Hey everyone sorry if I ramble a bit
I
recently came across an article about the dangers of yelling at your kids! It genially made me feel crap and made me second guess myself as a mother my kids at 2 and 3 and they are amazing kids! but like any other child they can play up and be naughty my daughter is a free spirit and extreamly stubborn it is really difficult to get through to her and make her say sorry when she has done something wrong she is almost 3 so I understand she is still young but she is also old enough to understand when she has done something wrong! My son is a whinger and doesn't like to share so put the two together and it can be caos at times! They are very close in age and it feels like double trouble and times! Some days I feel really defeated and I yell and scream at them! I know I'm a good person and a great mother but sometimes they just frustrate me and I end up yelling at them! I wasn't concerned about it although it's something I would rather not do! The artical stated that yelling at your kids makes them anxious and will effect there sleep at night! It can also make them grow up to be nervous anxious adults that make them second guess themselves and not have confidence! I know this may seem silly to some of you but as I was reading it I was really questioning myself as a mother all I want for my kids is for them to grow up and feel confident to do what ever they set there mind to and have respect and be respectful to other people! And this artical was basically saying that Yelling at your kids will make them to grow and be the opposite!! Sorry if I've gone on a bit but I would love to here from other mums with young and older children and get there honest opinions about yelling at there kids or if you don't what do you do when you are at breaking point!!
Yelling at kids
Yelling at kids
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour
18 Replies
Any parents who reckon they have never yelled at their kids are either Mother Theresa or they are full of shit!
I mean, if you're constantly screaming at your kids all day every day, that's probably when it'll start to cause problems but the occasional yell/raised voice is not going to cause them any phsycological damage.
I generally really hate these types of parenting articles, all they do is instill doubt in our minds and tell us what we're doing is wrong without offering any helpful alternatives.
If you feel like you're yelling too much or you'd like to look into some new techniques to adjust your kids behavior, there are plenty of parenting programs that you could try.
Raising your voice to be firm is a lot different to yelling and screaming which kind of indicates you've lost your shit
Yes that's pretty much what I meant, but even still losing one's shit occasionally doesn't mean they're terrible parents and I think that most of us probably have lost our patience with our kids at some point.
I have been there also!! Found myself yelling a lot until I realised in the moment my child was scared and it scared me I pulled myself back and felt horrible and questioned myself like you . I stopped beating myself up as like you I know I do the best I can most of the time but as mothers we are only human now I take five if I remember and we talk about it the situation and why mummy gets cross etc and now the kids tell .. mum your getting cross which is occasionally do not be too hard on yourself all you can do is try and keep trying I always try remember we are the parents and it's up to us to model how to react they will be fine so do not worry .. worst case leave in the moment and scream in to your pillow until you have calmed . Your doing a great job
I personally think two things happen when you yell. 1. Initially the kids get a shock and yes it scares them. 2. If you yell all the time the kids actually learn to drown it out.
I use this approach. 1. Use child's name, then Ask/tell child to do something. 2. give them 3 seconds to respond/comply, 3. If they comply absolutely praise the shit out of them, if they don't I walk over to them and get down to eye level, say 'I told you to x,y,z' and then prompt them to do it, by taking them by the hand if necessary.
Using this approach I realised that things didn't get to the yelling phase. My kid took me more seriously on the first request. Overvtime having to repeat and take them by the hand became less and less common. Also kids love positive attention so when I praised them they learnt that doing something on the first go got them feel good feelings!
But I am not perfect and before learning that technique I'd definitely lost it! I've also yelled since but definitely a lot less.
3 seconds isn't long at all. Some kids processing of information can take up to 30 seconds.
For a nuerotypical child I'd suggest a silent count of ten before repeating, and always down at eye level
Don't read those articles, they made you feel bad about yourself!! Secondly, kids who are yelled at a lot in my experience, stop caring and it starts to mean nothing. I wasn't a yeller (not often anyway lol), but someone close to me was amd when my child and their child did something wrong once, he screamed at them, his kid didn't bat an eyelid (certainly no anxietyđ) and mine was beside himself lol The only problem with yelling I honestly think is it stops being effective, if you only do it once in a while, it's a good weapon. Also yelling hurts you more than the kids, you're the one who is upset and screaming and getting to that horrible place. You haven't damaged your kids in anyway, trust me, but if you don't want to be a yeller, you can change it. I will add that you are at the toughest part of parenting, a two and three year old, things get soooooo much better, I promise.
I was yelled alot as a kid. I suffered terribly, from nightmares to panic attacks. I still do as an adult, although over the years ive gotten less severe. The occasional yell/raised voice wont hurt, but the treatment i got was constant, multiple times a day. However my siblings grew resilience towards yelling where as i was the opposite.
I dont read articles a lot for this reason.
I donât yell at my kids ALL the time but I am known to yell if I am getting angry because they arenât listening.
A lot of the time, if Iâve become really angry and I have yelled, Iâll apologise later. I think we are brain washed that we canât make mistakes as parents, and if we are always the perfect type of person, we arenât showing our children that itâs okay to make mistakes but apologing and feeling regretful IS OKAY.
I think itâs actually important to show our children all of these things, even us yelling and getting angry. So that they can see how we release our anger.
Iâve also been known for yelling at them, and then I say âlook, I am getting really angry that no one is listening. I am just going to go have a break for a secondâ and Iâll walk out.
Then apologise for yelling when I come back and say that I was getting really angry so I started yelling but decided I needed a little break.
Youâre showing them that anger is a perfectly normal expression. And you show them that, yes, sometimes we deal with it the wrong way (yelling) but that we can come back from that and correct our wrongs.
I think the article is correct, but as with anything to do with parenting it could induce a lot of guilt or shame where thats not the intent.
The good news is, youve read it, now you know the theory, you know what you want for your kids, so you know whata best and whats the goal. Youre also human with two little people so you know your reality, as long aa youre doing your best.
for the record I dont shout. I am naturally very gentle I talk I dont make a 2 year old say sorry thats just asking for a standoff and I dont think shouting is productive at all. I still get stressed and tired and shout a sentence or two.
When i think of 'shouting at kids' I think of what my mother used to do, which is shouting awful things in a long tirade while she lost her shit, she would go on and on, bringing up alsorts of issues and problems we had in her eyes, until she would leave and then maybe come back in for more. When she went off it was shit for everyone, it definitely affected our esteem and confidence and anxiety levels etc etc and no kid deserves that.
I think there's a difference between 'yelling' and 'shouting abuse' too. If you can differentiate that, you're probably OK.
For example "OMG! WILL YOU PUT YOUR DAMN SHOES ON" I wouldn't say that would leave any lasting trauma (at least I hope not, it's a good day if I'm not ranting and raving about shoes lol)
But, yelling something like "YOU'RE SO USELESS, CAN'T EVEN GET YOUR SHOES ON YOU IDIOT". That's damaging.
None of us are perfect, as long as you're trying your best!
This is perfect
Would you like someone yelling at you?
Yelling is yelling regardless of how you spin it
No, who does like being yelled at? That's kind of the purpose.
I remember being yelled at by a teacher, whom I very much respected when I was in high school, I was being a shit and he'd calmy given me a few warnings already, before I new it he'd had enough and yelled at me in font of the class. I was humiliated and shocked but it made me realize that he wasn't going to tolerate it any longer and that I'd crossed a line. And I can tell you what, I never acted up in his class again.
So my point is, yelling is obviously not ideal, nor is it the first disciplinary action you would use but sometimes when you have exhausted all other options, it can be useful.
And like I said, there's a difference between yelling to get your point across and yelling at someone with the intention of hurting them.
Hubby was yelled at as a child...he hates yelling...I used to the minute his car drove off for work..
But...our neighbour (male) is a yeller.. OMG some days I want to go over and tell him to be quiet.
His kids are now just yelling back at him.
A few years ago I observed the behaviour in his kids and mine..I realised the yelling wasn't working.
Years on he is still yelling, but...I do use it was a threat to my kids if they play up they can go live over there.
I have 3 kids (now teens) with special needs. I have grown as a person, changed how I parent. I've done a lot of work to heal my own childhood wounds and to be better than my mother. I don't yell anymore, so it is possible to change if you want to.
My main philosophy is around respect and speaking to children like you would do any adult. Don't treat them less than, or talk down to them just cos they're smaller/younger than us.
And do you know why I changed? Because shit happened and I felt inadequate at times, so I learnt a new way. Don't feel guilty, this feeling is an internal voice telling you to add to your parenting tool kit. Awareness is always the first step.
When we know better, we do better
I try my best to be calm and use my inside voice as a parent, but sometimes my kids are little sh!ts and they push me over the edge. I used to feel really guilty about it too until my husband pointed out that kids need to learn that everyone has a breaking point, at least I was only yelling at them to show them I had broken, not beating them to a pulp. There is enough to feel guilty about as a parent, don't let loosing it occasionally be one of those things.
If you feel is more of a problem than an occasional spat, look into doing a PPP course, or see your GP about your emotions.
Love n hugs mumma bear!
Get used to it - it doesn't matter what you do, there's an article out there that tell that it's the wrong thing to do. Welcome to parenting lol. Trust me, there'll be another equally convincing article out there that tells you we're too soft on our kids and they need to learn people's limits and boundaries by being yelled at (I'm joking... but only just). Don't get sucked in by it all. Do what works for you and your family. It'll be different to what works for other families. In my own parenting journey, I've found that yelling is necessary sometimes. It comes and goes. Sometimes it seems like months and months since I needed to raise my voice, then we'll go through a different phase where the only way to get through to them is to yell. There is no single parenting style/approach/belief that will work for everybody - so articles like this, telling you that their own way of thinking is the best/only/superior way to parent your children, are to be read with caution. All the best xo