I'm feeling a bit lost. this will be a long one. I'm married with a 3 year old and a new born due in December. my husband currently works out of town and has spent the last 12 months looking for a decent paying job at home. both my husband and my 3 year old are really struggling with the time apart and to be honest with a second child on the way and no family support, I would love my husband to be home every night.
now at the start of the year my father was diagnosed with brain cancer. he's undergone radiation and chemo and so far the cancer is sitting still. the doctors can't give us a time frame for how long he'll live. could be 12 months could be ten years. now he's not the sort of dad to really invest any time into my family and I've spent the last 8 months doing everything for him but I'm exhausted, I work full time and care for my 3 year old and have really struggled this pregnancy. I nearly lost my job taking so much time off to get him to his treatment. so I have set up services to help him. I love my dad but again, he's just not a family person and really doesn't have much to do with me and my child.
now here's the tricky part. my husband has found a few jobs that would allow him to be on great pay and be home every night. only catch is we would have to move 8 hours away. it would also put us within an hours drive of my husband's family who are very close and would help out if we needed them to. they love my son and he loves seeing all his cousins. I've spoken to dad to see if he'd be willing to come with us as he has no other family here and maybe 2 friends but he's adamant that he's staying here and that he doesn't need our help. (I got the whole I've never asked you for anything and you don't do much to help me I do it on my own speech) he has no licence, no one to help him if things get rough.
I don't know what to do. I either stay here and my husband and children suffer or I move and I leave my father to fend on his own. I feel like I'm being ripped in two. has anyone been in a situation similar to this that could offer some advice?
5 Replies
I can see why it isn't an easy decision. However I think you need to go live your life with your husband and child.
8 hours away, although not ideal is not that far to travel for visits etc. plus if your father is using supports and is how you say he is, there isn't much you can do anyway.
You need to prioritize your immediate family, and by that I mean your husband and kids. You have offered for your father to come with you, he declined. Do not feel guilty for living your life and do not make decisions about your life based on people outside your immediate family unit.
Move with your husband and kids. Your dad doesn't seem to be very thankful of your help anyway.
My Dad has Cancer, his is also stable at the moment but we have had some hiccups along the way, he was diagnosed 2 years this January and is inoperable but having immunotherapy.
I couldnt imagine leaving my Dad to fend for himself, ever since the start of this horrible journey i have been there every step of the way, sometimez probably too much, as i want to spend as much time as i can with him, i cant imagine how i will cope when the day comes and he wont be here...
I know your not close but family is family, how would u feel if your kids were adults and they moved and left u to deal with it on your own? He may be telling u to go, he will b ok, but he probably deep down wants u to be happy and not worry about him.
You only have one Dad and once he is gone, he is gone!
Im not close with my mum what so ever, can go months without seeing her but if she was in this position i would be there for her too
I couldn't and wouldn't consider moving away from a dying parent with no one to help, no matter what he said/did