I apologize for the long post.
When hubby and I were first married I pictured us with a nice home with white picket fence, 3 kids and a dog. I pictured me being in the kitchen baking cookies in an apron with rollers in my hair and dusting and having my husbands dinner on the table every night and when he got home from work, very like 1950’s ish. I pictured that by now I’d be doing the school run not still changing poopy nappies.
My journey to motherhood started at age 29 with the loss of my first precious daughter at 17w 5d gestation which naturally shattered me. I went on to have a miscarriage 5 months after my first loss at 10 weeks along. 2 years later I had a missed miscarriage at 6 weeks. I had to have a d & c which was horrible. Less than 2 months after that I fell pregnant with my now 13 month old daughter who is crazy but is the light of my life.
Hubby wants another kid. I don’t want to rush in to it but was told yesterday by my doctor that at age 35 (I’m 34 now) my chances of falling pregnant decrease and chances of there being something wrong with the baby increase. Yes I know there are plenty of women in their late 30’s and 40’s who’ve had healthy babies that doesn’t mean I will to.
I have struggled with motherhood so far. Some moments are great and some are shit, like this morning bub spilt her brekky then spilt water and I just got frustrated. I know this is normal but I don’t want to be one of those mums who is cranky and tired all the time. I want to enjoy most of motherhood.
As it is I already struggle with depression, anxiety. I’m morbidly obese and don’t really look after myself properly. My hubby works away every 2nd week and most nights I have toast or a microwave meal, bub always has meat and veg whether it be a pouch from the shop or something I’ve cooked up and frozen. I do try and make sure bub has a decent diet. Meanwhile I hide away from her eating crap when I get depressed. I also have Hashimoto’s which makes me tired a lot. I have been on and off diets for years. I had lost 20kg a few years ago then lost my first daughter which sent me on a rollercoaster of emotions.
I have trouble keeping on top of the housework.
I thought I had more time to decide whether I wanted another baby or not. I keep going back and forth, yes I want another one then I change my mind.
I don’t know if I will cope with a 2nd child especially since I’m on my own every 2nd week. I do have a little bit of support other than hubby (who is awesome by the way) but I just have no confidence in my mothering skills. I constantly worry about my daughter as it is, is she too hot or too cold, is she teething or is it something else I need to worry about. Is she getting enough food and water etc.
Hubby thinks we will cope with another child. I also worry that we are not really in a good financial position to have another baby.
I know she didn’t really mean it but my doctor said I should start trying for another baby mid next year if I’m going to do it. I just feel so pressured and depressed now. Hubby wants a boy (yes I know there is no guarantee I will have a boy) to carry on his family name so I feel extra pressure from that t.
I don’t really know what I’m asking. I just don’t know what to do.
Is there really anything wrong with only having 1 child?
6 Replies
Of course there isn't anything wrong with 1, I can totally sympathise with how you are feeling.
I would have a chat to your doctor about your mental health though. From this post, you're obviously not in the greatest headspace and it might be time to have a chat to someone and work out some strategies for coping :)
There is nothing wrong with just having 1, motherhood is hard, i have a 15mth old i am almost 33 and women in my family go through menopause at 40, it took me 2 years and fertility treatment to get my son then his dad pretty much left me to do it all on my own after he was born (he was suffering major depression and his daughter was battling tumors in her skull and still is) and i also had to take on the responsibility of helping him with his daughter who was 4 almost 5 at the time. Our relationship broke down end of last year and I am now living on my own with my son (we are trying to patch things up but wont be living together again until next year at the earliest).
I know how you feel about motherhood and your capabilities because i quite often question myself and worry about everything, i have turned to eating to fix things to. I think the questioning is part of being a great mum though and most people i have spoken to have all said they question themselves as well and its hard because you care so much.
I am trying to make small steps towards improving my life and trying to work out ways to make daily things easier ie bulk cooking meals so i dont have to cook most nights, using my son as a weight to do squats (he laughs when we do that) and trying to call on family here and there just so i can have a hot coffee in peace every now and again. If you are really struggling with your mental health please talk to your dr.
I am also sitting on the fence about wanting another child, i always thought i would have 2 of my own, i know that most of it would be left up to me to do though and I am not sure if i am mentally capable of doing it right now. A few of my friends with multiple kids say that "sh!t" just works out and you make it happen, but you have to really want it yourself, I like you feel like I have a time limit and have to make my mind up pretty damn quickly about it which feels like its very unfair and the pressure eats at you. Talking to a counselor may help you work through it. I do wish you all the best and I hope you can come out the other side.
Absolutely nothing wrong with just having one.
And number 2 can be easier as you're better prepared.
But it's a personal choice and hubby wanting a child to carry on the family name is extremely outdated. My hubby took my surname as he felt no strong connection to his surname whereas I always have had that strong connection
First of all, you need to get your head sorted. I’ve been parenting for over 16 years & still have fail days. Lots of them! Parenting is the hardest gig in the world, but it is made harder when we are hard on ourselves.
You’ve had a hard time of it, and it is painful, but you have a little one here who thinks the sun literally shines out your butt! You need your mental state to get better for her.
I’m the type of person who has bad days, I let myself dwell, then tell myself it’s time to move on, & I do just that.
If you’re unable to do that there are many options for counselling that can help. Google online counselling sessions, or over the phone. You can do that at home.
Then maybe set yourself a time frame. 6 months if you’re feeling optimistic. 12 for realistic. That’s your time frame to better yourself. Then and only then do you revisit the idea of another child. By then you will either feel content with what you have, or you’ll be mentally ready to consider another AND have steps in place for if your mental health goes downhill again.
If you choose to just have the one child, you will still both benefit in the long run, if you take that time to work on yourself now. You need to be a priority, or everything else will keep unravelling x
One is brilliant! We made a decision just to have the one and are so happy for it. Parenting is so freaking hard at every age but it gets a little easier in the sense that as they grow up they can do more for themselves.
I have a lovely 6yr old boy who can be a handful at times but is genuinely pretty awesome and fun to hang out with.
Pros of having just one;
Easier financially, physically, emotionally.
I never have to hear siblings screaming at each other in the house or the car. Shopping is easy.
No fighting over what activity to choose.
We can give him more choice for extra curricular activities as we can afford a number of things both financially and time wise.
We get time to ourselves as we have a pretty self-sufficient kid who can make his own breakfast, do some basic chores and sleeps for 11hours straight each night.
I never feel guilty or stretched for time as I can give him as much time and attention as he needs.
My house is always neat and tidy. He’s great at picking up after himself.
I can go away with my girlfriends for a few nights knowing hubby is more than happy to spend one on one time with him.
Hubby and I can go away for a few nights knowing my parents can easily manage one grandchild.
Things to look out for with having just one is the social aspect. Mine has been in childcare since 8months old and we hang out with neighbours or friends almost every weekend. So he always has some playtime with kids his own age.
But at the end of the day we can come home and relax in a nice quiet and tidy house. Put on some Netflix and chill. Then only organise one lot of shower and bed. It’s heaven!
If it doesn’t feel right for you emotionally and psychologically to have another then don’t. There are no rules. And in terms of your partner you both have to want it to make it work otherwise it will be too hard.
Best of luck 😊
I had 5 losses before I finally had my son. They were all at different stages of pregnancy. Each pregnancy was harder on my body. I always wanted two but once I finally got my rainbow that was it no more for me. I am done. I know my body (and my mind) can not go through another pregnancy. There is nothing wrong with just one. People constantly ask when we are having another one and I am always saying no more it’s just going to be him.