Hey I need some help and/or advice regarding my neighbours and my 7 year old ADHD, ODD with ASD traits (not yet diagnosed fully) son. Could get long so, sorry in advance....
We've lived in our current rental for almost a year now and my 3 children have become friends with a few of our neighbours kids. There's two boys around the same age as my eldest son (mr. 7) and when there's just two of them playing they're great, but when all three are together there's always trouble.
The other two boys sometimes gang up on my son and tell him he's not their friend and won't let him play, which sends my son wild. They also make him be 'it' for tag etc and often don't take turns. My son can say some really nasty things when he's in one of those moods and I don't know how to get him to stop. I can be out there and trying to calm him down and asking him to stop but he just keeps going. So obviously I take him inside.
But he can't seem to let it go. When we're inside he will continue to say terrible things (ie. that he wants them to hang by their necks or that he wants to cut them with a knife). It's so horrible and I'm at a loss.
The other day one of the boys came from behind one of the cars at my place with a stick holding it up as if he was going to hit my son with it. He then went back around and came back with rocks and proceeded to throw them towards my son, hitting my car. Then ran home. I was watching out the front window the whole time (as I do quite often). Then the other boy kept defending him saying it was an accident!
Tonight I was speaking to one of the boys mum's who was really nice and understanding and was able to chat about what we should do etc. She said when my son is at her place the kids play really well and he's great! If she's out watching them and sees anything happen she takes the time to talk with my son and find out what's bothering him.
We were all out the front of her place chatting and the other neighbour came outside and was calling my son names and calling him pathetic. Then said to me "do you want to talk to me" (rudely too). Then went on and on about how she doesn't like my son at her place because she's scared he will hurt her kids (13 & 9). She goes off at him for saying the same things she said to my son today! The other lady (the nice one) said she heard her swearing at my son earlier today and calling him names again. Which I missed as I was out getting groceries for dinner (hubby was home).
When I was talking to the mean lady I couldn't even tell her about my son and his special needs because I didn't want her to think I was making excuses. I'm not! I try to work with him all the time on this but if she's out there saying things to him like that then it makes my job a lot harder.
I know my son can be naughty and his ADHD etc is definitely no excuse for poor behaviour but I just don't know what to do anymore.
We plan to move once our lease is up but that's a few months away. Can anyone suggest some things to do to try and resolve this issue? I love where we are but this is getting too hard.
If you made it to the end thank you for reading and I'm open to any responses good or bad.
13 Replies
Firstly I'd stop letting your 7 year old go to neighbors houses unsupervised. I have a 9 year old and 7 year old, and we are super friendly with our neighbors, but no way in hell would i leave my children unsupervised. If you child has social issue's (which you have insinuated) then he should never be left unsupervised until he is equipped with the tools of managing his emotions. I'm not sure if you are already, but an OT could really help with strategies on managing social situations in an appropriate manor.
Thank you for your reply. Yes, I understand that. And I will no longer be allowing him to go unless it's pre arranged with parents. We haven't yet tried an OT so I will definitely be looking into that asap! Thanks again.
You can get a care plan through your gp to cut the cost of ot visits. Once you get an Autism dignosis (if you haven't already), ot therapy should come out of government funding. It is truly amazing what they can do. Good luck.
Thanks again for your advice. I really appreciate it x
No more unsupervised play dates seems like the best option here and definitely no more at mean lady's house (supervised or not).
It sounds horrible but this is why I don't get too involved with my neighbours. When shit goes sour and you've still gotta live near them, it gets awkward real quick (often worse than awkward - I've seen neighbours involved in bitter and sometimes violent disputes for less than this). Something to consider when you move.
This is the first time we've had anything to do with our neighbours and I don't plan on doing it again. I don't think it sounds horrible I think it's a fair call! Especially now after my experience I totally get what you're saying. Definitely no more play dates!
Just make a rule no going to her house and try to move itto the backyard so you can keep it just the two nice ones and they can play altogether at nice ladies house sometimes. Usually it goes in cycles like this and a bit of a break resets things for a while.
Unfortunately we don't have much of a back yard. I am thinking about putting up a temporary fence in my front yard (if approved by landlord) just so they have somewhere to play outside. It's the only other thing I can think to do! I might go chat to the nice lady today and sort out some kind of plan so our kids can still play. Maybe even a park play date or skatepark etc on the weekends.
Yep or just be present and send the other kid away quick smart when things go sour. Stay right on top of it.
I will be doing that for sure! Thanks x
No more visits to any neighbours houses, if they want to play then come over to yours in the backyard.
Whilst this lady should never be doing such a thing, she may feel she is protecting her child or her child is retaliating to a threat your kid made. If my child was threatened in a manner of what you have said (cutting them with knives and hanging them by necks), something I would NOT want my 7 year old hearing, I would certainly retaliate and take action. I would probably be hostile and unwelcoming to you and your child for the sake of my kid. I'm sorry it's nasty, but anything for my kid. That's a threat on their lives and whilst he may not follow through how is she to know? ADHD/neurological problems or not I could not let go of those threats. But there are correct ways to go about it and if she had a problem should go to you and discuss although I don't think there'd be a solution.
I totally understand her wanting to protect her kids as a mother it's just a natural thing. I just don't appreciate her speaking to my son the way she goes off at him for doing (if that makes sense?) I don't believe there is a real solution here as I've had time to process everything I think the best thing is to keep them away from each other. I will talk to my son this afternoon and explain it to him. The only thing I can think to do is keep our distance until we move. Thank you for your reply x
You need to supervise your son. My kids have special needs and I had to always be close by when interacting with other kids. It just goes with the territory, that’s why we’re so frikkin exhausted all the time 😂