I have two boys (10 & 8), both have ADHD and the eldest with high functioning Autism. I separated from their father when they were quite young due to family violence issues including suicide attempts if I ever threatened to leave him. After going through Family Court and him being ordered to complete the Men's Behaviour Change program, they ended up having unsupervised visitation with him @2 years later. At Christmas 2013, I collected my boys from a week with their dad only to discover when we got home that my youngest was covered in bruises. The police were involved and orders taken out against him (2nd time) whilst it was investigated criminally. His solicitor threatened to take me back to court if I refused to allow their dad visitation based on the Family Court orders as he stated the IVO didn't override them. I told him to let me know when the court date was and I would see him in court. I haven't heard from him or his solicitor since which is nearly 4 years ago now and my boys don't hear from him at all. Not even for their birthdays, Christmas or Easter....nothing!!! My boys have divulged a few further instances of abuse from their dad whilst they were in his care and I'm loathe to let them go back....ever!! My question is this - on Father's Day, whilst at church, my little one teared up and got quite emotional and when I asked him what was wrong, he stated "cos I can't remember what my dad looks like anymore." This broke my heart and made me question whether I'm doing the right thing. They have no male role models in their life at the moment as my father passed away nearly 2 years ago (they were extremely close), my brother doesn't live locally and I am unfortunately a single mum. They regularly comment that they'd love to spend time with a male, just to talk about "boy stuff". Would you contact their dad and ask him to step up, to let my boys know that he loves them or just let it go? What are your thoughts.
NB He has two daughters from his first marriage (nearly 20 and 16) who he hasn't acknowledged in years also, but my boys have a great relationship with them.
Would you contact the Dad?
Would you contact the Dad?
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt, Kids
17 Replies
No way in hell. Find a positive male role model for them. Find a grandad type person they could visit, ask if anyone knows anyone that could teach them something and spend time with them.
No. He is no dad, he is an abuser. Do NOT contact him!
I wouldn't contact the ex but... I'd contact my local police station, fire station, ambos to see if there is a program/initiative. Boys really need a male role model... There is also Big Brother/Big Sister program in AUS so may be have a look there?
I have tried this, but unfortunately where I live, there is more boys in need than "big brothers" available.
Hell NO!
Grieving for not having a dad doesn't equally get the shittiest, dangerous man back into there lives.
Grieving and sadness is normal and healthy. Don't try and fix it by inviting there abuser back into there lives. Help them grieve.
Comfort your children, teach them about healthy relationships and perhaps try and expand there access to healthy men (big brother program).
Thank you. I have been teaching them about healthy relationships as I really want the cycle to stop. Their dad's family are all the same in their thinking and it's not healthy at all. My boys have beautiful temperaments and don't even hit each other when angry. This is one of the main reasons why I've kept them away from him.
Their dad isn't a role model, he is their abuser. You are 100% doing the right thing by keeping him out of their lives.
Look else where to find good, male role models. As others have suggested, there's adopt a dad/big brother sort of programs you could look into.
Have you got a photo your son could have? It's OK for him to miss his dad and want to remember him but you need to help them understand why their dad's not in there life.
I have photos of him and did show them both after my youngest got upset, I thought there was no harm in that. But my boys both know why they don't see him and neither of them wants to as they are scared of him. I think they just like the idea of having a dad figure in their life and that's what they are missing. But as a parent, you do find yourself questioning your decisions sometimes.
Nope, 100% no. Let the boys do it in their own time when they are much older and can do so for themselves. However, I would still show them photos of him if you have some so that they can remember what he looks like.
There's definitely programs out there, I believe there is one called Big Brothers or something similar who have young adults who become a friend to your child and they can attend programs together. Definitely look into this :)
Not ever would I re-introduce them... get him involved in boys sports, scouts etc. big brother program as mentioned above sounds great. It is massively about helping them grieve though because it doesn't matter who the role model is - to some extent it is still not the other half that biologically created them. If he is struggling just offer your own support and if you feel it is warranted seek professional support for him. I feel so sad for him but definitely sounds like the father is best kept out of the picture.
Thank you. My boys play a lot of sport (they are very passionate about it) and the eldest has music lessons so they are always around males, but they are craving that one on one time. The big brother program doesn't have enough mentors and they have both had counselling earlier on. The counsellor doesn't believe that the are in need of further help and they no longer go. I try my best to be both mum and dad, but as they get older, that's getting harder to do. That's why I'm struggling with how to bring another male in to the mix. I just want them to have someone to talk to if they can't talk to me.
Sounds like you need to find a new therapist. I would've assumed because of their special needs, especially your eldest, that accessing a psychologist regularly would be reasonable and necessary, on top of processing their grief and trauma. They have experienced FV, it's not a quick fix, it requires constant support, guidance and understanding.
My son has ASD ADHD and other stuff, he sees a male psychologist weekly at the moment, when he feels ready we'll change it to fortnightly, monthly, or whatever he needs. He's also been spending time with a young guy as 'respite' funded through Comminwealth Respite Carelink Centre. I'm in the process of applying for NDIS. Depending where you're at with NDIS rollout, consider applying for a support worker who will do all the activities your sons require and of course, chatting as they go
Is there someone at church, an older trusted man, that you could ask if they could be involved a bit more in their lives? Perhaps something like helping to build stuff in their shed etc?
You protected your babies, you have done the right thing. When the boys are older and understand the situation they will be so happy you made hard decisions to keep them safe.
You protected your babies, you have done the right thing. When the boys are older and understand the situation they will be so happy you made hard decisions to keep them safe. So nope, don't even consider it.
F*** no! Do you have an uncle, cousin etc? Hell hold interviews for one if you have to! A neighbour! But no way in hell would my kids go back if your talking about serious abuse that happened.
Hell no! It is not safe and he is in no way a good role model!
Look at the good men in your local community, access them through programs like Big Brother/Uncle or as support workers/respite workers. Look into boys to men type camps. I recently saw Vets for Youth who run camps for boys and girls.
It's ok to feel sad on Father's Day. So you go to church? Any blokes there who you trust and can be a mentor? Do they run a youth group?