Hi! I really need help.
After 6 years my partner and I have broken up. He told me he doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t feel the same attraction. We’ve been ‘trying’ for the last few months to make it work but he doesn’t see it happening and I’ve accepted that. I don’t hold it against him, but I am heartbroken.
We have two small children (3 and 9 months) together. I have no idea how to be a good parent while I’m so hurt.
We’re still living together because there is no other options at the moment. It’s not an issue, we get along fine. I just don’t have any time or space to deal. It’s pretty much life as usual except without the intimacy.
But I have to try to be a good parent to two children while trying to deal with the hurt.
I don’t feel like playing with my three year old. I don’t feel like carrying around a baby. I just want to lie in bed and cry. Or just be on my own and I can’t do that.
I’m having horrible mood swings and I’m snapping at my three year old for the smallest things. I’m trying so hard not to but I can’t help it.
We haven’t told either of our families yet, mostly because it will break their hearts just as much. I don’t have any friends around anymore, they all moved away within the last two years.
I just need to know how to be patient with my babies. I’ve spent the last three days giving them minimal time and/ or attention and I feel terrible.
I don’t know what to do. It’s only been a few days since it was made official. Please tell me it gets better and that the kids won’t hate me for not being a great mother at the moment.
8 Replies
It does get easier, but it will get will get harder and way more complicated first. My best piece of advice after being there myself is get to your go ASAP and ask for a mental health plan, it will give you 10 free sessions to talk to someone and consider anti depressants for the time being to help balance you out. Please please do it straight away, the longer you leave it the deeper you will spiral. A healthy mind is the best thing you can do for you and your babies right now xx
No advice... it will be hard but you will make it I promise. I think it a great idea to talk to someone but this is grief not depression. Unless you have had issues before with depression I wouldn’t necessarily jump straight to anti depressants. Wish you all the best.
My mental health got really bad at one point and I was so worried about the impact on my kids. Mum said she was a real mess when dad left and barely functioned other than keeping us fed. I have no recollection of her being like that and I was 4. You are processing your emotions and you won't damage your children by having them play independently or watch TV or lie in bed with you for cuddles. Stop focusing on them and focus on yourself for a short while. You'll be able to be a better mum in the long run if you do xxx
I just want to say, please be kind to yourself during this difficult period and don’t underestimate how well you are doing and how hard this situation is. I was in a very similar situation to you a few years ago and my kids don’t even remember it and are happy, caring, well adjusted kids. It was a very hard time and I had many obstacles that took time to get on top of, but I did, it just took time. And not listening to anyone who wasn’t constructive or know what it was like to have all the challenges I did. Just take it day by day or moment by moment.
It’s freaking hard, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, the worst part of divorce. I made a lot of mistakes during that time but I have a happy, 10 year old boy with a very close bond/relationship, this happened seven years ago. When he moves out you will get some time to breath and process this. You will stuff up some days, you will be impatient and yell when she shouldn’t, but you will do your best and in time you will heal. Be gentle and kind with yourself and know that the fact you are asking this question means you are doing a great job.
My kids dad walked out on us 6 years ago, I had 5 kids aged 9 to 9 months, all autistic, 4 in nappies, no car, no support
It was hell, and the grief was intense
The house was a mess, kids were fed but only basic meals, and I was shut down a lot of the time
The best thing I did though was take the kids for a walk every day
It didn't matter if it was cold or wet or I was tired or depressed, I forced myself to do it, we'd go to a park and I'd watch them play
It got better, after a few months I actually felt happier than I had for YEARS
I put the older kids into counselling and she told me after a few sessions that the kids were fine and she'd rather see them when their dad came back into the picture
The kids really were fine, they don't have a great relationship with their dad, but that's his problem to fix, ours however is better than it might have been if their dad and I had stayed together
You will need space to process though, it's going to be harder with him around like that, but you can take advantage a bit and leave kids with him for you to get some alone time and just process, set goals etc
You can do this, promise
Same. I feel like my relationships with my kids are so much better than when ex was around. Truer, more honest, real, and we have fun
Why try to carry on as business as usual? He broke your heart. You need time to grieve.
He can take care of his children, take time off work or whatever is required, and you go stay with friends or family and be taken care of.
Your world has just been flipped upside down, that takes time to process. Tell your nearest and dearest. Allow people to support you and your kids through this.
By giving yourself time and space, you’ll allow your true feelings to come up. Start seeing a grief and loss counselor, then when things feel a little clearer, you can look into Centrelink, housing, parenting plan etc. relationships Australia can give you some guidance. Get him out of your home as soon as possible. You don’t need to see his stupid face constantly
Good luck xx