Hello IM fam,
My bf and I are both in our early 30’s, living together for a year and been together for 2. I have a son from previous relationship, my bf has none.
Before we got together I was content and happy being on my own. We were friends at first as I made it very clear to him that I DID NOT want anything more than that from any man at that point in my life. He was persistent and subtly chased me to be more than friends. After months of trying, one day he was massaging my head and as he leant in to kiss me, I kissed him back and the rest is history.
He really wants marriage and kids (I’m more reserved when it comes to these subjects), and he is great when it comes to respecting and loving my son as if he were his own (I find that in itself a beautiful thing as I can’t imagine it being an easy task to take on such responsibility). So I catch myself convincing myself that having another baby will be better this time round with him opposed to how things were with my ex (was abusive and alcoholic).
Some days I find myself picturing us as a big happy family with a new baby and married up etc then other days I just want to run away from the relationship and wished we were still just friends😔.
I feel like I’ve just started my life for me and building a career for myself now that my son is in primary and more independent. I want to work and build my business, I also find that I’m a much better person/mum when I was single.
I know it’s wrong to have a child for the sake of making my bf happy, but it wouldn’t mean I would neglect my child, I’d love it with all my being, but that’s what the issue is - I know I’ll give my whole life up to put my everything into nurturing this baby - am I going to be able to cope with putting my life on hold again? Can I do this again in my 30’s?? I am also insecure and super conscious about my body, you know, typical mum stuff - boobs aren’t perky anymore, stretch marks galore, wrinkly loose skin on my belly, growing hair where I shouldn’t be thanks to those after birth hormones, grey hairs etc etc
As much as I hate to admit it, I am a very vain person and I do put a lot of attention towards the aesthetics of my appearance, I want a boob job, I want a butt lift, I want to get rid of stretch marks and cellulite, it’s just who I am, and it’s taken years for me to save up and workout to reach such goals (which I haven’t achieved just yet)...it’s actually stupid to say, I know some of you will understand and some won’t, but it’s very important to me to achieve these “aesthetic” goals for myself in my 30’s, it’s what I need to do for myself to restore self esteem and confidence, I wish it wasn’t the answer, but sadly it is, so of course it scares me to think about putting my body through that extreme altering experience again.
Can anyone relate to what I’m dealing with? Do you have any words of wisdom or advice I could maybe take/learn from?
Thank you for reading xx
8 Replies
So if you were on your own, you’d be happy with your just your son and no part of you would long for any more children?
Have you talked to your partner in depths of all your reasons and feelings? What does he say?
You need to decide what you want and commit to it.
Being vain doesnt meam you cant have a baby and then get back on that course, but you will need to commit to having the baby and not whine about what youre missing or you will make your boyf miserable, amd yourself.
Same as this whole relationship. You cant keep throwing it in his face that he wanted it and you didnt.
If you don't want it, make the tough call and leave him.
The only reason you should have another child is if you really want one. If you have one for your partners sake without being fully commuted to the idea you probably will become resentful. Either towards him or the baby.
Now is the time to be having really honest discussions about what your future holds and what you both want. You may be able to compromise, you may discover you both want very different things that you're not willing to sacrifice - in that case it would be the best thing for all involved to go your separate ways.
To be honest and blunt it sounds like you dont want to be in a relationship if you keep throwing it back in his face. Even if you did decide eventually that you would have his child, will you throw that back in his face too? I think you should leave and let your boyfriend find someone who WANTS to be in a relationship
I definitely wouldn't have a child when you feel like this. I think it would cause resentment towards your partner.
It sounds like you don't want anymore kids, which is fine but you need to be honest with your bf and tell him there's no chance of it happening in the future. If it's important to him to have kids of his own it might mean the end of your relationship.
Time to be honest with him. Tell him that you don’t want more kids and move on with your life.
You don’t have to feel guilty for not wanting kids. You don’t have to justify yourself. It’s your life and you get to live it how you want.
He’s not the one! He pursued. You relented. You know what you want/need, and it’s not marrying and having kids with this guy.
The low self worth won’t be fixed with external mods, you need to work on internal as well as external.