I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and half, planning out our life's together, and we just found out he has a 1 year son. It was from a one night stand, she never told him she was pregnant. We found out together, and it's been extremely hard, especially because he wants nothing to do with her and refuses to speak to her for keeping it a secret for so long. I have been the one pushing him towards his son, but I have to hide all of my true feelings. I am devistated, I cry every time I think about it. It has been 6 months now and nothing has changed. We have only seen the child twice and that was because my boyfriends mom picked him up and took him to family dinners. His family is all involved except for us because he hates change so much and doesn't want to face his consequences. I don't even know how to feel, but i have to put a smile on my face and be supportive acting like it doesn't bother me because his family doesn't see the big deal and why I wouldn't accept it. I'm lost and this is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I love him immensely and I can't see my life without him but it's really hard for me to accept this. I have actually told him I'm not sure if I even want children or marriage with him at this point. I feel very selfish but I have no one to go to.
How do I over come my boyfriend having a child
How do I over come my boyfriend having a child
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Relationships & Marriage, Sisterhood Stories
13 Replies
His family are coming from a different place to you. Theyre his family, and the babys family. Youre dating the man. Having step kids is a huge thing, you are entitled to feelings about this. Its just not for some people and thats ok. It definitely wouldnt have been my thing before my 30s.
Also, you have the extra layer of him being a dropkick so far.
My only advice there is not to push him. Let him do it himself, you wont force a good relationship youll just force his presence which the kid doesnt need like that.
Just watch him, youll leaen a lot about his character.
And take care of yourself, if they dont understand your point ofview theyre not your support people and their opinions dont matter.
There are a few issues here.
You thought you were dating one person in one set of circumstances, but SURPRISE here are a bunch of huge complications. So yeah I can understand why you aren't over the moon.
There is also the added concern that your boyfriend is refusing to do the right thing by the child. For me, this is a deal breaker. Anyone that could abandon there child, I could never respect. Of course this makes you uncomfortable. You love someone and were imagining a future together.
Please be very careful. Make sure you are protecting yourself. Make sure condoms are used and you are on another form of contraception.
Its not selfish, it's SMART to be worried, concerned and if he is abandoning one child it's totally reasonable to expect that he won't be there for you and your children if you find yourself pregnant.
Thank you. I'm not making excuses for him, but he said he has no connection since he didn't know she was pregnant, didn't get to be there at birth, didn't get to part take in the name, or any of that and he said it doesn't feel the love because he got thrown into it all. Is that reasonable or would that still be a deal breaker to you ? He also doesn't go out of his comfort zone for anything, he's very shy and he just gets angry every time I tell him he needs to contact the mother because he doesn't know anything about her and he's still upset for her waiting so long to say anything. Also she had her moms friend call his mother to break the news. She didn't tell him directly. It's a very awkward situation. He's 27 years old so why would she tell his parents first ? Of course his mom was over the moon and started pressuring him completely ignoring my feelings on it all. This made him more angry at the situation and he has yet to overcome it. He is a good man, and he's so scared of losing me, but I need him to man up to this situation instead of hoping it will pass by.
The issue is, rather than facing his problems and difficult things, he is choosing to bury his head in the sand and hoping they go away.
Of course he doesn't have a connection but he won't have a connection until he creates one. He won't do that by pretending it doesn't exist.
Of course it's difficult and uncomfortable but most grown ups push through and work through these issues and do the right thing.
He has decided not to do that, in effect abandoning his child.
This is not a good sign for your relationship future. Marriages and life as a couple are full of surprises and difficulties that he won't have time to prepare for and adjust to.
This is a big red flag for how he will deal with things that come up in your lives.
His mum has done the right thing and made the most out of a bad situation and put the child's needs first.
That hasn't even occurred to your partner.
I think 6 months is enough for him to get over the shock. If not, get him into his doctor for a referral to a psychologist but it concerns me that he's not able to man up and be a parent. It's not the child's fault. I think you grieving your circumstances changing is very normal though. Time and building a relationship with this child so that you are glad they entered your life are probably the only way you will be able to get over it
The child is only one, of course he can build an amazing bond, a lot do it at a lot older ages. Growing up, if he becomes a part of his child’s life, his child won’t ever remember him not being around. He needs to stop making excuses about what the mother did, I can see why she wouldn’t want to tell him, given the way he has responded. His mum is a grand mother, this is her flesh and blood, she has reared her own children, she gets it, that this baby is a part of the family and she no doubt couldn’t imagine her grand baby going throughout life not knowing her or her father’s side of the family. It’s hard for people without children who are young to really get it, I guess. Her interest in her grandchild is no reflection of her feelings toward you, they aren’t even probably related in her mind. I think you shouldnt take grandma stepping up as a personal insult to you, because it isn’t. I personally would be questioning a future with a man who wants nothing to do with his own child too.
I also think you may be the road block as it why he isn’t seeing his child. You say you are encouraging it but also saying you don’t want marriage and kids now. I think you have one foot in, one foot out, either fully commit to the relationship and being a step mum or move on and find someone with less complications and then I’m sure he will step up.
Why has it taken so long for this woman to tell him ? Also has a DNA test been considered. He also has rights and doesn't just have to take her word .. it's your kid...
How many one night stands were there ? All reasonable questions.
I have been where you are and it is tough. It was a complicated situation. Lots of emotions for everyone. Unfortunately the child didn't ask for this so that's something to remember in your feelings. However this isn't your fight and you can't force your partner to have a relationship with his child. I am now separated to my children's father .
I have a beautiful step daughter and relationship with her mum so my sons can have a relationship with their sister however their biological father has nothing to do with any of his children. Also a complex situation.
So I'd be wary of his ability to take responsibility for his actions.
Yes, a DNA test has been taken. It is his child. She had pretended like the child was her boyfriends at the time kid, and he didn't think the child looked like him so he did a DNA test and found it wasn't his. That's what prompted her to wait so long. She also hasn't reached out to him either. I have tried communicating with her but she said she'd rather hear from my boyfriend than me. Not in a snarky way but more of a way she wants him interested in his child, not me. Which I understand. But it makes me want to stop trying in general cause it's not going anywhere
You should leave...nothing worse than being involved with a weak guy who won't accept his own flesh and blood! Get out while u don't have any strings attached to him! You deserve so much better!
Well I am going to suggest you just drop it for now . He's had a big shock and I'm sorry but males handle things completely different to women... pushing him will make him resent this child and the situation more . Remember males mature so much later than us, they also take longer to handle responsibility and change ... I can understand the lack of feeling toward the child too . They mostly don't bond to a child until they see it , experience it , build a relationship with it . That's just how they are built . We have to love our baby from conception as it relies on us to live .... He is not necessarily a bad man ... maybe immature, even spoiled ... give him time , hopefully he will soften and eventually see it's not the child's fault , and allow her to become a part of your life
As a partner who has been in this situation its a hard spot to be in. Its a complete shock to him and recovery from shock is different for everyone its akot to process and ge probably has alot of questions running through his head.
Best bit of advice i can give you is to back of from forcing pushing or encouraging him to have something to do with this child, its not healthy nor helping the situation. It is neither a sign or indication at this point that he isnt or doesnt want to step up but him processing what all this new thing means. Men are 100% wired differently to women. Right now you both need to sit down and have a clear non argumentive conversation and consider together what you both want and where you both want to go with this, he needs support and security that he isnt going to loose you over this and that your in it whole hearted or not at all. Seek counselling of you both need to but somethings take longer then others to get over everyone is different. I have also been on the other end where my partner was paying 10 yrs of child support for a child who wasnt his and he is the same one who went through this also sadly his mother is nasty and she knew all along and failed to tell him even down to having his son every 2nd weekend and now we have his boy every second weekend and have ceased my partners mother from contact as she kept telling everyone he wanted nothing to do with this child but wasnt the case at all. He wasnt a deadbeat dad he simply had a mahor secret kept from him by his family and childs mother. He is a fantastic father and your partner given time may just be the same. Goodluck with it all
I went through this exact situation 10 years ago, only I was married to the man already and the child was 3 when his mum made contact. I pushed for him to be apart of his sons life, and he was but He was a shitty dad, and husband actually... anyway I basically took over contact with the mother when we were still together cos they couldn’t get along, I am now still friends with her and have more contact with her and the child then he does. His father is MIA and I am re married with 2 of my own children to my husband that came after him 🤷🏼♀️ You can do it, it’s a different bond but it’s like having a new little mate. There is no cookie cutter for a family these days.