My friend has 2 boys with her ex who now is with his ex. She has also moved on aswell. Well her ex has the 2 boys every 2nd weekend. The boys are 3 and 5. Lately the 5 year old dosnt want to go stay at his dads. He kicks and screams at drop off. Last time he said after a day that he wanted to go to his mums and the dad said no, he wanted to call his mum and he was also told no. The father said that its only because he is more strict on them. My friend dosnt know if she should continue to force him to go to his dads if he dosnt want to. There is no court order in place just an agreement. What should she do.
9 Replies
She should absolutely keep sending him to dads. She needs to encourage him to spend time at dads.
Lots of kids go through this and one year they don’t want to go to dads and the next year they don’t want to go to mums.
Also she wants to do what ever she has to do so this doesn’t end up in the courts over a non issue. The court system is stressful for the children and the adults let alone and will make everything much much worse. So she really needs to do the right things so it doesn’t end up there.
Unless there is a genuine reason to suspect that the children are at risk of harm when at their fathers, the visits should continue.
The reality is that if this went to court she could lose primary custody and it could be 50:50. If she is willing to take that risk then go for it.
My 4 yr old tantrums when I go to work because he wants me to stay home with him, occasionally he wants to not go to daycare.... giving in to tantrums (when there is no real reason to suspect anything bad is happening) is not a good precedent to set.
While I fully support dads I regret forcing my son to go with his dad when he was small. He was younger then your son and would scream for me. It got so bad everytime we got on a train or he even saw his dad he would freak out. I felt forced to do it and after along time he stopped. It was like he kind of broke like a horse. I'm scared I damaged him. I think his dad realised we couldn't do it anymore and when he randomly freaked and needed me we would hang out together instead. Their relationship is pretty good now that he's older but at the time even after he broke he acted like he hated his dad. I think that broke his fathers heart and he disapeared for 2 years without a word. I think the break did them both good and now their bond is really strong. My advice is not to force a child to go instead come up with other arangements to make the transition more easier until they can do nights again. the court system sucks though they dont care about the actual needs of the child. I dont mean giving in when a childs like ' I dont want to go to dads hes boring'
I did this as a child. I just didn't want to miss my mum. But I also needed the time with dad. Unless she is worried about his safety, I recommend sending him and getting him counselling with a child psychologist to help deal with the separation.
As a child who went through this..change the arrangement. I missed my mum so much, that now I still fret and get anxious when she’s leaving my house! I have little contact with Dad ei see him at Christmas as an obligation type thing.
My sister has a better relationship with Dad as they changed the arangaments when I was 12 (she was 7) she got to spend the weekend with him, but the nights were spent at mums. So Dad stil got all the day to do whatever he wanted, but returned to mums at 7, after they’d had dinner. She stil visits dads regularly and their relationship is much different to mine and Dad’s.
If he’s fretting, doesn’t want to go, why not ask Dad if he’s can take him during the day and return him after dinner and see if that changes his behaviour?
If she's going to stop him, that's not going to encourage dad to open communication and admit anything.
The child can feel uncomfortable but still be helped through it and stay at dads. Calling mum would help. Staying for a shorter time would help, dad staying at yours first for longer to make the transition longer and smoother would help, giving the child some choice and control (working towards rebuilding the visits, not cutting them). But unfortunately sounds like dad doesn't have much compassion and emotional intelligence. You can be strict and gentle at the same time.
My son was exactly like this, we changed to day visits once a week, without making it a big issue with his dad. When he didn’t have to stay there, he was more than happy to go. I suggest more frequent shorter visits.
My parents split when I was very young, we used to spend every 2nd weekend with my dad and his wife when my dad was living in the same city as us, I started to hate going over there because I found my step mum treating me differently (there was probably more to it but as a young kid I only saw what I did from my view and felt what I was feeling) I used to find her harsh towards me and open arms with my brother and I had my dad siding with her and trying to get me to do things on my own so he could spend time with her and my dad starting to bring up issues with my weight preteen, I used to refuse to go and my mum and dad had huge arguments over it... my advice is to have your friend a sit down with her son and ask him to tell her the reason he doesnt want to go, maybe he is feeling left out or maybe it is that fact that he doesnt like his dad rules but give him a chance to talk to you about it, my mum listened to me and went in to bat for me yes it caused issues and still as an adult I can feel a little tension between my step mum and I but I had a reason that I didnt want to be there. If the reason is found out then they have a chance to work through it together and hopefully the dad will come on board and help make his son more comfortable.
I am a step Mumma and our eldest would do this every time she had to go back to her mum’s (where she was full time), but after a while she gets anxious and sick at our place. It’s just hard for them to cope with change, maybe think of ways to make the transition easier until they are used to it. We used to meet the kids mum and the park and the kids would play for an hour or so and then just hop in the car of whoever they were going home with. It was much more relaxed and less like a “handover.”