Hi all... This will be a long one I think.
I have spoken to you all before, DV survivor. Anyway. I had my first when I was really young and that relationship didn't work out, then met who I thought was the love of my life, Caring, sweet, we tried for a baby and got one, half way through my pregnancy he started taking drugs, became violent, I had the baby and found the courage when bay was 6 months old to leave. Fast forward, no contact with middle babies dad. I met someone around 5-6 months after I left, all my middle child knows. Which then led to baby number 3, 28 weeker, stress upon stress. Now see, after I left the DV relationship I promised myself I'd never let another man take advantage, I'd never let another man take control of my emotions like that again, I'd never fall asleep back to back, silently crying because everything just hurt and I'd never wake up sad to find myself still sad that night. Well, here I am.
It was great, he was great, everything was great but over time, his short Cummings have really came through. It's not the simple things like, leaves his cup by the couch and doesn't put the toilet seat down (although they drive me crazy) it's his attitude on SAHM, thinks we are just lazy, the way he speaks to me, constantly under minding me and asking "are you an idiot" "are you stupid" "just think about the words coming out of your mouth" if I'm too tired for sex, he won't talk to me until the following day. I gained a bit of weight after our prem and he made it clear he is t happy about that. He is constantly dramatic about EVERYTHING, he is happy unless his miserable, complains about everything. Puts me in situations I don't want to be in and constantly makes me do everything! He wanted to host Xmas this year, with 40 people but keeps telling me to call this person and this person, none of which are from my side. I'm pretty sure he is still attracted by umbilical cord with his mother and if his dad says jump he says how high" he can't make a decision without his dad, I'll tell him something, he won't believe it's true but his dad will say the exact same thing and it's fucking gospel. I work in the evenings and he has the kids, I can't be ok my phone but when I get to my phone it's a million messages! He gets annoyed when I have work, gets annoyed when I don't have work, I can't win. I gey up at 4.30am so I can shower because if I do it the evening I'm cutting into "his time" then that's me up, for the day, I do school Run, errands, housework, the eldest has a disability and the youngest has health issues, I don't sit down, then at 4.30pm he gets home, I got to work till about 10-11pm and do it all over again the next day. I'm exhausted, I'm sad, I'm depressed. I went to a shrink for a bit but he didn't like it and I stopped. I was sexually abused as a child, raped as an early teen and in a DV relationship and I need to talk to someone, but now, I managed to get myself with a narcissist. What the fuck is wrong with me, I keep making bad decisions that result in children. The biggest problem is, he is a great dad, 90% of the time, my middle child adores him, that all she knows. And I feel like if I leave, he won't see her to spite me. His family will make my life a living hell. They are the type of people that give 5 month olds fizzy drinks in their bottles and I've so far managed to keep my kids away from all that shit,but if I leave, he will do it just to upset me. So I feel like I can't leave, fuck I don't want to leave, I don't want to start from bare minimum again, I'd have to quit my job, humiliate myself with another failed relationship ship and my other two children will be so broken. I'm just so sad, I cry all the time. But I know it's best for my kids if I stay so they can have what they need and they can still have him. I just don't want to feel anything anymore.
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4 Replies
Youve put all the reasons in place of why you cant leave, then end by saying it makes you not want to feel anything. If thats not enough reason to leave!!!! There is NOTHING that is worth staying for. You will work everything else out. Get yourself into a psychologist asap this is not healthy at all.
You list all the reasons on why you think you can't/shouldn't leave... but what about the reasons as to why you should?
You have three children to three different 'men' (for lack of a better word, as real men don't act like this).
So what? A few strangers have a negative opinion of you. These same strangers would have a negative opinion no matter what you do.
People suck. Mothers are judged for everything. Breastfeed? Judged. Formula feed? Judged. Give your child a lolly? Don't give your child a lolly. Child in Kmart clothes? Child in name brand clothes? Stay with the father of your child? Leave?
Judged.
No matter what you do.
What matters is the opinion of those three beautiful children you're raising.
By staying, you're telling them that this behaviour is perfectly acceptable.
Your daughter/s that its okay for a man to treat you like you're his property. You're saying that its okay to stay in a loveless relationship. That you jump when your partner tells you to and drive yourself to the ground to keep them happy.
By staying, you're sending a message that your feelings don't matter next to a man's.
You're teaching your son/s that it is fine to control a woman, and that a woman's wants or needs come second to his.
To clarify - he's the one that's teaching him all of this behaviour (so you may want to reevaluate that great dad comment, as a great dad wouldn't teach his children such things) but by staying, you're sending the message that its normal.
Go back to that psychologist. Contact a domestic abuse hotline for help. Take the first step that you need to - and start putting yourself first.
Find your feet, learn to flourish as a single mother, and forget about men for a while.
GREAT advice here .
Also to the IM ; when you get out of this ""relationship"" , give yourself time to find out who you are & your own true worth before you even think about dating anyone new .
Hey sweetheart! I've been thru it too this year. It's time for us women to put our needs firstbecause if we don't no one else will. 1 get a psychologist, you need a support person who is impartial. 2 get to your local womens center- they run courses for women and they are amazing and will support you. 3 talk don't keep it in. If the relationship is worth saving, then give it your best shot by sitting him down and letting him know how you feel, go to councilling together to talk about how you can meet each other's needs better.... Oh and emdr works as well for trauma, most psychologists do it. Good luck!!!!