Hi ladies. I have a 13yo daughter who just started year 7 (1st grade high school) and we are at the end of term 1 and she has only made 1 friend who appears to not be a very good choice she teases my daughter and swears all the time. Her best friend from primary achool has made new friends and hangs out with them. How do I encourage her to branch out and introduce herself to others she is very quiet and shy. Should I approach the pastoral leader at the school? Thanks.
13yo daughter struggling to makes friends at high school
13yo daughter struggling to makes friends at high school
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt, Teenagers, Tips and Advice
3 Replies
Is there anyone that plays a sport that she plays? If she doesn’t play one, could you enrol her in something like netball? Co-curricular activities are great for socialising! Encourage her to do those whether it be choir, sport or drama. Drama might help her to get herself more out there :)
Otherwise, maybe over the school holidays invite her primary school best friend and her group of friends over to your house. Don’t invite them out somewhere as they have the chance to go off on their own. Maybe minimise it to three or four people max. It’s normal for them to change friendship groups though.
As hard as it is, sometimes we just need to sit back and let our kids figure it out, especially when it comes to navigating new and old friendships in a new environment.
She'll be faced with many situations like this through her life, when she goes off to university or starts in the workplace just to name a few so these are important skills to learn (and as a shy socially awkward person myself, I can't stress how important it is to put yourself out of your comfort zone).
I wouldn't involve school staff just yet, it's a good opportunity to talk about what we should look for in a friend and how friends should treat each other. I'd encourage her to just say hi to whoever she sits near in class and to not isolate herself (ie, rather than eating lunch alone, eating in communal areas to attract others to her).
Lastly, ask yourself honestly - does this bother her or you? Is she happy with the sweary friend?
If it doesn't seem to bother her, let it go.
Give it time. I moved schools a lot and eventually stopped even trying to make friends. I kind of fringe dwelled on the weird kids groups so if we at sports etc I could talk to someone but we didn't hang out, have sleepovers or have D&M convos, it was just someone to sit next to on the bus.
All that changed in year 11, I met a chick and it was like meeting half of myself I didn't know I was missing. We were weird kids together, we fringe dwelled together, if one got busted for wearing the wrong socks with our uniform we both did. The group we gravitated towards were the fringe dwelling boys (that age!), we swore, we larrikined, we picked on each other mercilessly and gave each other nicknames no one else could ever understand.
To this day that woman is my best friend, the likes that from experience, many don't get to have. We balance each other out and when times are tough it's each other we reach for before family.
One of those fringe dwelling boys is my partner of over 20 years, a hands on handyman type that will do anything for me as long as it comes with a cold beer and a smile. The others in our fringe dwelling group are still close friends that we mostly see regularly, we had one come by a few years back after not seeing him for 12 years or so as he'd moved north for property work and it was like he'd never been away. Got him naked in the middle of the night to swim in the local creek in the middle of winter, like he'd never been away lol.
We're rougher than most amongst ourselves, would give the shirt off our back for each other, hold well regarded employment positions in various fields. If this friend you don't approve of, when you get to know her, is actually a good kid but a bit rough around the edges just consider her an unpolished gem. Because sometimes we polish up pretty well.