Ok so back when my partner was 17 he fucked up, he was in a bad place and committed a crime that lead him to be put on the child sex offenders list, (I'm told the victim was only 1 year younger then he was) i dont have a lot of details, nor do i really care. This happened 6 years before i met him, and i have now known him 10 years. In that time the only crime he has committed was to forget to update an email address when reporting his details to the cops. He is a wonderful person, his only fault is avoidance of anything to do with his past, he deals or ignores it as best he can. And is only on the list for another 2 years, or so I'm told.
Ok so you now know what i know about that.
Now here's where i need help, what does he need to do before baby is born? He's avoiding it like the plage. He seems to think it will ruin our life, that they stop him from living with us, that they will question everything to do with our parenting. He also believes that he can't report it until baby is born, i dont want the cops showing up the day we bring baby home, or worse at the hospital.
Has anyone been in this situation, or been there for someone who has and what did you need to do, before baby was born and after. I try getting him to deal with it but it scares him so bad he is unable to act on it and gets angry, like cornering a scared dog.
I'm just really worried that my little family to be, is going to be a broken home because he won't be allowed to stay with us.
28 Replies
I know you say you don't care about the details but I actually think you should care a little more. You don't know the full story, you know his side of it. I think you have a responsibility to this unborn child to be privy to ALL the facts, being on the sex offender register is very serious. I don't mean that in a judgmental way either.
As for the legal aspects of your question, you really need to seek legal advice and go from there. I expect the protocols in these situations would be a case by case thing but I expect involvement from police and child protection services will be a given, merely as a precaution (after and during the pregnancy).
I totally agree! My husband got himself in to some trouble when he was younger so I 100% understand the whole young and dumb thing. But this is serious and someone doesn’t get put on the sex offender register for no reason. There must have been substantial evidence of a serious sexual crime for him to have been listed. I’d want proof of all the details before you begin brushing it off as a young and dumb mistake. Especially since there’s now a child to think about.
In terms of what will happen, if he won’t find out, find out yourself. You have every right to enquire given that you’re the mother of this child. Do your own inquiries to find out what needs to happen, when and by whom. Best to do it now rather than have one extra stress and worry when you are hormonal and have a newborn to care for.
Yep. When you bring a child into this sort of situation, you need to have full disclosure. That's not to say the partner is a terrible person or anything, he's made a mistake - he's dealing with the consequences of that but for the child's sake you do need to know.
I find his evasiveness of the topic and disinterest in finding out is legal requirements a bit concerning too, it may be shame, it may be a deep desire to keep this skeleton in the closet.
Please don't go into this with blind faith.
This guy committed a crime, a sex crime, it wasn’t just a case of 17 yo guy with a 15 yo girlfriend
You need to know the details. At least one of you has to step up and understand the facts and face them head on. Your number one concern should be your unborn child.
Yes what he did might be fairly innocent but not likely, it’s actually pretty difficult to end up on the registry.
So you need to research, research, research. It’s very probable he won’t be allowed contact with the baby. If you won’t enforce that you could have the baby taken away from you by child protection. Just because he hasnt reoffended doesn’t mean he won’t. You need to open your eyes. Your baby needs it’s mother so you need to make sure you do everything right to make sure that happens. Get legal advice and research your partners case and what the registry expects him to do in order to comply.
Ok I can understand young and dumb at 17 he did something stupid and obviously hurt this girl but it sounds like he’s turned his life around given how long you’ve known him and if he’s a great guy now
But it must have been extreme to have been placed on the sex offenders register for 18 years.
I’m going by you saying it happened 6yrs before you met and known him 10 yrs and still 2 to go.
No judge would put a juvenile on the sex offenders registry for 18 yrs without a massive reason.normally a juvenile is given leniancy.
You need to find out the details. It my well be that he has changed and is a completely different person now which happens as we grow up but he still needs to admit and own what happened and he completely honest before you can have him around your child
Ok I can understand young and dumb at 17 he did something stupid and obviously hurt this girl but it sounds like he’s turned his life around given how long you’ve known him and if he’s a great guy now
But it must have been extreme to have been placed on the sex offenders register for 18 years.
I’m going by you saying it happened 6yrs before you met and known him 10 yrs and still 2 to go.
No judge would put a juvenile on the sex offenders registry for 18 yrs without a massive reason.normally a juvenile is given leniancy.
You need to find out the details. It my well be that he has changed and is a completely different person now which happens as we grow up but he still needs to admit and own what happened and he completely honest before you can have him around your child
Really interestting that you dont care to know, youre going to be a mum so you need to know. how can you risk that? Being purposefully ignorant is no excuse.
And he still hides his head by the sound of it, so maybe not as dealt with as you want to think.
What do you have to do? He knows what he has to do. He has to do it. You should also contact them directly and inform them and get informed. If youre doing nothing wrong then theres nothing to hide but when it comes to this and your child you HAVE to have a full transparency policy, zero tolerance for secrets (or forgetting)
So if she was 1 year younger (16) he raped her. If she was more than 1 year younger, she could have been 15, his longterm girlfriend and his parents had him charged with statutory rape... Very different situations. You need details.
Read it again, it says he committed a crime, not that he had a girlfriend a year or two younger....
Statutory rape IS a crime? If he was 17 with a 15 yr old, that’s a crime...
Working in mental health, the men who struggle with intrusive thoughts about rape and child abuse Really struggle to manage those thoughts. Did he attack someone or was he charged for sleeping with his 15 year old girlfriend when he was a similar age but over 16? Massive difference in terms of relapse and risk to your future child. Failing to ask questions makes you unfit. Have the difficult conversation to put your child first.
Agree, his avoidance of it all and her blind trust even knowing that makes it quite dangerous to bring a child into. No matter if you love him and trust him, when kids are involved you don't have the right to ignore any information and possible flags.
Agree!
I really don’t think it would be a case of statutory rape between him and a girl a year or two younger. He seems to have a lot of shame surrounding whatever happened and I don’t think he’d have such a level of shame if it was simply a case of statutory rape. I think there’s a lot more to it than the OP probably does or wants to know. Hopefully the OP is willing to get to the bottom of it for the sake of their child.
There have been women who have been married for twenty years and not know what their husbands are. Knowing or being together for that long is no assurance that he doesn't have particular desires. You owe it to your future child to get to the bottom of it. If he has certain inclinations, he can no longer avoid children if he is living with them, food for thought?
If there was only one year age gap that means he raped someone. 16 is the consenting age and there wouldn’t be charges for him having sex with a minor so he has done something very serious!! And it isn’t him fucking up as you say, he fucked up someone else’s life.
You owe it to your unborn child to know every single detail about what went on. And then you need to make a decision FOR YOUR CHILD whether or not your partner should truly be around him/her.
I’d contact social services privately and discuss this with them. His evasiveness of the whole thing is a major red flag. Don’t be the person who looks back and says “shoulda coulda didn’t”....
I agree. Sex crimes aren't a mistake or 'fucking up' they are a loss of control, giving in to abnormal urges. If a person can lose control like that once there's always a potential they can lose control again.
It would be irresponsible bring a child into this without knowing the extent of the incident.
My ex (The father to my 2 children) when I met him he was on the sex offenders list, he was very open with me and my family from day one. I had a little brother and sister at the time I met him they were 4 so he wanted to tell my mum the full story and let her judge if he could be around them or not.
Nothing justifies assault but my ex was 13 years old after 3 years of abuse from a family friend his dad finally found out (his parents were separated) and my ex moved in with his dad. My ex had two step sisters that lived with him 7 & 9 and one day he thought it would be a great idea to show them his penis anyway the girls obversely were upset told their mum and his dad ended up putting chargers on him 'to teach him a lesson'. The conditions where if he sort counselling and no other incidents occurred it would be wiped when he turned 21.
Not saying he did the right thing but for me I glad he told me upfront and to me there is a big difference to flashing as a result of abuse and actually raping someone. We had kids a year later and he still had it on his recored at the time, we were completely honest with the police and they had a private chat with me after the kids were born and I told them I had no worries he recored was later wiped.
I think it is very important that your husband tell you what happened if my ex from day one could tell me about the shocking abuse he incurred and what he did to get on the list your husband should be able to tell you. If your going to start a family together it's important to share this information and be completely honest.
Best of luck
Whilst with my ex who I had one daughter with who was 1yo at the time plus three older kids from previous relationships (2 of them girls) his own daughter accused him of abusing him ( different story details not really relevant for this post) so they arrested him at my home, I asked the police and child safety officers (4 in total) what did this mean for my daughters as he lived with us, would I loose my kids due to the chargers, would he have to move ect ect... I was told No, that the chargers were between him and his eldest daughter that my 3 daughters had no involvement...... I did not have children's services visit me ect, nothing "changed" during the two years it took to go to court and was consequently thrown out of court
Everyone is so quick to think the worst. I know a couple whose parents of girl(now woman) dropped charges against her boyfriend when he moved towns to avoid being charged as a sex offender! They decades later are married and all it was, was the parents hated him and wanted him gone. Sure they had sex but it was only 2years diffence. They are a beautiful couple who could have had a life together instead they waited decades to finally be tougher again.
That's a very sweet story and all but when you plan on bringing a child into the life of a registered sex offender (unjustly on said register or otherwise) you are not afforded the luxury of giving that person the benefit of the doubt, it would be wildly irresponsible to overlook this or assume it was something fairly insignificant.
I've been thinking about this a lot since it was first posted, the more I do, the more concerned I get.
OP, I really hope you don't genuinely 'not care' for the obvious safety reasons and for another reason - it shows a huge lack of empathy on your part. Somewhere out their is the victim of his crime, I really doubt she would be so cavalier about your situation.
Please take some time and do some serious reevaluation, there's another person to consider here now. You don't want to be back here in 6 years time asking for advice on how to help your child deal with the trauma of sexual abuse, because that's a very possible worst case scenario.
The man who sexually abused my sister and her mate aged 11 and 12 he was 20s, has 2 kids and a girlfriend now n one being a girl. He was in jail for many counts including getting the 12yr old pregnant and when he got out and had his kids they had no dhs involvement or anything. She is the type that doesn't care about his past but she will when their daughter becomes a teen. He will be on the sex offender list for life. But I also know people on the register that have been placed on there from skinny dipping without knowing kids where around, peeing in public as a car with a child in it drove past. I would be asking more questions as depending on the situation will depend on what happens next.
If he is fully committed to your relationship then he should be fully transparent with the truth. Not deflecting, getting angry, hiding, etc
Massive red flags here. Please arm yourself with the truth, and then seek legal advice. You are soon to be responsible for another little human. Don’t be so naive and leave this shit up to him. Seek out any ex girlfriends and ask them a few questions. Funny how douche bag blokes leave a trail of “crazy bitch ex girlfriends” who “turn the kids against me” “keep the kids from me” bla bla bla
Shouldn’t you have investigated this before getting pregnant so you could have decided how to proceed? You may have found out it could spell the end of your relationship (presuming you would pick your child over partner) and then if you loved him you may have decided to remain childless. There are many couples that are childless by choice, I’m just blown away about how iresponsible you have been about this very serious issue that could have an extremely detrimental impact on your life and future. The horse has bolted so to speak and yes, this could tear your family apart.
I thijk she honestly thinks that knowing him that long and thinking hes ok overrides the whole thing, like it was just a one off teenager mistake (without getting the information to confirm that or prove otherwise). She probably thinks the law is all overblown and will lie to them so that she can live with with him and her baby in one house. Crazy.
She doesnt know what she doesnt know. So dangerous.
Hi Imperfect mum, how are you today? Hoping the comments on FB have helped you.
Do you still "not care"?
Will you be following up on his report?
I really do hope his conviction wasn't anything serious.