I'm crying as I write this. I feel so lonely. So lost and confused where my life is going.
I have a daughter who will be 3 in November. She has never meet her dad due to DV. I left when I was 13 weeks pregnant. I moved interstate to be with my dad as I had no where to go. But I started to feel lonely so I moved back to be closer to my mum and sisters and friends. I moved in with my grandma. And took out an AVO on my ex.
When my daughter was born he threatened he was going to go for custody. I never put him on the birth certificate. He tried to make me abort her and then physically assulted me to miscarry. So I moved back interstate after the threats of custody. I was told by my lawyer if I was to stay here for 5 months it will be very hard for him to gain custoy and have me move back home. I moved in with my dad. My daughter was very close to him. He soon found a women online did a long distance relationship with her. Then eloped before even a year. Had a long distance marriage then. To she moved down and he moved out of our rental. She got a job that she was driving 3 hours a day for. So they decided to move away. I haven't seen him now for a good 4 months. No phone calls or anything. He doesn't want to talk to me cause I was upset he moved away when he was the only family I had. Said I wasn't happy for him. I am but trust me when I say this his wife is very manipulative and he doesn't see it. She's hated me and my sisters since day one. My dad couldn't come over after a certain time of the afternoon cause he had to be home in time to cook her dinner. He got a call once when he was out with me telling him he had to come home to give her a kiss before work. So he left as fast as he could.
It's now been almost 3 years since I've been here.
I've meet a man. My daughter was 10 months old when we meet. He has 2 sons. (We have been together longer than my dad's relationship).
But now I don't think I want to be with him any more his become mean and nasty to me. Always checking my phone taking photos of things on my phone. I've lost all love for him. Now his deleting messages out of his phone always sleeping with it. Messaging "a friend" at one o'clock in the morning hiding the phone so fast when I woke to see him on it. He deleted all the messages before I could find them. Telling me to believe it was just to a friend about car parts (his a mechanic). Then why did he deleted the message if it was just about car parts.
Always accusing me of cheating when I go back home to see my family. His called me names I can never recover from. Awful awful names one that won't leave me is "your a descrase of a women" it rings in my head all the time. He blames him being drunk but I feel like that's not an excuse any more. And it was on mother's day too. Always playing with my emotions when he up sets me he smiles like he gets off from it. He told me my hair was beautiful last weekend I felt so good about my self, then he laughed and said he was only being scarcastic. It broke me. When we kiss now he pulls away and says 'oh we can't have that that leads to sex and we don't have sex any more so we can't kiss'. It all just hurts. Every time we fight he takes his house keys from me like a punishment. But he wants us to move in together soon. Will he take the house keys then and lock me out to we make up again?
Yesterday I was sitting on the couch quietly crying to my self. He soon noticed ask what was wrong with me and went back to watching the TV then on his phone. He didn't even come and cuddle me or anything. He made me feel so much more worse and alone. Told me later on I was just crying as a test to see what his actions towards me would be.
I get along so well with his family. My daughter calls them her grandparents. His brothers kids are like her cousins there all so close we are all so close. His parents spend the weekends at his house they take my daughter out all the time to give me a break. But they have no idea what is going on between me and their son.
I want to end this relationship. But I'm so scared. My daughter loves them all. She thinks his her dad.
His family is all I have where I am.
I want to move back home so desperately. My Best friend who watched my daughter be born is having her first baby next month. My other best friend is getting married next year. And I'm missing out on all this. I miss my mum. I have no one. But I'm so fuckn torn. In a way I still love the man im with but I'm so exhausted by him. I'm going to miss his family especially his parents. My daughter is too. And his sons.
When we have been away on holidays he always fights with me makes me feel unwelcome. I remember crying this year and I wiped away a tear and wiped it on the car seat. He had a go at me and told me I was disrespecting his dad's car by doing that as I was wiping mascara on it. And his dad was so good to let us have his car.
It's to the point now I'm just waiting for the next thing I do to get told off about. My daughter knocked over a heater and he was so mad saying she could of put a whole in his floor I felt so uncomfortable. But I can't say how many hols are in my wall from his sons and I have a rental.
I don't even know if I should go in to him pulling his dick out all the time. Or waking me up making me rub him talking so filthy all while I'm asleep. When I wake he pretends to he asleep. Pulling my pants down slowly trying not to wake me.
But I'm scared if I move back home my ex will know and come after us. I still dream of him chasing us trying to hurt us. Or lock is up again.
I'm stuck. I feel like I can't breath like I'm swimming but not moving. I don't know what to do.
I showed a photo the other day of my dad to my daughter and she didn't have a clue who he was. It broke my heart. So really she doesn't have any one now but the parents of a man I'm not in love with any more. She always saying mum what's wrong and wiping my tears away. Not just from him but from the fact I don't feel like I belong any where.
If I do move back home I need to do it fast before my daughter is in school. I feel like the worst mum. If I'm up and move her again. What happens if I move back home and I don't like it and don't feel happy there either. What happens if I never feel happy again. I see couples that are happy women so in love and it makes my heart ache. I've felt like this for months now this is one sign I realized I wasn't in love with my man any more.
But then I sit here and think is it that bad what he does to me.
Sorry it's a long post but I literally have no one to talk to.
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
7 Replies
Oh honey. You can definitely be happy again. Your man sounds like an ass. I find this site can be a bit man hating at times so for me to say that means something. Move home. Move anywhere and find a mum's group. There are good men out there looking for love that are divorced and like children. You won't be alone forever... But a year or two wouldn't hurt. Your daughter will forget them... Which is much better than growing up seeing a man treat her mum this way and thinking it's normal. Stop the cycle and give her the best life you can xxxx
You are in an abusive relationship babe and regardless of how much your daughter loves his family you need to remove her from that. Gather up all the help you can get and start standing up for yourself. Move back to be with your mum and sister. If your ex wants to fight you for custody let him but tell him he can do it through the proper channels. Get some help honey. You don’t have to do this alone. These men in your life are actually weak and you need to stop running, stand up for yourself and start reporting them EVERY TIME.
If you would be happy for your daughter to be treated this way by a man stay if not go be with your friends and family!
You are role model for that little girl and watching you be treated that way will make her think that’s acceptable behaviour!
Sending you strength and love - life’s too short to be in a toxic relationship!
As for the DV fear - I’m so sorry that has been your path! If you go home make sure you study the law on it and have all the support you can in place. So if your ex does become a problem you have a plan!
Your partner sounds emotionally abusive, you really need to get you and your daughter out of this situation before you end up tied to him in a way that's much more difficult to walk away from (in the meantime, please use protection). Who cares how great his family are, it's not worth sacrificing your happiness and emotional wellbeing for these people. Your daughter needs her mum to be in a good headspace and a good place in the literal sense, a relationship with people who aren't even related to her is not so much of a priority right now.
You need the support of your mum and friends, but you also need to learn how to live as an independent, strong woman. Forgive me if I'm being too blunt but it seems like you've spent a long time relying on the support (and I use that term loosely) of one man to the next (Your ex, your dad, your new partner) and they keep letting you down.
It's time to learn how to depend on yourself and it's time to lean towards more positive sources for support.
Get some proper legal advice in regards to your daughter's father, I feel like you've been given some questionable advice in this regard already. There are procedures that can be put in place to keep you both safe. You're not his victim anymore, don't let yourself live as if you are!
Secondly, I think you need to address your mental health. You sound depressed to be honest, your self esteem is in the dirt and you feel isolated and lonely. That's a recipe for things to start getting really dark.
I also think you need some counselling to help you get out of this situation and to not fall straight into another one like it.
I hate to be cliche but we only get one life, do you want to spend the rest of yours feeling this way? My guess is no, it's up to you to change that though. Best of luck!
Go home to your mum and your friends. What you have described is domestic violence. You don’t need that. Get safe with mum then get some counselling so you can learn how to deal with what you’ve been through and get yourself empowered again.
Move back to your Mum, sister and friends. Get some counseling and start afresh. You need to work on you, to understand that what other people think or say about you is not important. It’s only important for you to feel good about being you, to love and respect yourself. You deserve better than this twisted sick fuck of a man. Learn to love being single, trust me, it’s better than putting up with mediocre men, and don’t settle for anything less than your dream guy
I have 4 children. They were 1, 4, 6 & 9 when I left DV. The only one who doesn’t suffer from anxiety 7 years later is the youngest one. He affected them all.
Tell your family & friends you need help. Also, speak to your real eatste & explain the situation. There are organisations that can help you out - I had no idea of this when i left.
This is DV. He may not be physical, but this will probably affect you & your daughter more.
You have the strength. You are worth more. You don’t have to tell him. Sort out your plan, get help & get out.
Get legal advice regarding your ex. He may not even persue custody. If he was recognised as the father he’d have to pay child support.