Dear mums. Please help me.
My husband and I are struggling.
With his handling of family matters where I've had to speak up to one of his siblings who is aggressive and abusive online on various forums. Something they felt was justified to write about myself and others yet he has not firmly confronted them about it to put a stop to it all. To even be support my feelings against their views and insults. Angry and hurt are understatements.
I don't feel emotionally supported at all although he does a great deal in other ways. He is accomodating for his parents, siblings, work, friends ... and yet does not show me that I matter in the same way. To the point of making decisions with his family before speaking to me about matters that impact on our family.
I feel I don't fit a rating on the worthiness scale, zero position.
We're not intimate much where we can be without sexual intimacy for several weeks. I have lost the drive to share myself with him as I feel so lowly in how I must be seen.
A few nights ago he snuggled up close to me then proceeded to place his hand into the back of my underpants caressing my buttocks. I would not consider it assault but it was odd. He proceeded to squeeze against me then fell asleep as his breathing changed as I recognise it, and then woke ejaculating in his own pants. It's not the first time but I felt so strange about it.
He apologised and said he didn't realise what had happened until it actually happened as he woke suddenly. But it left me feeling so uneasy and disgusted. Undesirable.
It is killing me inside after these past days that I had taken off for a few hours to cool down leaving my dear kids without a good night cuddle and kiss.
We have four kids with two on the autism spectrum. I wonder about my husband who has a brilliant mind and so accomodating for others from work to social events yet complete shit with his own wife's feelings and needs. I tell you no one would believe me if i told them this about him. I would have been the same to be honest.
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
10 Replies
I don't think squeezing your bum as he falls asleep is unusual. And if he ejaculated whilst asleep that's got nothing to do with anyone... It just happened. I think you just need to say to him what you need in terms of support
My reply to the person below is also relevant to what you said.
I have spoken about the impact of his ways and lack of support, but his response is to close off and continue to help others. And doing practical things for me seems his way of dealing with the upset. But it's dismissive which I've said. He's a manager in a big company and handles meetings and coordinates programs for conflict resolution, and yet does he bring it home?
I've seen and accepted this for 18years. It's so painful to live this way when I've been expected to conform all these years. I am indeed the blackest of black sheep in the family since speaking against the norm within the family.
My partner touches my bum when he goes to sleep we barely have sex as I have a low sex drive and some times he has a set dream it happens
I realise that may be part of what happens with wet dreams but when you consider it in the bigger picture it's not necessarily healthy.
This along with the lack of support surrounding the family, yet being able to support others other than myself is huge.
I don't appreciate feeling like an easy go to for a quick tangible slab of meat as it adds to how minimal my feelings are valued when it comes to everything else.
Does he stand up for others against his family? He might not like family drama? If so, you need to stand up for yourself. Alternatively, maybe he's being quiet because he loves you but agrees with them?
Yes I spoke up which led to being treated as an outcast and one of his family members writing defamatory material about me online on various public forums.
It was all unfounded but so damaging that I naturally expected him to agree it was wrong and stand up for me. He stated he thought their thoughts made them appear unstable and was out of line, but would never speak those words directly to them. It has been 4 years with no shift.
I did ask if he agreed with what was posted and he said he does not. What is interesting is that during our premarriage preparations we had spoken to couple counselling wife and husband team who stressed the importance that we each supported our partners towards our own families.
Not once has he done this despite me questioning why his mother is so critical and lacks encouragement.
It's as though I've married into an emotionally insightless family. I don't deny my own negative contributions but i have tried so much to supportive and proactive in all things surrounding their needs. I don't feel this will ever change and it's only now I'm seeking some support in dealing with it all.
I feel like the bum touching and dream thing is only an issue because you are feeling so poorly towards him. Any other time and it would just be a thing that happened and you probably would of laughed it off. Whenever I’m angry, anything remotely sexual actually makes me sick so if I was fighting with my partner and this happened, I know I’d probably be disgusted or pissed of. If that happened tonight though, I’d probably laugh and help him clean it up.
As for the actual issue... I think you need to address it. You’ve brought it up before with him but it’s never be resolved. Telling him you aren’t willing to keep going on like this if you don’t see an improvement.
I feel like you’ve enabled the behaviour for so long that it could possibly be too late to change, especially if he doesn’t see it as being an issue. When it comes to your in-laws, your partner should be the one ultimately doing most of the afdressing of issues, not you, and if he fails to do that then that’s where a lot of tension from both you and your partner starts to build up. I think it’s best f you drew back from the issues with his family and started making him address it, and if he isn’t going to, then draw back your contact with them. (If possible)
With my in laws, I constantly have to remind myself that they ARE NOT my family. Even though I married into them, I am still NOT the same and I still have the tread carefully. Whenever I feel strain, I always pull right back. And I might offend them by doing so, but they aren’t “mine” to be dealing with. If there are issues, my partner resolves them or you and your partner find a gentle way to resolve together.
As for just generally feeling unsupported, I’m wondering if it’s just a case that because of the above issues, you are just at the point where now everything gets to you? I think sometimes we forget to be supportive of ourselves and to stand on our own two feet, especially after being with someone so long. Do you need his emotional support for every day things, or can you support your own? Maybe you need to draw back some independence and not lean on him so much for support if he fails to give it to you... that’s just really generalising though.
Acts of service are probably his way of showing support, going out making a good living for his family. Is there someone else you can get emotional support from? I mean it’s been 18 years, hes obviously not the emotional type. I also think you should pull back with his family, don’t stoop to their level, they aren’t yours to deal with. He probably doesn’t want to get involved and cause a big drama, he probably wants it all to die a slow death.
I feel like I could have wrote this post myself, well all but the butt touching and ejaculating.
I have been married for 8 years this year, and we are going through the same thing, it has come to a head now where I have said enough is enough, we are even going to counselling and the last session we had he pretty much said that he will continue to support them even though the counsellor was telling him that he needed to support me before his family. I am now at the point where I hate my in laws and am beginning to hate my husband because of his refusal to support me, and am considering removing myself from the situation as it’s affecting my mental health.
Good luck IM, and if you need to vent to someone that knows what your going through, I’m happy to provide you with contact details for me.