Not really a question but I need to get this off my chest, I can't and won't send this to her as i know the repocussions if I did, so I share it here anonymously for my own healing.
Before I start, I must say thank you to the imperfect mum sisterhood ❤️
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Letter to my boyfriends ex
I don't wanna hate you but a part of me does because you took the love he willingly gave you for granted, you took the vows you both said for granted, you took the privilege to be the mother of his children for granted.
I don't wanna hate you but a part of me does because you only thought of yourself and not all the others who would be hurt because of your selfish disgusting need to cheat, to want your cake and eat it too.
You didn't care that your actions would tear my boyfriends heart apart so much that he would never be the same.
You didn't care and you don't care, you tell everyone he left you but you never tell them why, probably because you know that your cry for victim and sympathy would be laughed at.
I don't wanna hate you but I do because you hurt him so much, that years later when he and I met, he was still recovering from that hurt. You see I fell in love with a broken man, I have loved him so much that I waited for him to heal, while still loving him, but everyday it has hurt, to see the man you love be so broken that he can't bring himself to let his feeling surface for fear of being hurt again.
I don't wanna hate you but I do because your actions had a ripple effect, your actions hurt my boyfriend and then hurt me because loving someone who is too afraid to love another again is heartbreaking.
I don't wanna hate you but I do!
I hate you because your actions meant that there was never any chance to be a mother to his child, never any chance to be his wife and never a chance to be the one he would give his heart to fully, you took for granted what I would cherish every day!
You broke a really great man, you tore his heart to pieces when you sought out other men because the one man totally devoted to you was not enough. You broke my best friend so much that decade later he is still hurts and probably always will.
I don't wanna hate you but I do because now the only ones he will open his heart to fully are his kids, because they're what gave him a reason to live when you took it away.
I don't wanna hate you but I do because today I cry while trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never be his first choice, his first priority, I will never have the privilege to be anything more than his girlfriend, because he's a really great loving man who is now too afraid to fully commit because of you.
From
Your ex's girlfriend
15 Replies
Maybe you should get him help how his past relationship effects him is how he chooses to either let go and yes it sucks his ex did that but 10, yrs is a long time to hold on to it ! People are human they make mistakes and it is life it's unfair but it's time he maybe started to allow himself be happy with you and start to see how unhappy it's making you ??? We all choose to either make change or be stuck ! Whilst I agree what she did was horrible it's in the past and well hating her for how he is blocking his happiness now is really a waste of energy ! Get some help for both or else you may as well be in a loveless relationship and you deserve more like he did and which he had now only he really is allowing himself be unloved ! Hope you get what you both deserve happiness
Hmm... may not be whatbyou want to hear but I think youre blaming her way too much.
Im saying that from a place as someone that was destroyed by my ex. I dont want my new partner to hate him or despise him or blame him for breaking me. Sure be on my side but the past is the past and everytjings changed even between myself and my ex since we split up. Dynamics change.
Just be ware hes not scapegoating and youre not too eager to buy excuses and take on a carers role. (Codependency). Its a dynamic a lot of men seem happy to play into and women seem to buy into, caring for a poor vulnerable broken man.
So true! Why the hell would you get involved with a guy who hadn’t gotten over his ex???? And so many years on, he’s still blaming her???? It’s a cop out
I'm sorry, but it's been years. Your partner has to realise that he's now in control of his happiness. He needs to go to a psychiatrist and work through his issues. It shouldn't still be affecting him so much.
I agree a lot of people have been cheated on and families ruined however clearly they were not meant to be ! She may also have a Side of her story and why she behaved poorly ! Still there split years ! I have been broken also however eventually you realise that you have to shed the negative ! I find it sad you say you will never be his first !!!
He needs to get help and making you his priority and first ! Or else this will be you in future sad and never enough in your eyes ! He needs to want to change in order to change ! And without change .. nothing changes ! Good luck
Did you ever stop to think maybe after cooking, cleaning and putting in effort he came home and rejected her? So she sought it elsewhere. Or that he was a shitty person? There’s always two sides to each story and you’re only hearing what you want to
I agree with this. Regardless of his 'barriers' if he doesnt love her (cant, whatever..) then he should at least be man enough to let her go. It sounds more like a copout to me and likely he did the same to exes as well.
3 sides to every story - his, hers and the truth.
You know it's not logical to hate his ex for the way he treats you, yeah?
I only say this because I see a lot of excuses in here!
I don't doubt she broke his heart, she may have her own side to this too.
But, his behavior, inability to fully commit or whatever else he's doing that's hurting you - that's on him! The only one responsible for that is him.
Life's a bitch sometimes, people hurt you sometimes either with malicious intent or just because they lack consideration but at some point he needs to move past it. You can romanticise this 'broken man' notion for now but you will come to resent him eventually (I think maybe you already do but it's easier to lay blame on his ex than to acknowledge the relationship isn't working).
Happiness is a choice, currently he's giving this woman the power to still control his life, he probably really needs some professional help.
You are also responsible for your own happiness too, there's no law stating that you can't prioritize your happiness over his self pity.
I agree with the other posters - everything happens for a reason and you don’t know what her reasons were. Also if he has children then they should always come first not his gf.
Maybe you’re not the one for him, maybe when the right one comes along he will break down those barriers. How long have you been together? You read often about guys who won’t commit then the next woman they meet, they marry quickly because they just know. What a miserable way to live, both of you hating on and allowing a woman of ten years ago to control your lives.
You sound like a lovely woman and love him a lot but do you not deserve a happy ending ! Sad to hear that you are both allowing her make you miserable and she probably has no idea , I am going to be honest here but most womAn I know would never leave a man or cheat especially if you choose to have kids with him usually more to it maybe he is not as amazing as you think nor is she but think more closely
Wow this hit close to home. Around 5 years ago I remember feeling very similarly toward my now husbands ex.
I don’t feel that way anymore.
Hate is a strong word. Probably too strong a word to use in this case.
When I met my husband he was broken. He acknowledges that. It took 2 years for him to start mending and letting me into his heart. Two years! In that time I was miserable. I loved him obviously but I didn’t feel fulfilled in our relationship. I too felt like I was second choice and if he had the opportunity he’d rather be with his ex.
Think about it. Would he? What sane person would want to be with someone who doesn’t want them?
I ended up leaving him because I was sane I guess.
Turns out it was what turned things around for him. Long story short we’ve been together 7 years and we’re crazy in love! We just got married this year.
Putting those negative feelings toward his ex isn’t going to solve anything. What’s done is done. She made her bed. He’s dodged a bullet. They have kids together. It’s all a package deal.
What do you want? You haven’t said how long you’ve been together, just that they have been separated 10 years and he’s still broken. Has he had relationships before you? There is so much we don’t know.
I think you should stop hating the ex and start loving. Love yourself. Love your partner. Love his kids.
If that’s not possible then cut your losses.
Your boyfriend needs counselling and if hes not willing to go, your wasting your life with him. After a decade, I think its time for him to accept and move on.
Your holding his ex WAY to responisble for how he treats you. Sometimes people use past realtionships as excuses to never fully commit to someone new or as an excuse for treating someone like crap....
LAST VERSE:
I dont want to hate you- so I will forgive you as I know people make mistakes and relationships don't always last forever.
I dont want to blame you- so I wont. My happiness is in my own hands- not yours.
I dont want to leave him- but I will if that's the only way I can be truly happy.
Honestly it sounds like he does not appreciate you. Also sounds like a comitment phobe. Time to put your cards on the table. "I want to be engaged by this date, otherwise I am leaving". And mean it. Sometimes after you leave they realise what they had all along or you get to meet the love of your life and be happy.