May I please ask,
My boyfriend and I are at a crux in our relationship it’s been great thus far however the question of future children came up.
He wants kids, it’s important to him to have children. I on the other hand am very hesitant about having children.
I want to know, about some mother experiences. I’m afraid that if I have kids that I’ll just be seen as another Mum, it’ll mean loosing part of myself.
I’m worried about Giving up my body and my interests for another person.
I’m concerned that I won’t be able to get back into the figure I’ve worked really hard for.
That my partner won’t see me as my own individual, he’ll just see me as a Mum.
I’m also worried about getting it right, it takes so little to be a great dad, and inversely so much to be an awesome Mum.
I’d like to hear some other women’s experience with these sorts of fears or concerns. We’re a while away from having kids, his response to my concerns was “we’ll work it out as it comes up, you would be a great mother”. We have discussed it I’m just not filled with confidence and think he’s a bias in his response to my concerns
6 Replies
I have a 6 year old in year one now. The early years are hard and it is a struggle to not lose yourself. I know I did but honestly I think a deeper conversation is needed about parenting etc. Going forward, if I was to find a partner and consider kids it would be a serious chat about what time you would take off (for me that would be 6 months to a year). Also another point of topic would be work expectations. Women take on too much sometimes because “being a mum” is just what we do. That conversation for me would be “when I return to work I expect the household workload is to be shared”. I don’t care how great any mum is - no one has to work, parent and run a household on their own. Tell him what you want from your career as well. As long as you can share the load no one misses out on their career goals etc. it is doable but so many people don’t talk about the important stuff before having kids. If not, then not having kids is your choice too. It isn’t for everyone :-) Good luck
I honestly would never have kids with someone who wouldn’t have a in-depth discussion about HOW a child is going to be raised. Eg what’s the plan in regards to who is parenting the child, how they are parenting, who takes the day off of work if the kid is sick etc in DETAIL, how the finances are going to work. The whole entire lot.
Until he is prepared to have long in-depth, detailed discussions on how life will work with a baby, he isn’t ready and is assuming you are going to do it all. Even getting a puppy requires more thought and discussion than we’ll work it out at the time!
My now husband and I had a similar discussion a couple years into our relationship. All your reasons are similar to what mine were but mostly mine were fear of being a shit parent. We have now been together for 11years 6 years married and have a almost 4 year old. I do not want anymore kids and I love my son so much and is the great blessing in my life. Keep discussing this with your partner and work out what you want. He needs to be a father that’s his bottom line. Now it’s up to you there’s nothing wrong with not wanting kids but don’t stay with him if that’s your bottom line part ways and find someone with your same out look good luck
1) it's no easier to be a great dad than a great mum 2) lots of women gain their figure back and women who don't have kids get old and saggy too 3)my husband is the one who helped me see myself in me (rather than just a mum) and pulled me out of my post natal depression 4)I'm totally me.. A little bit weird, a professional and someone who loves having fun. Having kids didn't change that. In fact, if hubby hadn't wanted to teach our son to ride a motorbike I probably never would have learnt myself and I love it!!! Don't get me wrong, parenting is a tough gig and there are days I think it would be easier if I hadn't had kids but the concerns that you raise are really within your control. Xx
I think it's really amazing when people give it so much thought before they have kids as to whether they can give children a good life, whether they'll suit being a parent, whether they can cope with the demands of being a parent. Because I can tell you, once it's happening, you can't go back!
My hubby and I always discussed having kids but the decision to start trying was made on a whim when his mum died suddenly.
Our daughter is 7 now, I love her more than anything... but it's been a hard time. I struggled with being needed constantly, I struggled with not being around other grown ups, I struggled witj no down-time. My previously manageable anxiety disorder has kicked into high gear. I would NEVER trade my girl for anything but I think if someone made me understand exactly how challenging this would be I may not have chosen to do it. Thankfully my husband has been an incredible support to me, he helps me stay calm and he and our daughter have a beautiful bond. I often sit and watch them together as it gives me so much joy. I think it takes a huge effort to be a great dad, personally, and while it *does* take a lot to be a good mum, you do quickly realise that you cannot and will not get it right all the time. A lot of days you'll decide near enough is good enough.
Personally I think you need to express your doubts to your hubby. See if you can come to a decision as to whether you want children (at all) and let hubby decide where that leaves you. Whatever you do, do not have a child just to make him happy.
Mum of two here (4 &1)!!! I am 3/4 of the way through a degree, I work part time. I have friends I see regularly.
My husband works and see his friends regularly.
Yes having kids make you loose a lot.... but gee you find a better version of yourself that you didn't know was possible.
Flip that thinking. Try thinking about what you would gain being a mum for a while and see if you change your mind.
There is nothing better in this world.... and boy o boy has it changed me for the better