My kids all have emotional issues/ADHD after years of abuse from their dad, him abusing me and being caught up in the horrible process of the family court. Their dad has significant mental health issues.
Does anyone have any tips in how to manage kids as a single mum that all have high needs without going crazy. I would love practical advise like how do you get a child to focus on getting ready for school when they are so scattered, how to stop the bickering, needing to be told the same things twenty times, the power struggles between them etc. what consequences for not following directions can I use that are helpful and instant and won't do more damage. They are not naughty children. They struggle with low self esteem, anxiety and poor impulse control as a result of abuse/trauma. Using things like time out doesn't work because we can't do it twenty times in one morning or we would never get out the door! I just end up feeling even more frustrated which doesn't help the situation at all.
Advice for single mum with high needs kids.
Advice for single mum with high needs kids.
Posted in:
Mental Health, Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour, Kids
4 Replies
Routine, routine, routine and visual schedules. Have as much ready the night before. So school clothes laid out in the same place ready to go. Do things in the same order everytime.
You might find it easier to have them on the same schedule so you can supervise all at once, or have them on a staggers schedule if they do better separate from each other.
It will take some time and effort but things should start to run a bit smoother.
Visual chart, keep it very simple, mine right now is
1. Eat breakfast
2. Wash face, brush teeth, brush fair.
3. Get dressed
4. Medicine
5. Pack bag lunch water hat
6. Feed pet
We go through it together and I do all the little things and just praise praise praise. High fives. Have a race with each other toget dressed.
Try to keep it calm and positive.
There was a time mine simply could not do that list, it wouldbe tantrums and tears and playing around in between totally scattered, and now she can do the whole thing independently.
Keep at it, it feels endless but you will get there.
Have a schedule up in their rooms for each kid.
6.30am wakeup
6.45am breakfast
7am get dressed
7.15am brush teeth/hair
7.30am pack bag
7.45am leave
After each one, make them tick it off. If they're ready earlier, they can watch TV before they leave as a reward.
Get them to help you pack their lunches at night. Depending on what the school is like, give them a yummy treat. If they aren't following schedule, take the treat out and replace with a fruit.
Routine and therapy! Have a chat to your GP about getting the kids to see a psychologist who can skill them up with coping strategies for their big feelings they have/are experiencing, and possibly for yourself too. Psychologists can be very helpful to process what you're going through and to give you skills to move forward. You could also investigate family therapy to help you guys to work as a team.
It might also help to think about seeing a paediatric occupational therapist. They can help with strategies and tools that your children can use to succeed and thrive in everyday life. With the help of our occupational therapist we reorganized our house a little so we now have a school zone. We have a shoe rack near the door that has shoes, school bags, homework, reading and hats. We also have a chart on the wall that lists all the things they need to do before school. This helps keep our kids on track and reduces the stress in the mornings. This helps keep our kids on track and reduces the stress in the mornings. (Packing lunch boxes and storing them in the fridge the night before has also been a saviour to me in the mornings!)
Believe it or not, taking the kids to swimming lessons has also helped my kids learn some self control and burn off excess energy. It does help that our swim teacher is experienced with special and high needs kids, she knows when to push the kids and when to let up a little. Martial arts or gymnastics are also great sports for kids to get into to learn their limitations, learn to self regulate and to experience achievements, moving from 'I can't' attitude to 'I can!'
My final words of wisdom comes from our occupational therapist:
"It's not bribery, it's incentive! Give yourself a break mumma bear!"
If EVERYONE is ready before it's time to leave, everyone gets a treat. If we have heaps of time it's a movie, a little time it's singing by the park on the way to school, if they are just on time for a whole week it's an afternoon tea date after school/book/ooshie. Figure out what they love, start with small goals and praise them like crazy when they get there!
Ooh, one more thing, get a babysitter once in a while and go have some time for yourself! You can't poor from an empty cup. Look after yourself, do what works for you to recharge your batteries so you can be an awesome mumma bear!