My wife 10years together had an affair and walked out saying keep the kids. I dont want them, and your better with them. To be with the guy she had the affair with.
Anyway fast forward 2 months and we still talk everyday as she is my best friend but says she wants to move out with friends and not have the kids for a while as she can not deal with them at the moment. Post natal depression.
Anyway the guy she had the affair with has gone back to his wife. But i get the feeling that my wife still doesnt understand her depression and i dont want to see her struggle or get in any trouble.
This lady from the past few months is not the same one i have known for 10years.
And everything i do to try and help her just backfires in my face.
I am now struggling with depression and if not for the kids i would be a nutter.
I suppose my question is do i try and be a friend for her until she gets all the help she needs. Or do i try and get the marriage back now. Which at the moment she doesnt want.
It is killing me everyday to know that she is hurting inside.
19 Replies
You need to save yourself. Youre being far too understanding to someone who has abandoned her kids and left it all to you, youre on the doormat side of things at the moment, and its affecting your mental health, time for one of you to put yourself first for thr sake of the kids and move on from the mess and get on with life.
Its not a good idea to get back togehter right now and its not a good idea for you to talk every day and be best friends. I understand that you love her but it has got to be a healthy relationship and its so far from that right now. Look after yourself, look after your kids, hold her to a much higher standard than this, its not ok.
I'm going to say exactly what I'd say to a female friend if roles were reversed.
You need to get on with your life without your ex/wife. You need to stop checking on her. You need to stop being her best friend. You need to protect YOUR heart and your sanity.
You need to stop hoping for her to come back. You need to stop trying to work on your marraige.
You need to look after YOU and your kids. That means letting go of your wife.
If she has a diagnosis she has a health care team that is supporting her. If she is planning on moving in with friends, that means she is not alone.
She may well have depression, that also may also well be her excuse for changing her life. It happens. People do go, jeez this isn't what I thought I wanted and move on. Men do it and women do it everyday.
Holding on to someone that is pulling away never works out in the end, it just turns into a toxic hold/pull drama. The tighter you hold the tighter they pull.
I think you've written in a few times now hoping for to hold on to this relationship. I think it's time to look after you and that means not letting your ex/wife send you mixed messages and using you when she is telling you she doesn't want her marraige.
What you and your ex have is quite unhealthy...you need to set some boundaries. You don't need to be talking everyday and I think she is doing this to you because she knows she can get you to do whatever she asks. She knows she can take everything out on you and you'll just take it and that's really not fair on you.
Stop talking everyday and stop checking up on her. She doesn't want to make it work which is fine, she has every right not to want to continue the marriage no matter how much you may want to. You need to move on as well. You sound like a very caring guy, go take care of yourself and put yourself first.
Your wife sounds like she really needs some professional help. From reading this i can understand you really care for her wellbeing and if not still love her deeply. I dont think without her sorting her own head out that you will be able to sort your marriage out and what to do and where to go from here. My suggestion look after your kids they come first. Book your self in to see a dr and start to work on your self. Finally if you speak with your wife everyday encourage her to seek medical help as much as you can.
In the last 12mths my husband has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Yes he did somethings that hurt our relationship and potentially almost ended it but without first getting his head right we couldn't work on our marriage. All the best
Thankyou for your comments.
She has started with a psych and I really do hope it helps her out. And yes i have also started with a psych also.
And yes i do care for her deeply and love her still. I am amazed at how many people say leave.
So thankyou.
And i know that this person is not the same one i have been with for so long.
We didn't tell you to leave. She has already left.
You seem to be missing the understanding that she already broke up with you.
It's time to let her go! Holding on to someone who has told you it's over is bordering on controlling and creepy.
She has already left...you are no longer together. We aren't telling you to leave? We are telling you to put yourself first.
Its not always so cut and dry if they do this then you will leave as the other commenters said. And i myself always said if anything happened id leave but until your put in that possition you never know if you will or wont leave. Iam not saying my marriage is now perfect but i now know my husband is in the right sort of head space to be able to make informative deccisions together about our future. Where as before he just couldnt handle making those choices. And even at the end of the day if we decided to end our relationship i would still care about him still care for his wellbeing his the father of my children and been in my life for such along time. So i completly understand when you say you just cant get up and leave its not creepy its just you care for her wellbeing as the mother of your children because if something happened to her it would hurt your children so much and no one ever wants to see their children in pain.
"do i try and get the marriage back now. Which at the moment she doesnt want"
Which at the moment she DOESN'T want. Trying to force it will do no good. She clearly doesn't want to make it work right now. OP should focus on himself is all we're saying and I can't believe we even need to defend that?!
Yes i completely understand that you dont just leave when your partner cheats. Its emotional and hard and you want to make it work. Its harder when the asshole lies and pulls on that. But she is doing both. Shes left you. Shes moved on with him. Shes left her kids. Its beyond working through. She has kept contact with you and is halfassed stringig you along with bare words and contact - shes living with her new partner. But there is a chance she might say lets make it work somewhere in here because shes a mess too and she miht get bored or stuck enough. It would be HUGELY unhealthy in the middle of all of this. There is no way she can walk back into your house and lives anytime in the next few months in a way that would make a healthy happy relationship.
You need to get your head in the right frame of mind right now its very unhealthy for you and your children.
How do they feel that their mum abandoned them but youre still in daily contact and shes apparently your best friend still? Its time to stop waiting and to get MAD.
You need to ask your wife if she wants to make it work or not. The big once and for all choice, to be in it fully or to stop giving you hope that she is having a crisis and will come back.
And if she doesnt choose to work on it, then you need to move on, and you do that by cutting the contact and putting her behind you. Whether its her mental health or not, it doesnt matter, you cant keep a space for her while shes moving on in her life. You tried really hard, but there has to be a point where it ends. You have to choose a point where your life and heart and wellbeing and needs are important. Thats passed. Its time.
Our kids are 3 and 16months old. When mum is not here or the kids are away at nan and pops or at daycare. They never mention her unless she is here.
And when they do see her they have really bad dreams/frettful sleep that night. But then its over.
I have told her i will not see anyone for 6months to give her the time she needs to figure it all out.
Oh. And the guy she had the affair with has gone back to his ex wife. I struggle to see her like this. But as i said. She is my best friend still.
Is she asking you to give her time? To be faithful to a relationship that is over? Does she offload onto you and let you comfort her? Its so backwards. Shes heartbroken her boyfriend lef her. And shes telling you and your comforting her. But she doesnt want to come back.
Its messy, shes twisting you emotionally and psychologically but she doesnt want the relationship and youre holding on accepting whatever you can get from her, hoping.
Can you please google codependency and read about it. What are you getting out of this? Out of waiting and hurting and supporting an ex.
Because unfortunately my values/morals say stay until she is better mentally. I dont particularly care if she doesnt want the marriage to work at this point. Its that i geniunely care about her, and her wellbeing.
And what about yours? And your children? Wheres the point where the impact is too great and you have to put them and yourself first.
Something I learned - its always. Once your mental health is suffering because of your relationship, its time. Save yourself. You cant save her. You can only hope she will save herself and come back to you healthy. The aim has to be HEALTHY for both of you.
I'm going through something similar at the moment. People have very hard opinions on this subject. It's often confusing because it's going against what you truely want. Personally, I don't really want our marriage to be over, we have two young children and another on the way but I'm so hurt and don't feel like I can have the same relationship again. All the professionals have told me infidelity doesn't mean the end of a marriage. Everyone else tells me to walk. My hubby is also my bestie, so I kinda see where you are coming from. It's so much more than just a relationship it's family. Unconditional love. Just complicates it more. One day I'm sure of decision the next I want the opposite. It's good she's getting help. Just keep going on. Take it as it comes. Nothing feels right in this situation. The only right and wrong answer only effects you and your family. Everyone else's opinion is irrelevant. But I do agree with everyone else. Use this time to heal and find your happy place without her. Even if you do end up getting back with your wife. It's a good idea to go back when your in a good place and 100% sure it's what you want.
Thankyou for your honesty. And that it makes sense to someone else other than myself.
Are you sure it's not something other than depression. I had a friend do something very similar to her husband and kids.. it turned out she had started using Meth. It changed her personality completely, she stopped caring about anyone but herself and became very sexual. Mood swings and severe headaches are what I noticed first.
No you look after yourself and your kids welfare. Stop trying to fix someone, this is not your job it's hers. She is free and has no burden of kids to raise everyday. She is your best friend but she abandoned you and two children ? cheated on you? It's caused you depression? No excuses or butts!! Stop