I've been with my partner for about 15 months. I have a 2 year old daughter full time and he has a almost 3 year old and a 4 year old sons full time. Although we don't live together we spend every night together, at his or mine.
When we first got together the sex was amazing we couldn't get enough. you know how it is when you first meet someone. You want to do it every chance you get.
Lately we have only been having sex once a week or even less. I'm always tired from the kids and riding the horses. When we hop into bed I just pass out. Or he comes to bed after a smoke and smells like smoke or oil from working all day and I've just reached a point i can't handle kissing him tasting like cigarettes. I've told him this but he doesn't care.
If we don't have sex he now gets upset and annoyed. He will start kissing me giving me amazing cuddles (he only does this when he is going to have sex) but when I say no he stops every thing and doesn't
touch me all night tells me to just roll over and go to sleep. This makes me feel worthless. He'll wake in the morning and I'll give him a kiss and he will say oh now you want to kiss me not like last night. And be stand offish all day. Where if we do have sex the night before he is so loving in the morning will make me a tea give me plenty of hugs all day.
Last night he asked why I don't want to have sex any more. I told him it wasn't that it's just I'm to tired. He told me that he doesn't believe that. That something has changed with me or us because I use to want sex all the time and now I don't. If it was like that at the start he would be fine with it but it wasn't.
And when I hop into bed he will say things like can I have a kiss or can I have a hug that I never make an effort. Last night I woke up and went to the toilet at about 3 got back into bed and he said can I have a kiss and kept me up for ages trying to have sex with me. Its hot where I am at night and his the hot water bottle type sweats in his sleep. I just wanted to lie there under the fan he told me to hug him I told him I was hot but hugged him any way he told me to "get my hand and shit off him". Now I am I'm exhausted. His parents had the 3 kids Saturday while he was at work so I could have a little nap, he arrived home and came into bed and woke me for sex. I said no and went back to sleep waking to him making me hold his dick while he rubbed it! Saying sexual things like don't you wish my hard dick was in you right now.. He tried to tell me I grabbed it and started to pull him off. Which I know is not me and this has happened between us many of times. What do I do? How often do you all have sex? His always so horny! Why does he want it every night? He said we don't have to have it every nigh but if we don't he makes me feel guilty for not doing it.
How do I go about this. How do I talk to him and make him understand that I don't want sex all the time? We had an family Xmas party yesterday with kids everywhere all hanging off me, so lovely but so tireing. He thought we would have sex last night as we had a nice day and that what you just do with your partner after a nice day he said. It's to the point now i hate getting into bed with him at night because I know he is going to want it and it's just going to turn into an argument. It doesn't feel romantic or anything if it's just expected you know. It just feels like a choore and I hate it I hate that we have come to this stage.
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17 Replies
I think you should get out whilst you still can.
He doesn’t sound like he is a respectful partner and you don’t have to live like this.
Sounds like he doesnt understand sexual boundaries. Accepting no, not coercing, the difference between sex and intimacy, how to accept being told no. Ive experienced this Ill just say its disgusting and doesnt get better. Perhaps google sexual abuse for your own information and let him know this isnt going to work yore already exhausted from it and he needs to get professional help if he wants this to work out longterm.
This guy sadly doesn't understand consent, and lacks boubdaries.
You should break up with him.
Without serious help he will get worse, not better. But he has to wand the help. Guys who feel entitled to sex usually don't want help.
I wish my partner wanted to have sex with me. You're lucking in that aspect. (The fact he actually wants you).
We have sex when HE wants it. Which is maybe once a month. It makes me feel like shit to constantly be rejected by him. So I can understand how your partner feels. (Imagine you wanting to go give your partner a loving kiss, but he turns and pushes away. That feeling over and over again).
You both need to come to a compromise. Maybe set a number of times a week to have sex.
Have some rules like "must be showered, clean clothes and teeth brushed before sex/bed. I had to enforce a "brush your teeth or you're not getting a kiss" rule. (My partner wouldn't brush his teeth for days! (Ewww), so I MADE him, or he suffered the consequences. It's now habit and brushes every night before bed.
You also need to tell him about boundaries. It's not ok to wake up holding a guys penis if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
It reminds me of the saying, "men need sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to want sex".
Do you make him feel loved? Or is he constantly getting told NO?
Does he make you feel loved?
Sit down with him, and write down all the ways he can make your evening more relaxing, to maybe get you in the mood for sex. (Eg, if you bathe the kids and put them to bed, and stack the dishwasher, it will leave more "us" time ;) etc).
You're a team, and you need to find out what works for you.
Agreed. I would kill to have a partner who wanted to have sex with me everyday. There has to be a compromise. The way he is handling it is not good but this is a problem that BOTH parties need to work on and come to a fair middle ground.
But youve cherrypicked one part. She has a partner that carries on and makes it her problem when hes horny and doesnt get sex and pushea her or punishes her. Every. Time. And its every. Day.
Shes not lucky he wants it.
Her partner hounds her for sex, pouts if he doesn't get it and tries to manipulate her by withholding affection, which by the way she's said makes her feel worthless, it's no wonder she's not feeling it. This is more than 2 people with higher/lower sex drive, this is about a guy that doesn't fully grasp the concept of consent or respect. She doesn't want to be desired like she's little more than an object of his sexual gratification, she wants to be respected and listened to and treated as though her needs are equally important. She doesn't need to compromise - he needs to stop being an ass!
You all have a very warped definition of lucky honestly, way to invalidate her feelings guys
He keeps her awake all night pressuring her for sex. This is not a lucky woman!
I have a super high sex drive. Love having sex every day. But if someone kept me up all night or was trying to have me hold his dick in my sleep I'd feel incredibly violated.
That's why I have stated they need to come to compromise.
x amount of times per week. Then no pressures to be put on her on the "off " nights.
I never Said she was lucky for having a hounding man, I clearly wrote lucky in the aspect her partner wants sex with her.
His behaviour is clearly unacceptable-again, as I stated.
They need to talk about what is ok, and what's not.
I was just sharing some perspective from the other side of things. He obviously isn't feeling any love, hence the (unacceptable) neediness.
I in no way condone his behaviour.
No. This is not your life, it's hers. No one would kill to have what she has. This is a really inappropriate comment that undermines the awfulness of what she's going through. Being pressured and punished is a form of sexual violence. If he can't respect her and see what he's doing, it's a matter of getting out, not 'compromising'. Women don't have to compromise on basic respect.
My partner and i were in a similar situation. I was exhausted from the kids and he wanted it everynight andngot moody when i said no. I explained how i want to feel loved and appreciated not just be made to feel like a sex object. I made him see how difficult the kids are and how much i do. Told him if he takes a load off me and helps more so im not exhausted and just cuddle me for once. Both get on the same page and understand eachothers wants and needs then compromise so you are both better off
Don’t spend every night together and see what happens. And how the hell do you spend every night together with kids in tow? Are you dragging them to and fro?
I’d be staying at home more, bringing stability to your child’s life, and giving yourself some space, and time to rest.
But honestly, maybe it’s time to break up with him. You’re just not that into him
My last relationship was so similar to this. You cant want sex with someone who punishes you if you won't have it, it's so degrading. I used to feel so trapped and worthless and as time went on, he got worse and worse. He wouldn't talk to me for days if I refused sex, would call me names, would punish me by not cooking dinner for me but for the kids and himself, would refuse to help with the kids because 'if I wouldn't help him then he wouldn't help me'. I would occasionally wake up to him having sex with me without my permission, he began to cheat, accuse me of cheating. I have been out of the relationship 2 years and I am so much happier. I didn't realise how straining and frightening the relationship was until I was out for about a year.
You may not see it or even be aware but you are in a domestic violence relationship, please consider your options, you are not in a healthy environment.
Good luck
It’s only been fifteen months, you don’t sound into him at all, cut him lose. I would say he tries every night because he isn’t getting any.
Leave hun,I actually don’t think you’re compatible,sorry,hugs 😊😊
My hubby works away for 2 weeks at a time and I wish we could have sex everyday and we’ve been together almost 20 years, 4 kids later and in our late 30’s,mid 40’s for my Hubby, I still want him the same as when we first met,even through our pregnancies...
Take care,
Leave hun,I actually don’t think you’re compatible,sorry,hugs 😊😊
My hubby works away for 2 weeks at a time and I wish we could have sex everyday and we’ve been together almost 20 years, 4 kids later and in our late 30’s,mid 40’s for my Hubby, I still want him the same as when we first met,even through our pregnancies...
Take care,
Thank you for posting this. This is my life too. It’s awful. He’s a (sometimes) recovering alcoholic and I have depression and severe anxiety (which I am on meds and therapy for) from dealing with it all these years so a lot of the time I just don’t want to. Im just not feeling it. I also have an incredible fear of becoming pregnant again (don’t ask) so sex always has a somewhat fear factor attached to it. (Ps I can’t take the pill or any hormonal stuff as it causes havoc with my depression and he hates condoms) When I am feeling it, it can be great truly but getting woken up for sex just doesn’t do it for me either. There’s so little intimacy in it and I feel like (as one commenter so eloquently put it) a cum bucket. I struggle to sleep most nights and being woken up has always been one of my pet peeves so naturally he gets a no (or usually a f@&k off I’m sleeping!) but he sooks and grumbles and keeps me awake on purpose with his tossing and turning and poking and groping until I give in just so I can get some bloody sleep! I knew this wasn’t normal, but I didn’t realise it was actually a “thing” until I read your post and the comments. Thank you for sharing what is no doubt something that was incredibly hard to say out loud. Know that you’re not alone and it apparently happens to many women. Xx