Over the time we've been parents, I can tell my husband hasn't found his groove. When the kids are testing boundaries, his are always pushed.
His way of "dealing with them" is to say things like, "stop that or I'll take you out the back and belt you". This is something he's never done but did have done to him when he was a kid. He says that he would do it to teach them a lesson and that he'd "only have to do it once" and then the kids wouldn't think it was an empty threat. I have not, and WILL NOT let that happen, ever. That is abuse.
He says he doesn't know what else to do. He says that the way I "deal with it" (correct the kids behaviour) lets them get away with doing naughty/kid things. I talk to the kids about their behaviour when we're calm.
Tonight, our most trying child, was pulling apart the couch, thowing things, going a bit crazy. I'd told him to stop, his dad told him to stop, but he was getting more crazy. I was finishing off planning for work, and I wasn't really paying much attention to the child, sort of ignoring it all. But then, I heard the child cry out. My husband had thrown a Ventolin at him, and got his back. I may have overreacted and yelled that he's abused my child and to get out. He left to calm down. He's back does feel bad about doing it, and apologised to the child.
No mark was left of anything, but it was one of those times where he made a parenting mistake (I've made them too, just so different to watch it).
I feel like he needs help. Some tools or somewhere to go that empowers him with other strategies to try. I feel like he needs to change his way of thinking about discipline.
He and his father have such a toxic relationship, and I don't want that for our kids.
Any advice please?
17 Replies
Find a parenting program. And step in when you see your husband is reaching his frustrated point.
You're right. I should have stepped in tonight. Thank you for replying.
His parenting style is based on fear, I suspect it's all he knows given what you've mentioned about the relationship with his own dad.
I would suggest a parenting program and I'd insist on some professional anger management help. Throwing things out of frustration means he has poor impulse control, that needs to be addressed before it does get to the point of abuse and especially before the teen years approach.
You're exactly right. It's only getting harder as they get older, not easier. Thank you for replying.
I think it’s a great idea for you to both go to a parenting course, together. Make it a bonding activity and help you both create some consistency.
There are ways to punish a child with out a belt and without talking to them. There is a compromise and sometimes that’s a time out or loosing a preferred activity or toy. It doesn’t need to be all or nothing.
I like the idea we can do it together. I don't think he would feel so targeted then. He's a good dad mostly. Thank you also for being so unjudgemental. I was worried logging back in everyone would be "divorce him" like on some posts.
I think he's responding like a lot of parents and it's probably heightened if you wait until they calm down before talking to them. That's not a judgement FYI. Just that finding a medium approach should assist.
Have a look at the Triple P parenting program, in some states the government has a scheme so that it’s free. We did it online, but there are seminars you can attend too
Thank you, I'll look into it.
I think you would both benefit from a parenting program. Or even some books about parenting that cover discipline. It sounds like you feel like dad is too harsh and dad feels like your not harsh enough. You both need to be on the same page.
Look, if it was me, I wouldnt have been happy with my child pulling the couch apart. I wouldn't have thrown anything because thats just being as childish but i definitely would of asked him to stop and if he didn't he"d be getting time out or missing out on a bed time story.
Your husband wouldn't be the first parent to lose his sh*t because the child is being naughty amd defiant but the situation was definitely esculated because you two are not on the same page. Good luck. Discipline is not anyones favorite part of parenting but there are resources out there to help navigate it :).
Sounds like you are both on different ends of the spectrum, I don’t think ignoring a child defacing furniture, nor throwing something at the child are good solutions. It sounds like you both want to be the best parents you can be and the fact that hubby said sorry says a lot about him,he knows it wasn’t right but jut doesn’t have the tools in the moment. Parenting course together, you will both be fine and on the same page. Parenting is like everything, we all need some education, don’t feel bad, we all have our moments. By being on the same page, the kids will also know the consequences and everyone will be happier.
Omg I started reading some comments and had to stop at the “a good smack never hurt me...” and “nothing wrong with a belting...”. It is abuse people! If you can’t go out in public and hit random people, why think it’s appropriate to do the same to a person younger and smaller than you? It’s an imbalance of power, and that’s what makes it abuse.
You and hubby need to do some parenting courses and couple/family counseling. Get on the same page, and it’ll help hubby heal from his own dysfunctional childhood.
Thank you!
I am shocked that so many people think throwing things at a child and ranting and raving is an acceptable way to discipline. I guarantee if the situation was reversed a woman would be roasted alive for throwing things at her kid!
OP: You and hubby are obviously at both ends of the stick, perhaps one extreme to another. You need to meet somewhere in the middle, it doesn't sound like your way is hugely effective and hubby's way is not acceptable either. Find some strategies you both agree with then you'll be showing a united front when putting them into practice. I think you'll find a really positive behavioural shift all round if you try this.
Good luck and try not to take the ridiculous comments to heart!
Honestly I am in support of your hubby on this one. You ignored the child then went off at hubby when he dealt with it. And then to bring in his upbringing as the excuse. That has a narcissistic feeling to me and if my partner ever treated me like that I would be showing him the door. I can’t get over the fact you kicked him out over this. I think you need some counselling to deal with situations that arise in your relationship because you are treating your partner like shit. And what you did was emotional abuse, you ignored the situation and then abused him, made his life insecure buy kicking him out and putting the blame on a situation that has nothing to do with you, men arnt the only narcissist, your an example of this.
Woah, narcissist?? Oh Please...
The OP acknowledges that she overreacted, I don't think anyone's denying that anyway...
But the father's way of "dealing" with the child's bad behaviour was to throw something at him, how is that rational or helpful?
I bet you'd throw a shit fit if a teacher threw something at your kid had they been misbehaving, I bet you'd be angry if another child threw something at your kid and I bet you'd be upset if your child's father threw something at them too.
Also, a person's upbringing often has an impact on the way they parent their own kids, lack of effective parenting skills is often inherited. It's a cycle that needs to be broken but it won't be unless that person realises that something is not working
Teacher, other kid, anyone threw something for NO REASON sure I would be upset. But this kid was distroying furniture and not listening. And it’s the kids father, not any jo blow. it didn’t leave a mark, could have handled it differently but it’s no reason to use the situation to abuse hubby. I would say don’t throw things at the kids, tell kids to listen to dad and move on. I wouldn’t kick him out over it. And yes someone’s upbringing does have something to do with how they raise their kids but it’s not right to bring it up when the person Is vulnerable and in the heat of the moment. That’s passive aggressive and emotional abuse. All your arguments are valid except where you pointed out she said she over reacted and said it like it is some kind of justification for her behaviour. you have also taken what I said and applied it to completely different scenarios and out of context which is really poor form. It’s important to stay on track here. This lady needs to check her self, stop abusing her husband and maybe things may change in her life.
Ok I'm not sure where it's stated that the OP threw her husband's childhood back in his face when he was vulnerable or even during their arguement? She said she felt his upbringing has contributed to his way of parenting (or lack there of).
I think you're reaching here...
I'm also not sure how I implied that there was justification for the overreaction, I was pointing out that it was in fact an overreaction and that I'm sure the OP was aware of that. I certainly never said that she handled the situation well or that she was right to berate her husband in front of the kids (assuming they were still present at this stage as it doesn't actually state if that's the case or not).
Can I ask you why you feel a father has the right to throw things at a child out of frustration more so than a teacher or Joe Blow as you put it? He doesn't! That's the point I was making, it doesn't matter the context - throwing something at a child to curb bad behaviour isn't ok in a classroom setting, it's not ok within a group of peers or friends, why is it suddenly ok at home? This is entirely relevant to the discussion so don't try and make out that I'm turning this into somekind of hypothetical debate!
Neither parent handled this scenario well, obviously. They both had a massive lapse in judgement but the OP had every right to be upset about her husband throwing things at their child.
You have read a few paragraphs into this woman's life, you don't have enough information to call her an abusive narcissist, thats the biggest issue I take.