Finding myself, whilst taking care of everyone else, you can do it, it won’t last forever.

This isn’t a question that I need advice on, for someone’s to tell me I’m okay or I’m doing it right. For someone to make me feel self worth and accomplishment, but for everyone to realise, that motherhood isn’t easy, it’s so hard, everyday. I honestly can’t remember my name most days, I’m mum or wife, I’ve lost myself and I’m loosing my mind. But that’s okay, because one day I’m gunna miss the time that all I ever heard was “mum” and “babe” before I actually heard someone refer to me as the name I was given. My house is a wreck, I’ve got broken blinds from tantruming children, I think back from when i was 8 years old and that’s when simplicity ended. That’s where I ended. I’ve been numb for so long, block it out, you’ll be right, I’ve had one hell of a run, sexually abuse as a child to entering a real relationship, just for him to abuse me mentally, physically and emotionally. To now, 3 beautiful children, when I say beautiful, it is, but it’s all a big massive mess, a tangle of things that I never expected. When you fall pregnant everyone tells you that it’s gunna be hard but worth it. You’ll loose sleep and sanity, they will be your world, but they never tell you, there’s a chance your child could have special needs that you’ll have to fight a war just to get people to understand and listen, that you will sit with your 5 year old who cries because he doesn’t understand why daddy doesn’t understand he is still so little and struggles with his disability’s. That you will go through assessment after assessment and most days, you’ll want to punch the pead in the face and tell them to stop putting your child in brackets, in theory’s, Jean just a little boy who doesn’t understand why he is constantly getting tests. He passes one disability and they throw another in front of him, his life has been flipped and turned and made into labels. A principal who doesn’t care, a p&c committee who don’t value your throughys from the spectrum point of view. All whilst caring for 2 other children, one who doesn’t understand why daddy doesn’t love her or see her, one who lives most of his life in hospitals getting tests and operations. But everyone told me I’d loose sleep, the baby would keep me up any night. No one told me that the baby would sleep through the night but my mind never will the what if’s and the how tos, the fear that your baby won’t wake up after his next operation, the fear your daughter may get hurt in the process of looking for her father. No one tells you how terribly wrong things can go. People look at me and my family and tell me how lucky we are, we have a nice home, beautiful kids, a relationship that looks perfect, we dote on each other. No one told me youde be up late at night arguing with your husband that you don’t want another baby, you can’t take it anymore, you can’t risk for there to be more issues in the home, more struggles. No one told me this shit. They cover up the ugly of parenting so they don’t have to tell you that their life feels shit sometimes. Parenting for me, isn’t particularly fun. Where am I? I was so career ridden and now, now I just want to make sure that my life doesn’t look like the mess that it is. I feel low a human everyday, but I can’t remember the last time I felt like a person. 3 kids under 5 is insane, cute for pictures, but insane. But that’s okay, coz one day, this will all be gone, they will grow up and have kids, get married and live their own chaotic lives behind the curtains. Is it okay to cry? Is it okay to not cry because your beginning to feel nothing? Some days all I remember is waking up, until I go to bed because everything is on autopilot. People planning baby after baby and I just want to tell them to think, think about the what if’s, disability’s, health problems, a non present father, they say you need to make sacrifices for your kids but no one told me I’d have to loose who I am. I’ll find me again, it’s just for now. I keep telling myself it’s just for now, it won’t last forever, but why do they grow so quick and the days go so slow? This may sound like I’m struggling, I’m drowning, I AM! But I’m hear to say, that it’s okay! It won’t last forever, this is parenting can the ugly truth, not what your neighbour told you or the stranger who wanted to get handed with your baby bump, it’s real life fucked up, it’s beautiful, it’s worth it, but it’s not fucking easy. Every night I make a phone call to a friend now, just so I can say hey, it’s “my name” and then I’m just me,’I’m not mum, not babe. I don’t know how many times I’ve told the school mums my name and they still refer to me as “childs mum” so please, learn someone’s name, learn who the fuck they are and say it! Remind that mumma that she’s not just a mum, she is a person with wants and needs that don’t include their husband their kids or the fucking dog. Don’t get me started on the fucking dog, love him, but he destroys all my shit.
You can do it, I’m in a headspace of nothing but chaos, hiding in my bathroom with a cup of coffee, pretending I can’t hear my children fighting whilst I escape for a while, and in a minute, I’ll walk out, get them ready for school, and just get back to it. You may not feel like you now, you may not want to get outta bed again to do the same shit everyday, you might be bored with a list longer then your arm of shit that needs to be done, that you just don’t wanna do, but it won’t last forever, I promise you.