Hey guys and girls!
So I'm writing in seeking advice with my marriage. It's hard because my parents are only separating now at such an older -age after years of resentment etc and my partners parents separated when he was only 5-7ish. So unfortunately I don't feel as though our role models are the best and I have caught myself doing things that mum used to do, ie. silent treatment, shutting them out, 'ice queen' even though what I really want is the opposite. AND I know how hurtful and demeaning that can be to a person, so I try to stop myself from getting to that point.
So I'd really like some guidance on what to do and how to handle this situation... :)
So my marriage, we are terrible communicator's, okay in normal everyday, suck when there is a fight or tension.
The issue right now is, one that has been lonnnngggg standing (from the moment we met its been the same but never an issue) until we had a child.. I know right, I bet your thinking what no way, kids change the relationship dynamics, well its true!!
Well for me it was anyway, MY whole world and lifestyle changed but my husbands stayed the same, pub after work/weekends about 2-5 times a week, this includes 'calling in for a beer with a mate' coming home at 6/7/8...
I did not cope too well with this (even though he has ALWAYS been this person, and I knew that) we have countless arguments/fights/silent treatments etc over this,
His dad confessed to me, that when the kids (husband and siblings) where younger he used to avoid coming home, would call into the pub or wherever he could to be home after the witching hours, his dad has apparently had words with my husband about this behaviour too(knowing that its not right) BUT his dad is one of the guys he will catch up with for a beer after a working day..
I feel like I cant even bring up this subject anymore, the moment I do, I see it in his eyes, they just glaze over.
He tells me he needs it to unwind, he comes home happier, IS happier blah blah and that's all true, I agree but he honestly takes this piss..
So fast forward Our first child is 4, very independent, so much easier to handle etc etc and then BAM I'm pregnant and I'm shitting myself.
The first time round took I think 2-3 years to 'become' myself again, happy chilled, 'yeah go to the pub, no worries' kinda wife again. Now I'm so afraid I'm not going to be able to handle a baby, pre-schooler, housework, cooking all on my own. I'm going to turn back into that person I HATED, constantly bitching about my husband, whinging at him, crying all the time.
He denies it still BUT he most certainly did avoid coming home, he's kind of admitted it in a round about way when we where were in a good spot. Honestly I don't blame him, home environment was not a pleasant, welcoming one..
Soooo Please what is the right course of action??? I will most definitely ask for help this time around, call him home when I need him, not just sit and get tense.
But do I just except that this is the person I married, someone who has already 'promised' themselves to the pub. I cant change him, I don't think I have that power to do that and I don't want resentment to build for making him give up that part of his life he enjoys so much.
Do I do 'tit for tat' start going out on my own nights doing my own thing, or that just a recipe for growing apart??
I cannot sit at home again stressed, tired with a baby waiting, waiting for another adult, the one adult I want to see to walk through that door. It broke my heart the first time and I don't know if I'd make it through again.
I did keep myself very busy during the day too, I at least get out the house once a day, either shops or coffee/park dates with other mums.
PS I should totally mention, that he is perfect in every other way, he has his flaws but they are perfect for me, we are ying and yang and from the moment we met its been nothing but love. We make each other laugh and do have a lot of fun together too. And I do join him occasionally at the pub too, but only once or twice max a week, sometimes no times!
As I've asked my mum for advice previous, I put it like this, he doesn't hit me, abuse me, he works hard, especially hard so I can be at home. doesn't do drugs or smoke, is not a cheater and has morals, this is our one big hang up.
Should I just except him for who he is and stop trying to hold him to this unrealistic standard of how I think he should be??
Thanks for reading, I appreciate any advice xxx
4 Replies
Expecting him to come home at a decent time to help you with the hardest part of the day is not an unrealistic standard, I'm assuming you didn't conceive the children on your own! Just because he's a Dad/man doesn't mean he gets to roll in the door once the kids are in bed and leave again before they're up, leaving you to do everything - that's avoidance at its finest!
I think your only mistake the first time around is assuming this behavior would just stop once baby arrived and 'dad mode' would just click in. You need to be much more vocal about your expectations this time and let him know that sitting at the pub for hours on end every day is not an option anymore, perhaps be willing to compromise though - for example, Friday nights he can let his hair down and stay as long as he wants but on the other 4 nights of the week you need him home by 4.30 to help with dinner, baths, bed, housework etc.
Don't accept his uninvolved parenting.
I think you need to come to a compromise :) And youneed to open up to him about exactly what you said, hell, show him this post! I was you in my relationship, and it ate me up, once I let go of those feelings and concentrated on all his positives it changed my life! He also changed and was a lot more considerate too. Maybe tell hubby that your happy if he goes to the pub, but maybe limit it to once a week until Bub is at least 4 months old, and after if you call he comes home? Just an idea. Good luck and wishing you a safe pregnancy x
I think marriage counselling is your best option so that you can both work through your feelings. Pitching in with the kids after work is a normal thing in most healthy families and I don't think you should feel like you are crazy for feeling this way. Is he becoming reliant on alcohol? Is he driving back home with a higher than allowed blood alcohol reading?
Counselling dear, he made babies with you and he needs to be a there more... you can not be left to literally do it all. Try to get a start on it before this Bub comes because new babies are hard enough without other issues. Counselling will help to find out why he is choosing not to come home. Reading this it doesn’t sound like he has a problem with alcohol so need to work out why his life has not blended in with becoming a dad. And you need time to yourself every so often - really easy to lose yourself when you are 100% responsible for a baby. Good luck!