Whilst at work today I received a phone call from my partner... He had just come home from the local school where he had taken our 4yo son for a play... He had lost him for half an hour, before coming home to find he had walked home by himself and was sitting in the driveway "waiting for Daddy"... my partner is 90% Vision impaired (legally blind) and after freaking out and trying to find our son, had come home to get someone to help him find him. The school is not far (300m) but across 2 streets and around 2 corners.
I have two problems...
1. How do I help our son realise that Daddy can't always see him? How do I get him to understand that he can't just take off thinking Daddy will follow?
2. How do I make my partner feel like he isn't a failure? That he can look after him?
We rely quite a lot on family to help us, but they can't be around all the time... they have their own lives, and really we are very lucky to get the amount of help from them we do. Family includes older step-children, parents and siblings of my partner... We have enough "dramas" (for lack of a better word) with his eyesight without having to have me giving up work... I am not a stay at home mum, I don't cope well if I can't work. I am not a "mummy mum". Our son is a gorgeous boy, but very full on, very adventurous, very cheeky, very energetic, very stubborn and very emotional. Sometimes we think he understands that Daddy can't see everything (he knows about the cane, can be very helpful if Daddy can't find something), but HOW do we help him understand better? HOW do I help my partner without taking away his independence?
6 Replies
Mistakes happen.
Something like that could very well happen with my partner who isn’t blind and my 4 yo because he sounds just like your 4 yo boy.
If he is exactly like my boy, they are just so busy and constantly on the go that they don’t “think” a lot and that also comes with their age. And they will get better as they get older.
I think you’re doing everything right and so is your partner. Neither of you should beat yourself up about things because these things happen, to every parent... all of the time.
It just makes it harder that your partner is blind, and it just feels like that was to blame.. but it’s not. It’s just a part of parenthood.
Just keep doing what you guys are doing.. it will be okay
As the mother of an absconder I firmly believe this is one case where you should absolutely be using technology until your son ‘gets it’. There are some fantastic tracking devices for children. Get one. It’s a totally appropriate back up safety device.
Then contact your local blind society. Ask them if they have any children’s books that explain blindness and safety issues etc. if they don’t have any, write your own and read it to him. Daddy is blind, which means he can’t see you if you are not close to him. Describe how far, too far is. Explain what can happen to children if they cross roads (hit by car) or that a dangerous person can take him.
PS I’m not blind and they had to lock down our local target to find my son and he ran away in darling harbour once. Scary day!
I think you need to be firm with your son. I had a wanderer too and I did not take it too lightly when he took off on his own. It's a major safety concern, get tough with him and put rules in place. Explain that he will need to wear a harness if he can't stay with his Dad, blind or not thats not on.
Both my kids are adhd so wander off if not closely watched or run when anxious. My step dad is legally blind (with no residual sight). They've known since 2 that they look after him. They're also language delayed so explaining things was a challenge. So assuming there is nothing about your son that would impair his understanding, I think you just need to have a serious talk. Also, my kids wouldn't go to a park with just grandpa because he can't see if someone goes up to them, or if they fall when climbing and hurt themselves or if they're going up to a dog that doesn't want to be patted. I think your partner needs to consider his own limitations to and chose safer options.
Could you do something a little more hands on, such as blindfolding him and going on a walk. It'd be fun and would let him "see" (or, not see for the better of) what it really is like.
Afterwards, explain that this is how it is for daddy and ask questions like "could you see where we were the whole time", "how did you feel when you couldn't see us" etc.
Don’t put this on a 4 yo. And it’s not on you either. Your husband needs supports in place to live his life, that includes being a parent. Has he applied for NDIS? Look into what technology is available, a guide dog and support workers. Does hubby use the free app, can’t remember its name sorry, it’s like ‘be my eyes’ or something like that. It’s a video thing where volunteers will look at or read something for the blind person