I’m losing my mind. I just can’t even handle the smallest things. I feel like it’ll just take one more thing to push me over the edge. I’m just get so frustrated that I get explosively angry, I want to scream and punch walls or rip my hair out, literally. It’s this heavy horrible pressure in my chest and I scream into a pillow or punch a wall or hit myself and just break down. I can’t relax. My head is killing me. I’ve been crying way too much lately. I’m so lonely, trapped in my own thoughts and I can’t break free. I hate feeling like this and I just need it to stop.
My son deserves more than me. He is the most precious and perfect little being ever made and I am failing him. I am failing him and I am failing at being a mother. I would never hurt him physically but I’m scared I’ll hurt him emotionally and mentally by being this way. I can’t sleep. He won’t sleep. He cries and I cry. I can’t get anything done around the house. My partner says to leave the housework, but if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done! I’ll end up with no clean clothes for any of us, dishes piled up, no dinner made, dirty dog hair floors, dust everywhere, the toilets and bathrooms disgusting. He won’t do it. His idea of doing the dishes is packing what goes in the dishwasher and leaving the rest. I’ve just washed a salad bowl that’s been on the sink for days now, how can I leave things to him if he just won’t do them? I’ve told my partner how I’m feeling and when I’m crying he’ll comfort me, but other than that he does nothing. Our relationship is suffering. I resent him for not stepping up for me and our baby. I resent him for getting sleep when I so desperately need some. I resent him for hounding me for sex every day. He thinks we will be better if we have sex. I’ve tried but it still hurts from having my son. The more he complains he’s not getting it the more I resent him for acting like it’s the most important thing to him and nothing else is important. Like how I’m not coping, or our son.
I’m breastfeeding so I’m up multiple times a night. So my partner can’t help with that even if he wanted to. And when I ask him to do something when he gets home from work he sighs and does it begrudgingly, or needs to go to the toilet and is in there for an hour so I have to do it myself. The baby cries and he ignores it. Even if he’s right there. He complains that he’s tired but he gets a full nights sleep every night. He doesn’t wake up when I feed the baby, and on the weekend if I ask him to get up to change our sons nappy before I feed him, so I don’t have to get up for just one night, he’s grumpy all the next day so I don’t even bother asking any more. It’s easier to just do everything myself.
I’m seeing a psychologist for the post natal depression, but it’s not enough and I can’t afford anymore than I’m paying now. I don’t want to take any medication because I am breastfeeding, and although they say some are safe, I don’t feel comfortable with that. Plus I’ve had a bad experience coming off anti-depressants in the past so I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want to leave my son but I just can’t do this anymore. I’m trying so hard not to give up because I don’t want my son to grow up without his mother, or blame himself because his birth was what pushed me over the edge.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so scared that if I tell someone how I’m feeling they’ll take away my son. Or if my partner and I separate he’ll use this against me to keep my baby away from me. Or that if I don’t tell anyone just how much I’m not coping I’ll get worse and my son will suffer. He’s everything to me and he deserves better.
I don’t even know what I’m asking. I guess I just need to know what to do from here..
10 Replies
You haven’t mentioned how old your bubba is but I feel for you so much. It’s so hard, but also, it does get better. I can 100% tell you, it gets better. Promise!!! Hang in there mama! I believe in you.
You haven’t mentioned how old your bubba is but I feel for you so much. It’s so hard, but also, it does get better. I can 100% tell you, it gets better. Promise!!! Hang in there mama! I believe in you.
That sounds tough and it also sounds so much like me when I had the first child. I know you don't want to take antidepressants but I think you might need them. I was completely the same in that I didn't want to take them but then when I was feeling suicidal and couldn't cope I knew I had no other option. Please at least consider them.
Secondly do you have parents who can help out? If so ask them for help. Do not feel like a burden, they will actually feel flattered that you trust them enough to ask for help.
Third point you mentioned is that your son doesn't sleep. I would (and have) book myself into Tresillian or Ngala - one of the government run parenting assistant programs. It will depend on the state but you can book in and they can help you with the sleep side of thing.
Mostly please take care of yourself. You may feel like a failure but you absolutely are not. So many of us feel exactly the way you do and it does eventually get better but that offers no comfort when you are deep in the throes of it. Your husband (like most men) is doing the best he can but most men (including my husband) are pretty useless. Generally the women are more proactive and cope better with less sleep so if you have your mum or mil around definitely ask for help.
Best of luck mumma. You are the most important person for your baby so you need to take care of yourself as a priority! Xx
OP here. Thank you for your kind words. My son is 14 weeks old and I think he’s starting the 4 month sleep regression early because his sleep is suddenly terrible again! We did get a few weeks of better sleep (waking once or twice only) and then it has gone downhill again. Waking multiple times, hard to get to sleep, won’t nap during the day for more than 20 mins ON me. And he’s in leap 4. I just can’t catch a break..
I dont have anyone to ask for help, my sister was helping at the start which was amazing, but she’s working now so can’t anymore.
It does sound like you’re having a tough time. Sleep is a huge factor. Be gentle on yourself. ❤️
This post has been on my mind ever since I read it. You poor thing! You're copping it from all angles but you're doing an amazing job. You really are. The first few months are so tough.
I wonder if your partner is hesitant to help with baby because he doesn't know what to do. My husband was like this with #1. The best thing I started doing was going for a walk every night. We had tea, id give bub a feed and then the two of them were left to it for an hour. It gave me a much needed break and forced him to step up and he learnt that he actually was capable of calming her and looking after her.
Another thing that has worked for us is in the mornings my hubby gets up at 6 and leaves for work at 7:30. Between those times the kids are my husbands problem (unless a feed is required). The tradeoff is I get up early on the weekend with the kids and let him sleep until 8.
During the week I also express milk off and on Friday and Saturday nights he stays up late so I'll do a 7ish feed and go to bed and then he gives bub a bottle at midnight and I'll do the early am.
They're just some things that have helped me. I would seriously reconsider the anti depressants also - sometimes we just need that little bit of help and that's ok too
I felt exactly the same after my first baby. I thought PND was about not bonding with the baby, but I was sooo in love with my little one, but I hated myself because I thought I wasn't good enough for her. I hated myself because I felt like I was going to ruin her (like my emotionally abusive mother had ruined me) and then I'd be so hard on myself for not being able to clean the house etc. I was in a constant fog and thought everyone would be better off without me.
I didn't want to go on any medication but I was so desperate to feel better and my GP who I really trust helped me with them and i honestly felt so much better. I'd had some awful experiences with anti depressants before but the dosage of Zoloft i was given cleared my head in a way that let me propperly emotionally deal with everything.
The resentment with your partner is hard. I know with mine, i try and talk to him if i feel he isnt pulling his weight but it just makes him defensive and makes the tension between us worse. He might be struggling with everything too, but that's no excuse to not even do the dishes? I found my partner understood a lot more after he came to the dr with me and she suggested ways he could help.
Everyone says "dont worry about the house" etc but I know it can be so hard to be positive when you look around and just feel like you're suffocating in all the jobs you have to do but can't get to. Do you have any friends or family that could come over and help? I hate people cleaning for me but I'd invite people over to hold the baby so i could do the dishes or the washing. Or if you have someone you feel comfortable doing those jobs for you, even better!
Does your therapist know the extent of your feelings? I found I tried to minimise how awful i was feeling to my psychologist because i was so scared they'd take my baby off me. But i could openly speak to my GP and got the help that worked for us. There are other options like hospitalisation and some let you take bub with you and work on building your confidence.
I just also want to add that if you get the right help for you, it can get better. I went from wanting to end everything because my daughter would be better off, to thinking that I'm the best person for her. As we grew and bonded, i realised no one knew her like I did, and realised how much she needed me. I've just had my 2nd baby and didn't have to go on any medication this time, because I feel confident in myself.
It does get better. Newborn days are ruthless, the no sleep combined with trying to learn how to look after a tiny human and trying to figure out how to still be your own person... it's hard.
I hope you and your partner can get on the same page and he can step up, or you have other support networks. It's a lot easier when you have someone else on your side. Even a mother's group or try meeting people at local kids acrivites like baby story times at a library.
You are strong. You aren't alone. You can get through this. You will get through this.
Please, you have to do something. Try the medication, seek out support groups. This was me. I didn't tell anyone what I was going through at the time, I tried to explain it to my husband but he just couldn't understand. I suffered and I took it out on my son and as a result 6 years later I'm only just forming a relationship with him. I feel like a piece of shit for what I put him through as a small child and I have forgotten everything about him being little. There are literally no lovely memories I can recall. It did get better for me, but it took years and a long period of discovering my sense of self awareness. My only advice is to take it easy on yourself, just do what it takes to get by. Don't worry about doing anything by the book. Co sleep if it's easier, nap when he's tired not according to any schedule. Just make life easier in any way possible. And seek that help xxx. You've got this mama xx
Hi, I know having PND is horrendous. I've had it twice, and have considered driving my car into a wall just to get away from feeling so overwhelmed all the time.
Regarding the meds, you have a choice here. Take meds that are safe with bf. If you're not comfortable with that, that's your right, but be very clear here - is that part of your pnd or something you would normally feel? If it's a definite no, your choice here from what you say is get bubs on formula so you can take meds that won't transfer. Or he loses breastfeeding anyway because his mum has had enough. I can tell you as the mother who wanted to run away every day, multiple times a day, it is better for him that you take the meds, and are there for him. My kids were all formula babies and, you know, it made no difference whatsoever. They are healthy, happy and stick to me like limpets when they want a cuddle.
Now. To hubby. You need to have a clear chat here. You are not well. It will take time to get better. It helped my husband to support me when I wrote up a routine I wanted him to follow and chores he could do to help before he sat down. It is a lesser dimension of hell when it's been a long old night but there's not an avalanche of dishes and laundry.
You can do this. You will get through this. I understand and have felt every single thing you said in your post. You are not alone. You will get well again and feel like a normal person again. Please don't box yourself in with the breastfeeding vs medication issue to the point you leave. Formula is not poison. Fed and a mum on the mend is a million times better than the alternative of you falling over the edge and leaving your baby. You don't need to leave, but you do need a bit of help. And that's ok. Xx
Hello dear mum. I've been thinking of you for days, sending good wishes. What you have described sounds awful. I really feel for you. Please get urgent help. I am a social worker and what you have described shows you are at risk. You really need extra support in place for you and your family to keep you safe and get you the care you deserve. The baby's sleeping sounds so so hard right now. Sleep deprivation is a kind of torture. You need more sleep and someone to help figure out how you can get some. You're husband needs to step up. Please contact an after hours post natal depression or women's support service in your state any time you need to just to talk and also make an urgent appointment with your GP or maternal child health nurse to get a plan in place. Try to be open to any option that will help including medication. If it was a heart condition and you might have a heart attack would you refuse that option? There are very strong physical changes affecting you that place you and your baby at risk without help. Please explain what is happening with your husband not supporting you and hassling you for sex. Someone needs to speak to him separately as it sounds like he's not listening and you're at your wit's end. Ask for help from anyone you can. It's essential to reach out.Have you talked to your sister about what's happening? Even though she's working maybe she can help ask some others in your community? Please take care of yourself. This is such a tough time but you sound amazing. Bloody hell life can be hard but please hang in there till you have the support in place. Xx