I need help. I’m not coping and there’s no way out. My ex husband and father is my two oldest children was controlling and emotionally and financially abusive during our relationship, and 10 years after splitting up, it just hasn’t stopped. I have a new partner and a beautiful new baby but he still has so much control over my life and my emotions and I just can’t get away from it. We only communicate by email and he ignores anything I ask or concerns I have, while his emails are rude and condescending. For example, instead of saying ‘We have a family birthday this weekend and I’d like to take the children’ he will say ‘We have a family birthday this weekend, I hope you will not make the children miss out’
He goes to the ends of the earth to avoid paying child support, and has paid less than $3000 in 10 years, and I’ve just had to put my new baby in daycare and return to full time work to make sure the older kids don’t miss out. Meanwhile he and his partner go on holidays, she works part time, and has her hair and nails always done. I haven’t seen the inside of a hair salon in years.
We have court orders but they are able to be amended ‘on agreeement in writing’, and he is constantly asking for changes.
If I let him have his way, agree to whatever time he wants with the kids and do all the runnning around, school stuff, basically all the hard work and let him enjoy his life and his time with them, he leaves me alone and is even borderline pleasant. As soon as I displease him, he turns.
He sends relentless nasty emails, runs me down to the children all the time but does it in such a way that the children don’t realize that’s what he is doing. I try so hard not to retaliate but more and more when they are raving on about how wonderful daddy is and repeating outright lies he has told them I just snap and say something I shouldn’t and them Im the bad guy.
More and more he will send me a nasty email or the kids will say something and it just ruins my entire day, I stress and stew and I just can’t let it go. It makes me so upset that he still has so much control over my emotions. For years now I’ve just gone along with whatever he wants to keep the peace and because the children’s happiness was paramount to mine but now I have a new baby I can’t do that anymore because it will affect her and she is my child also. Since I’ve stopped catering to his every whim and standing up for myself he has turned extremely nasty, the emails are worse and more frequent, the things he says to the kids are worse, he is unrelenting. It’s at the point where it’s affecring me everyday, most of the day. It’s taking me away from my children, my partner and my new baby and that’s so unfair on them.
Any other person in my life that was so toxic I would walk away from but I can’t. I’m stuck. I either be his doormat for the rest of my life or stand my ground and have to deal with the abuse. I just can’t let it go, I can’t ignore him, I can’t cut him out of my life. And I don’t want any of my children to suffer. I just can’t handle it anymore. I don’t even know what I’m asking. I just don’t know what to do.
9 Replies
Yes, the same. I thought I left my abusive relationship 6 years ago but I am still being abused and controlled. You have all communication in email though, that would have to work in your favour if you were to take him back to court to cement your agreement, limit contact with you and try to bring light on how he is getting the kids involved. Good luck.
Stick to your guns. He’s controlling you because he knows he can! How has he managed to dodge child support for so long? Does he work for himself? Start calling him out on his behaviour with the kids. There’s no point snapping at them as it’s not their fault he is a master manipulator and you’re probably just reinforcing what he’s telling them without knowing it. Document everything that goes on and like o said, put it in writing to him and see what he has to say about it. It’s a positive that you have all communication in writing. Now as for the changes to the court orders are they permanent changes or can you revert back to the original orders at any time? Because personally I’d just start following the original orders to the letter. That way no one can argue. It’s time for him to step up and be a decent father rather than acting the part to the kids all the while dragging their Mum through the dirt both emotionally and financially.
He thinks he is hurting you but in all reality he’s hurting the kids the most.
I have recently told him we will be reverting to the court orders and I will not agree to any changes. He now tells the kids every time they are there what they will be missing out on because mum is being stubborn and mean.
They come home in tears asking why they can’t go to the birthday party or holiday or whatever.
I’ve put his behavior to him many times. He sees nothing wrong and turns it all back on me. In such a way I often star questioning if maybe I am really making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe I am just being stubborn for no reason and I should just let the kids go there whenever he wants. But no matter what I give him it’s never enough, he wants more.
And as for child support, for years he has job hopped- as soon as CSA catch up with him he moves jobs. Now he works for a friend who also has a bitch ex wife who wants all his money so the two of them have somehow figured out a way to dodge the system and CSA can’t catch up with him. All his money goes into his partners account so they can’t even look at it.
The only thing I can do is apply for a change of assessment based on his capacity to earn but that means giving him mine and my partners personal details- bank balances, mortgages, incomes, everything. After everything he did to me this just feels like such an invasion and I can’t being myself to do it.
I have recently told him we will be reverting to the court orders and I will not agree to any changes. He now tells the kids every time they are there what they will be missing out on because mum is being stubborn and mean.
They come home in tears asking why they can’t go to the birthday party or holiday or whatever.
I’ve put his behavior to him many times. He sees nothing wrong and turns it all back on me. In such a way I often star questioning if maybe I am really making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe I am just being stubborn for no reason and I should just let the kids go there whenever he wants. But no matter what I give him it’s never enough, he wants more.
And as for child support, for years he has job hopped- as soon as CSA catch up with him he moves jobs. Now he works for a friend who also has a bitch ex wife who wants all his money so the two of them have somehow figured out a way to dodge the system and CSA can’t catch up with him. All his money goes into his partners account so they can’t even look at it.
The only thing I can do is apply for a change of assessment based on his capacity to earn but that means giving him mine and my partners personal details- bank balances, mortgages, incomes, everything. After everything he did to me this just feels like such an invasion and I can’t being myself to do it.
Can you tell him you have changed your email address and make a new one just for him that your husband monitors? If he's told it's a family email then he will know your hubby is as likely to receive it. He might pull his head in a bit. Otherwise, amend your agreement to include the other parent isn't to be put down by the other. That's very common to include. I would also include that communication should be courteous. Then hubby can just reply asking he sends a new request that is courteous every time he is rude. That will inconvenience him and he will escalate, but eventually he will settle. Likewise, I would refuse to change planned visitation etc if I was getting feedback of negative things he was saying. Again he would escalate but he would also learn to control what he says.
Great suggestion, but I already have a separate email account just for him that my partner and I both access. Our court orders already have the order that prevents denigrating the other parent but it’s hardly worth the paper it’s written on. He does it in such a way that the kids don’t realize he is doing it and there’s nothing the courts will do about it anyway, I’ve alteady tried.
Every time I see there is a message in that inbox I feel physically sick and like I am shutting down
Try contacting relationships Australia.
I’m the same.
Children: take them to a psychologist and let him ‘unpack’ their thoughts on the conflicting opinions of everything. Keep going there so in a year or so you have enough professional evidence of what he’s doing to them.
Child support is so hard as my ex is self employed and went from earning $1m to $2k... he’s such a narc he actually wants me to pay him back and has requested so too. You need to put in a change of assessment and tell them about the partner and luxury holidays etc. it might not get you anywhere but if the assessment gets higher and he debt builds then one day you will get it... even if it’s when he dies - that debt never goes away.
Thirdly, your sanity. I can whole heartedly say that my ex ruins my day regularly too...the smallest thing like ‘him not putting my kids new school uniform i brought him back in his bag so I have to be a uniform down all week’ will piss me off. He lies to the teachers about me so I look mental and tells the children that he gives me ‘all his money’ so I can buy them what they want. Court ordered us to sell our houses to pay off his debts, mine was sold but he just went against orders and kept his... but claims he’s too poor to pay CS. He never lets the kids contact me when they’re with him and they get sad going there - but STILL think he’s a hero. He will go out of his way to annoy me, but the emails and texts aren’t obviously abusive... he comes across as very polite... but he’s not, he’s being difficult and obstructive on purpose.
I could write all day about how evil that man is. All I can say it - take your power back. Do not be a doormat. That man will walk over you wether you’re nice to him or not in the end anyway. Initially it will hot up and become more intense, but once he realises (after a good 6 months or so I’m afraid) that you’re not going to take his shit, then it will die down as he will get bored the less you react. He feeds off your emotions, so don’t give him any! Don’t feed the narc... read up on ‘the grey rock theory’
People always say to me ‘ the kids will work it out in the end.’ Which is soooo frustrating as that could take years. Try to learn some meditation to get you through. You’re not alone x