We are at our wits end atm with our 13yo son. I'm trying to reconcile how a child who was in primary school last year turned into this lying, deceitful person. We have spoken to him many, many times. Have followed thru on punishments needed to be, have spent one on one time with him, have gone on drives to let him talk etc. He is our 3rd one so we are well versed in teenage silliness... his lying and betraying of our trust is actually having an impact in our family. The things he is doing are leading him completely off on the wrong path in life. He is following a few boys at school and is now getting out of hand. We love him so much but he has completely broken our trust and trust of his older siblings. We are devastated. We have taken him to psychologist for counselling, we have spoken with the school etc. He is not being bullied etc.
His dad and I are active, involved parents. We have always tried to do our best, to instill good values in the boys. Where did we go wrong and how do we help our son back on the right path....
4 Replies
I don't mean to alarm you when I ask this and it may seem ludicrous but is there a possibility that he could be using drugs/drinking? I know 13 seems young to be doing these sorts of things but you wouldn't believe how many are at this age (and even younger) doing these tbi gs can have a huge impact on their behavior and general attitude.
Also, he seems very heavily influenced by these boys he's 'following' as you say, and just because teachers and your son say there's not a bullying issue, I wouldn't rule it out. Teenagers can be very secretive about this and it may not be bullying per say it is probably a distinct possibility of peer pressure/being encouraged to engage in such behaviours.
I would almost guarantee there's something 'going on', getting to the bottom of it will help.
I also think you need some professional help from some specific youth programs, your school social worker should be able to put you into contact with some in your area.
It doesn't matter how well you raised them, or what kind of parents you are, if they get in a bad crowd, they will join them. Their friends are everything at that age, you need to somehow get him out of that group and with some better friends, not sure how, maybe extra curricula activities? Change schools? I hope someone can give you some good advice.
The same parenting style doesnt work the same on all personalities. Its not you.
he could have low self esteem or depression without a reason such as being bullied.
He could have trouble with making friends, or confidence or maturity, interpersonal relationships or executive functioning hence the lying/avoidance.
Also, its hard when parents want a solid serious reason ie) drink/drugs/bullying and they just havent got one, but if hes struggling the same the reason doesnt really matter.
I would keep up the psych and maybe work on personal development and give him an outlet/ sounding board.
You just have to keep on trying. You may need to adjust your parenting style for this one. I have 3 and all so different. I HAD to change as a parent, as a person. Hell, I even changed my lifestyle. Are you prepared to do that?
Blaming it on "getting into the wrong crowd" is a cop out. There's a reason why a person is drawn to certain people.
Continue with regular psychology for him and the rest of you need some therapy as well. It could be bullying, drugs, abuse, mental illness, it's not nothing. Something has caused these changes, and yes puberty can be rougher for some but it's not the only reason.
Look at your family dynamics, the language you use to communicate, do you have high expectations, do you look down on mental illness, are you tolerant and accepting, do you allow your children choice and control?