Can someone give me some advice on learning to deal with my ex husband without ending up having a meltdown?
Back story, I left my husband of 7 years just before Christmas 2011. We have four kids. He was my first proper relationship, I was his second wife. I had no idea of what was right or wrong in a marriage as I came from a broken home myself and had no role modeling.
Of course there were good times in my married life, but most times my husband treated me in ways that I didn’t like.
I don’t really know the way to explain the way he spoke to me. I’ll try. I’m a very literal person, I don’t “get” sarcasm or allegory, I find direct instruction the only way I fully understand things without getting mucked up. I’m not intellectually challenged, I have an IQ of 131, but I DO have trouble interpreting a lot of things, such as tone of voice, facial expression, body language, and ambiguous talk.
My ex on the other hand is extremely lateral, and finds my way of experiencing the world odd, frustrating and stupid.
During the marriage, he would always talk to me in a way I didn’t comprehend and then insinuate I was stupid, not listening to him or that I didn’t care what he was saying.
The amount of time we argued because I didn’t understand something he’d said was incredible.
I eventually left him after I couldn’t handle being sworn at, called a retard, shoved around and eventually choked and the children live with me. They see him maybe 5 or 6 times a year, because he refuses to have them more often.
He still speaks to me like this on the phone every time he rings to speak to the children or to arrange to see them. Did the same a few hours ago, arranging to see them for Father’s Day.
I’m left wondering what I said that was wrong, why he accuses me of things I don’t do, why he speaks to me in riddles and round about ways then says to me things like “your brain doesn’t work the same as everyone else’s, does it?”.
How the heck do I deal with this man for the sake of the children, in an adult manner, without having a meltdown for the next few hours and feeling like crap??
6 Replies
I would stop speaking to him on the phone. Only communicate through texts. If he rings, don’t answer. Respond via text message ‘do you want to speak to the kids?’. If he says ring him, but hand the phone straight to the kids and hang up with out talking to him.
If he wants to see the kids, he can organise that through text. Don’t speak to him over the phone.
You sound autistic. Which is perfectly fine... But you will struggle with the things you noted and the people communicating with you need to learn to say what they mean and not have their actual intended communication be through body language or tone or facial expressions. Maybe ask he contacts you in writing. It will increase the chances of him communicating in a way that you comprehend. If that doesn't work, try going through a third party.
Have you ever googled 'gaslighting'?
If its not healthy, dont do it. Cut communication with him. The moment he is aggressive or insulting, hang up the phone or stop replying. If he wont stop, dont speak on the phone anymore.
If he still cant be civil and stay on point, he can go through court and a mediator - it will cost him but if he really cant be civil this will be the best and only way for you. You dont need the stress and abuse every time he rears his head and you DONT have to put up with it.
Somebody above mentioned autism which could be your case... I don’t know... but felt more like he is just trying to make you feel terrible about yourself and there is and probably never has been anything “wrong” with you and it’s just the amount of times you’ve been told that you know believe something is wrong with you.
I’d also stop talking to him on the phone. You can use text message as your means of communication with him. And don’t let him get to you anymore.
It sounds like he controlled you the whole entire time you were together and now he still likes to try and control you or take some control over your mind when he says nasty things over the phone to you. Don’t put up with it. You don’t deserve that.
You sound like a wonderful ‘aspy’ my friend! He’s right, your brain works differently, and that’s ok. Embrace it. Understand it. You’re not broken or wrong.
He is an abusive controlling mean nasty excuse of a man. You are in a domestic violence situation and need appropriate support.
I would not have phone contact. Written communication only. That way you can control the conversation, take your time to construct a message and also take the time you need to respond. Speak to relationships Australia and ask for their help in setting up a parenting plan that supports your needs and wellbeing, as well as your kids.