Would you be upset if your new partner had his previous partners name tattoo’d on his body?
I am 40 and I was married for 14 years, divorced now due to DV. I have 3 kids. Met new partner 10 months ago. He is 35 and has kids to his previous partner, they were together for 7 years but not married. She died about 18 months ago. He has a tattoo of her initials on his back that is about 5 years old. One on his chest of her first name that is 2 years old. Every time I see her name I feel like he is still hers, like I’ll never be enough for him because if she was still alive they’d still be together. He tells me every day he loves me, that I am the love of his life, that he wants to be with me. I just can’t get over seeing her name in my face all the time. I feel so selfish and shallow, I ask him to wear a shirt all the time so I don’t have to see it. It’s like she’s still here because every time he has no shirt on it’s a reminder of this person he loved enough to get tattoos of her name, it’s all I can see when I look at him. How do I get over it? Is it irrational? I have anxiety and PTSD from my previous marriage and just don’t know if I think straight at times. Is it something to be upset about? It knocks my confidence and makes me feel so second best every time.
17 Replies
I think you need counselling for your issues because this is not his burden to bear.
I understand this situation must be difficult for you. To be honest it's probably much more difficult for him too. Moving on after losing a spouse can be really conflicting, many people feel immense guilt even though they want to move on, they can feel as though they're betraying their partner in a way. This is all fairly recent too.
He lost his partner and the mother of his children. There will be a part of him that will always love her, with or without the tattoos. It doesn't mean he can't love you too, though I do tend to wonder if either of you are ready to be in a relationship - you sound like you're still dealing with a lot of past hurt yourself.
I think you need to accept that his tattoos and his loss make up part of who he is. I don't think he should have to cover them or remove them. It's something you need to learn to be OK with.
Agree !
Oh love, this woman he loved and lost existed whether the tattoos are there or not. Most people at this age would have had past realtionships with someone they loved.
I think this is related to your anxiety and PTSD and your past DV realtionship and you should discuss this with a counsellor who can help you find a different perspective.
When I started a realtionship a while after leaving a DV one, I kept picking faults in it that weren't really there. I was seeing a counsellor who said to me that sometimes after going through a DV relationship you can, without realising it, deliberately sabotage new realtionships.
See a counsellor honey.
*I also want to add, she is the mum of his children too so you will most likely hear about her from time to time and you can never react negatively to hearing about her. You need to be ok about that for his kidlets.
As there seems kids involved, I think you need to get counselling.
She helped make who he is.
This is not his burden to bear. It’s a tattoo of his previous love. Your his current love.
It’s not healthy for you to feel so low about this and you need to find a way to cope and move forward. I recommend a psychologist to discuss it and move on. This is the mother of his children and I’m sure he’ll always love her but he can also love you and you need to understand that.
Easier said than done but don’t let them bother you. It’s not like she’s a crazy ex who he says he’s not in love with and keeping them. She’s passed away. She’s not fighting you for him. They’ve had kids together she’s been a big part of his life and now you’re the next part of his life.
She's dead!! How do you think his children will feel if he goes and gets rid of that tattoo simply because you have an irratiotional mindset over a dead woman. He wouldn't be with you if he didn't care or want to be with you. If his wife hadn't died you'd never have gotten him. He would have been hers forever and you need to think about that. You're being selfish and you need to let it go. You need to thank that woman every time you see that tatto for making him the man he is. Because without her you would not have him how he is. You cannot make him remove a tattoo of someone that meant so much to him because of your insecurities. I think you need to see a counsellor to deal with your thoughts. I'd understand if she was an ex that was still running around and in his life but she isn't!!
When did I ever say I wanted him to remove them? I DON’T. Thanks for being nasty, great way to help someone.
Geez, a little harsh mate.
Being in a relationship with someone who's spouse passed away takes an emotional toll on the new partner too. I think the issue here is bigger than the tattoos themselves, it's probably more to do with how this IM feels emotionally, the tattoos are just pushing these thoughts to the forefront of her mind.
She acknowledged that she doesn't want to feel this way and there's nothing in here about her wanting him to go get them lasered off.
She was asking how to deal with these feelings.
I really feel for you and him. It’s such a tough situation, you have both been through hell ❤️ I understand where you are coming from and I also understand why he would have tattoos. It’s like you’re competing with a ghost, it would be easier if it were just an ex. My advice, give it time, get him to cover them at the moment, it’s very raw for you, I’m sure it will get easier for th both of you the longer you are together. Maybe when you have been together a while he could get tattoo of your initials too, respecting both of the amazing women in his life, past and present. For now, I would try to ignore it and talk about it in a few years with him and continue to cover in the mean time. To be honest, I don’t think it is you being insecure, I would probably feel the same and I don’t have your background. Good luck xxxx
I think it's lovely for him to celebrate their love and for his kids to see that too. He's not at risk of leaving you for him. See it as a sign that he is loyal. Maybe one day he will add you
On the one hand, if this was a bogan tatt of "the love of his life" that he was with for 4 years, punched out 3.5 kids in that time and then dumped her ass because mum became a not-fun, frazzled mum, he wouldn't have got near me with a 10 foot pole.
But, this was a significant and serious decision to celebrate his unfaltering love for someone he felt he'd get to spend the rest of his life with. Life didn't turn out that way for him, but luckily for you, you get to now celebrate a man that has that unfaltering love directed right at you.
At 10 months in you don't know if he's going to be your happily ever after but he sounds like a great guy that is going to be someone's happily ever, if you want there to be a chance that it's you, you are going to have to put in some effort to alter you perception of where you fit in his life. You're not second best, you just happened to be the second in sequence to come into his life.
A large part of overcoming your feelings in relation to seeing her name on him will come with the deliberate acceptance that he was hers, and the part of him that to this day loves her does not diminish his ability to love you or the fact that he is now yours. Give it some thought and a little more time, or even better call up a Psychologist and get some advice on CBT to really stop this train of thinking right in its tracks.
The poor woman is dead for crying out loud grow the fuck up her kids have no mother around the man lost the mother of his kids please go get some counseling
She died. It's an honourable way to commemorate her memory and the love that they shared.
It doesn't mean he loves you any less.
He's a widow and you should respect his past.
I'm thinking about a tattoo of my late hubbys name.
If a future partner wants me to hide it, they can get out of my life.
I've already commented on this so I won't repeat myself, I just wanted to say not to take the assholey comments to heart. A lot of people here clearly cannot empathize with your situation. Your feelings might not be rational but they are yours and you are entitled to them.
Good luck xx
The reality is he will always love her & so I think he should be allowed to have his tattoo (or photos of her or anything else that keeps her memory alive). But that doesn’t diminish his love for you. I think you should have some counseling to help you come to terms with this because otherwise you might drive him away. Look at Rove McManus - you can tell he loves Tasma but there will always be a place in his heart for Belinda. Tasma knows this, accepts this & loves him anyway. I think you need to find a way to have peace around this.