Hi Ladies,
I’m just after a bit of advice. I have been in a relationship for the last two years with a man who I assume has bipolar. He goes from one extreme to the other. Smokes weed every day, doesn’t work, doesn’t get any centrelink benefits (because that would involve him making an effort to get a job)... I pay for EVERYTHING! Yesterday he got into a heated argument over text message with my mother, over something so minor. She then messaged me about it and I didn’t tell him. 3am he was awake and went through my phone and found her message.. woke me up screaming at me. (Literally making a mountain out of a mole hill). Also woke my 3 year old daughter up (from a previous relationship). I was so angry I told him to get out.. I have broken up with him.
Thing is.. I’m pregnant with his baby. I don’t want to get an abortion, but I feel like maybe i should?.. he’s so manipulative and I know he would use this baby against me to make my life hell. (A lot more to the story, but that’s the basics).
Any advice please?
Should I abort?
Should I abort?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Behaviour, Pregnancy
22 Replies
Nobody can tell you what to do.
I can tell you I am pro choice and if abortion is the right thing for you to do in this situation then you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.
I think in order to make this decision you need to get some counselling.
Could an abortion make your life easier? Most likely. If you are the type of person to ruminate over the abortion then it might not make your life easier. A counsellor can help you make your decision based on you.
If you don't want to get an abortion then don't. But maybe discuss with him sooner rather than later the facts and see what he is planning on doing re: parenting. For the first 12 months you will have custody none the less. If he hasn't made an effort in those 12 months, chances are he won't afterwards.
Would you trust him alone with a child? Would you want to grow up with him as your dad? Only you can make this decision but I would be aborting or not telling him (if it's not too late). For the future don't fuck losers.
Great advice....
NOT.
I presume you know from experience. 🙄
Just saying what I would do. She's asking for opinions so I gave mine. Luckily I haven't been in this situation but she obviously knew he was a dick and still had unprotected sex. I feel for her but no one can tell her what the best option is except her..
I'm guessing you liked your own comment to make it look like someone else thinks it's OK to be that rude. If she met him when manic, he might have been energetic, affectionate and fun. When stabilised he would have been just like anyone else. Just because his actions when he's unwell aren't ideal doesn't make him a loser or her irresponsible for dating him/falling pregnant.
I don’t think he even has a diagnosis. Stop making excuses for her, it’s a short term relationship, she knew what she was getting into and took her poor child for the ride too. If only people put their children first, over themselves and yes I am a single mum, I understand it can be lonely, but you can’t be so desperate you will take anyone. You need to be responsible and getting pregnant to him, that’s ridiculous. Her child is three and they’ve been together two years, so what does that tell you? She took no time between relationships either.
She literally stated in her first question that he smokes weed daily, doesn't work and she pays for everything. It sounds like he hasn't got a formal diagnosis either. I'm not bagging mental health conditions. But seriously does he sound like someone you should be banging unprotected?
Oh gosh. I dont want to tell you you should, if you feel you dont want to thats entirely your right. The reason I say to is because coparenting with this is going to be incredibly hard on you and your child, and you will regret it. I cant see you being able to stay and put up with that kind of stress, and single parenting is hard but youll also have the extra stress of dealing with him and the child. He will affect your life & speaking from experience, if i could fo back and redo, I would choose the coparent of my kids much more carefully - it impacts everything about your life and raising kids goes on for a really long time.
If you do make the choice to abort and move on from this guy, youll look back on this and be really freaking glad you made that choice.
I was 100% in your shoes. I had a 3 year old (different dad and child never met bio dad) and was pregnant to this new guy. I really sat back and thought do I really want this shit and drama in my life for the next 20yrs....big nope. Even if i broke up with him and had a child would i feel comfortable leaving him alone with the child....big nope. I looked back on my life before I met him and could see how relaxed and calm my life was, I even had a large saving account. He was a full pot head, had no job, lived with parents, had no respect for me, just full loser. Used up all my saving to support this guy and he gave nothing.
So I had an abortion, cut all ties with the guy and moved on. I set my standards higher, I set goals for me and my son. I do not regart me choice. I was a single mum until I met my now husband been together for 10yrs now and 5 kids later.
I am pro choice.
I am also of the opinion that children do not ask to be born, so we as parents have a responsibility to ensure they aren't coming into a situation where they'll suffer.
I won't and can't make this choice for you, however if I were in this situation and I'd already exposed one child to an unstable drug addict for 2 years I'd be thinking long and hard if I had any right to do that again.
You have a lot to think about either way.
If he wanted to be in the child's life, chances are he would have access. So.... Do you think he could help raise a well balanced child? Maybe stop thinking about you and think about the child. That might help you make a decision you're comfortable with either way.
From the info you have given, yep. Keep him out forever by not having his kid
It would be an agonizing decision for me, but I would probably abort and get him out of mine and my daughters life forever. I wouldn't want to bring a child into a life where they would be used as a pawn to attack their mother. Think of the mental health scars he could possibly leave on your unborn baby. And fact is, he WILL have access to your child. Pot smoking is NOT a legal reason to withhold visitation so the courts WILL force u to allow him regular access. That's not something u have a choice in. So if u keep this baby, u are stuck in a circle of abuse with him, u and your children. That's why I would abort
I co-parent (I use that word very loosely) with a man like this. We are 7 years in and it has destroyed my life and my child’s life. Whether you put him on the birth certificate or not he is apart of your life for potentially 18 years to life. Nothing can ever stop him from being a part of that child’s life and that’s something you need to think about. He is the biological father and he has as much right as you do whether he has no job, has mental issues and does drugs. He just has to be prepared to fight you and trust me, they always seem to be prepared enough to do it even though every other aspect of their life they can’t seem to figure out. Can you and your daughter and future child deal with what you do on a daily basis with this man because that’s what will happen.
I love my child like nothing else but I wish I had of never mentioned I was pregnant and disappeared because what we have had to endure over the last 7 years has been hell. My child’s father has very little to do with him but he has a hold over me because of our child. It’s been hard and it just gets worse.
Good luck mumma!! Only you can make the final decision but think about it very thoroughly. I wish I chose a different outcome for us but I have 11 more years to endure.
I have been in a custody situation sharing custody with a bi-polar pot smoking ex. He played a lot of games, did his best to damage my relationship with the kids, literally made up things and told it the kids. One Xmas he took the kids and refused to return them, another Xmas he wouldn’t let me speak to them. We were unable to move, he was nasty, and he generally made life really difficult. When his next relationship fell apart he got into ice, unbeknownst to me at the time. The kids kept it a secret because they didn’t want me to stop them seeing him. Eventually, he had 50% custody, and because he didn’t work, I had to pay him child support whilst also paying for all the kids expenses. It crippled us financially. He even got a big chunk of my redundancy when I was made redundant, even though I had to live on that while I looked for work. He used it to buy a motorbike which he drove unlicensed and 3 times over the alcohol limit, until he hit a pole and killed himself. My kids were teens at the time, it totally derailed them, and they have struggled since. It has been a hard and heartbreaking journey. I love my kids, and for that reason I’d do it again it in a heartbeat, but it did significantly alter the course of all our lives, my partner, my kids with my partner, and of course my kids with him.
No one can decide what is right for you, but you. Maybe you won’t have as tough a time as I did. But, if you have the baby, and your journey is as tough as mine, I promise it’ll be worth it, because you’ll love your child and you would’t trade them for all the heartache in the world. That said, you have the option now to walk away from the hardship before it starts and take an easier path with your daughter. I can’t tell you what is right for your family. I can only tell you, that if I found myself in that situation again in future, I would have an abortion and walk away rather than take my kids, and partner back down that road.
Good luck. Much love to you, whatever you decide. X
I feel for you, I really do. The fact you've said, you dont want to abort, makes me say don't do it.
If you want support to do it:
It will be easier to get your life and daughters life back on track. One child with one wage is much easier. You wont have ongoing ties with him. Your daughter is young and will forget him quickly.
If you want support to keep the bub: you are an experienced mother who is putting your childs future first by ending the relationship. A baby doesn't need a dad who is a bad example. Maybe You can draw up a custody agreement that is dependent on regular drug tests for visitation. You could not put him on the birth certificate?
Your heart and head will help you decide x big hugs
Yes abort
As someone who is in a sometimes very toxic relationship with a man who is depressed and has anxiety, please consider carefully bringing a baby into this world with him.
If you’re already thinking he’ll use the baby against you, you know it will happen. If he has no job or is lazy, it won’t change when a baby comes along.
I wouldn’t give up my child for anything but I should have thought more about what would happen in the future if I had considered the future properly.
That’s a huge decision to make with many things to consider. The main thing that comes to mind for me would be to consider that if he is bipolar it is a genetic condition that can be passed down.
If he doesn't know don't tell him. Keep the baby. I usually wouldn't say something like hide this from dad but in this case I would run. He's poisonous and atm he can't do anything to hold you back while you're pregnant. Go where you please and do best for your child. Yes children usually should have both parents but it's better to have no dad then an abusive druggie. I mean seriously who suggests letting an abusive person be a patent oh that's right everyone. It's stupid.