I'm needing some advice on approaching a real issue in my life right now, which is my identity. I'm 24, I had my first child very young (under 17 without being specific) without completing year 10. I have since married and had 3 more children, have never worked and am a stay at home Mum (which was my choice). I have always struggled to balance being a Mum and finding who I am, and find if I don't completely commit to being in Mum mode 24/7 I begin to feel resentment and sadness that I haven't and can't be more. I love my family, my children are everything to me (quite literally) and I give them my all but I fear I'll reach the end of my life having done nothing for myself. I know rationally this is all achievable and many many women have families and tick of their life list but I fear reaching out to it all. Has anyone faced this?
9 Replies
My dear IM - you're 24. You've done a LOT with your time already and you're still only the age that many are when they're just starting out in life! Depending on how old your kids are (assuming your first is at least 7) why not start thinking about what you want to do? There's time for study, jobs, careers, travel! In 10 more years (when you're 34) your first will be nearly an adult and you'll still be younger than me! Think of what you can achieve in that time. Start working out where your interests lie. There's plenty of time to do whatever your heart desires. Take the leap. You're an amazingly committed mum and you will continue to be, even if you add another facet to your life.
I think everyone feels like this! No matter what they've done, there are always regrets. You've done a lot more than a lot of 24 year olds! DOnt beat yourself up, think this is your mind telling you it's time to try something new! You would be surprised at how 1 very small change can completely get rid of these feelings currently. Try getting a very small side job like getting paid to iron people's clothes or try a small course online.
I am 24 but had my first at 21, and I even feel like this sometimes. I think it's just because we are younger mums, and it's got that element of "is this all my life is going to be?"
Especially because you and I are both similar in the way that we give our all to our kids and don't really give anything else the time of day.
I'd start by writing a list of things that YOU want for you. Even if it's to make a new mum-friend, or to get your nails done just to start. And as you go, start ticking off bigger things, such as signing up to a course or applying for a job you've always thought about. Small steps.
I get it!
I moved out of home at 16, was pregnant at 17, had 3 kids and all the adult responsibilities that go with it by 21.
My entire adult life I have been in mum mode, it's really hard to see beyond that when it's all you've ever known.
The good thing is, you're only 24.
You still have so much of your life to live and more than enough time to achieve your dreams.
Now is the time you need to think about what else you'd like to accomplish, what career choices you'd like to persue, maybe you want to travel. The possibilities are endless!
We get stuck sometimes, lose ourselves, put it all into the kids, then just like you we want a balance and miss our own identity but feel so out of touch and cant even see a way to find it.
Start by listing what you like, if you dont know think what you used to enjoy or liked as a kid, think of the picture you had for yourself as a grownup, what did it look like?
look around for classes ans groups and see what takes your interest.
It doesnt have to be a lifelong decision just start doing what you enjoy and youll get yourself back, baby steps.
As well as what you used to like, notice what brings you energy (sometimes we lose an idea of what makes us happy but you often know it's good for you if it feels like you are attracted and energised by something). Go for it darls! Don't worry, you will find your self back if you are interested.
I totally get this. I was pregnant at 17 with my first. Have had more since...I've had jobs but they have been pretty low end jobs, not careers. However this year I started studying and I do feel better since doing so. Yeah it's hard with kids but getting those passes on my assessments makes it all worth it and I'm closer and closer to my dream job and feeling like I'm doing something in life apart from being a mum (which is amazing but it's not all us women are, we do have our own identities and lives too)
Hi! So you're still very young, don't stress. I never finished yr 10, had worked and studied though. I had my youngest at 17, moved interstate with their dad (still together), had my second child by 20. That was 10 years ago. It took a long time before I met friends who I surrounded myself with. Probably around 2 years before my daughter started school we regularly went to playgroup and I found myself involved in that. I did courses in education fields and continue to do so, I have also done lots of volunteer work at school which lead to work. Look at your interests, what you're passionate about and go with the flow. We find a way to manage family life and something for us. I tell myself that we are more than just mums, partners, friends, workers. Everything falls into place.
You can do anything you put your mind to. I was so slack with university studies as a teenager, early 20s. Had my son at 24 and zipped through my studies because HE was my motivation. I wanted to be more than just mum. I wanted to show him I made something of myself and worked darn hard for it. If you want to do something, figure out what your calling is and study online. Kids can go in family day care for a day or two so you can study, and before you know it, with the right commitment, you will be more than just mum!