How does one deal with the x's partner constantly putting me down to the children. Had a conversation this morning with my 3 little kids 6 and 4yo twins. They said she hates me, says I'm stupid and says adult things to them like how I don't have a boyfriend, not only do they have to deal with her shitty comments but also her 5 yo says the same things to them. This is not a one off, it's happened many times but I've brushed off. Now I know this isn't going to stop and I worry for their well being. I never say anything bad towards her or him and our situation isn't amicable, so talking to him is waisted time as he doesn't listen, to him she can do no wrong. She had been to my house and abused me also in front of my children. She's a real piece of work.. It's gotten to the point where I hate them going to his house and have anxiety and have had to seek help.. and I'm ready to tell him to F off and he's not having them. But then they will suffer from my doing.. I'm so conflicted.. I told them this morning that this is not okay but honestly I'm lost as to what I can say. This hurts me and I'm sad my kids are going though this.
7 Replies
Thats really horrible :(
Call relationships australia to ask for advise. You could also speak to a legal aid lawyer who may be able to draft up a letter and send it to him, asking him to have his partner refrain from making such comments as its damaging to your children's mental health.
We've already tried mediation, went through the whole process then he just ignored all contact. I have the certificate for court and was hoping to avoid this but it's looking like I'm going to have to. Looking into legal aid now, I'm so frustrated I have to go down this path with two so called adults/parents. It shouldn't be this way. Thanks for your advice x
First of all organise mediation through relationships Australia, they will have security personnel availiable in some centres and can keep your ex in check especially if it's not amicable. If mediation doesn't work you can go to court. The judge can put orders in place that state that your ex and his new partner cannot talk badly about you to or in front of or in ear shot of the children and if they do they are in fact in breech of court orders and can have their visitation suspended, get your children access to a child psychiatrist or psychologist and access to some support. Their reports can and will help you in court. You won't be harming the children by removing his access especially since he's allowing them to be emotionally abused. The more you allow them to be put in this position the more harm that will come to them. My ex and I have an agreement that neither are allowed to put the other down in front of the kids nor are our partners and if we have a grievance with each other we take it up with the other person. Our split was not amicable and still at times isnt. If you're going to do anything do it legally, that's the way you win.
1. They wont suffer from being removed from a negative environment.
If you're going to follow this through, you will need to go to court. It will help hold her accountable and will probably scare her straight just to know you won't put it with it and she needs to watch it.
Document everything. Every interaction word for word. Send it to him. Don't expect a response and don't respond, just say you're not interested in fighting over it, it needs to stop for the kids. I just send mine a bullet list of what I know from the last visit. So he knows I know and it's on record.
Find the coparenting legal jargon for talking badly about the other partner and send him an official warning, like a lawyer letter, then if it doesn't stop & you're going to, pursue it for real.
Most parenting agreements include not bad mouthing the other. If you have one, breach him. If you don't, get one
I’m sorry your children have to go through this. I have a similar situation to yours, and been enduring it for 8 years now. We’ve done mediation, family law courts, court appointed psychologists, the works. Sad thing is, once Court is over, things got worse, and there is no recourse to address the complete inappropriateness of her words and actions about me to the children once an order is made.
The only advice I can give you is this: we don’t have the luxury of time with children. They grow up. Get yourself a good psychologist for yourself and continue to have confidence in your yourself and your parenting. As the children get older they see things for what they are. And they get sick of the constant bad mouthing. Be you. Love them and be their soft place to fall. The high road sucks, but it’s a better place to be that where they are.
My exes partner is controlling too. It's tough when there's not much you can do. I understand how you are feeling, keep seeking advice for yourself, I feel that it will help you to keep strong through things. As daunting as it feels, I would go to court and get some orders in place. Make sure they have in them that parents/ parents partners etc. are not allowed to degrade the other parent in front of the children. Then if they breach you will have grounds to take them for breaches which may see a fine for your ex. If your children will talk, I would suggest getting them into see a pyschologist. They can document what they say and give you some support that what you are saying is true, plus will also help to guide your children. Good luck Mumma, sounds like you are doing the best you can with the situation.
I am going through some issues too with my son and his father and fiancé. I was advised by my lawyer to seek a reference through a gp.