I wrote in before about some difficulties communicating with my ex husband. He’s the one who constantly talks in riddles, sarcasm and backtracks on what he’s said, saying I’ve gotten mucked up and that my brain doesn’t work right.
Yes, I AM a person with high functioning autism. I usually manage well. I have a job, 4 kids (the eldest is out of home at University now) and an active social life, as well as a lovely boyfriend, who is also on the spectrum.
I don’t have depression or anything like that. I only have trouble in one area, that of dealing with my ex without having a meltdown.
I was advised to only communicate with him via text. I would certainly be doing that, except his partner only share one phone between them, and on the occasions I HAVE texted, she hasn’t passed on the messages to him. I don’t know if it’s him or her I “talking” to via text. Often I have made arrangements regarding the kids this way, only for him to have had no idea about it and then he gets angry at me.
Lately, it’s been worse. I spoke to him about a week ago about arrangements for the coming school holidays. He agreed with me on dates that they would have them, told me to hang on while he gets pen and paper, and write them down. All good so it seems. He then calls back shortly after, having found out I plan to go to the Deni Ute Muster (which is totally NOT his thing, which is fine), saying he won’t have them unless I drop them off to him. We live in rural Victoria and I usually put them on the bus to his town, they get off at the terminus and he takes them home and the reverse happens when it’s time to go home. Has worked well. Saves us both time and a lot of fuel money and the boys enjoy the ride.
He KNOWS I can’t do that at the moment, as I wrote off my 4WD hitting a deer, and only have a two seater ute at the moment, so cannot take all three boys to his. He insists he won’t have them unless I get my boyfriend to drive them so he can meet the boyfriend. I don’t want to do that, as my ex will then start having a go at my boyfriend and saying nasty things about me to him.
He rang the other night when I was at work and left a message (I’m not allowed on my phone when I’m on duty) that was all weird and mucked up saying stuff like he’s going to the ute muster, and “who am I speaking to, not the 22 year old boyfriend??” then he started counting “22,23,24,25 oh that’s the one! That’s how old Sluthole was when I met her” and then could be heard having an argument with his missus in the background.
He also rang our 12 year old and told him that when he rang me he heard someone pick up and could hear heavy breathing and asked was it mums boyfriend. He then said to my son that he could hear the heavy breathing now and my son said it’s probably you dad, you sound like a loony.
He’s done likewise over the next few days and not left a message, just him breathing.
Now this morning after having had bad dreams about this all night, I couldn’t cope and ended up yelling at my son who wouldn’t go to school and having a meltdown on the kitchen floor like a toddler.
Is his behaviour illegal?? He constantly tries to control me by only having the boys over the holidays when he sees fit and if he finds out I want to go somewhere he refuses abjectly unless I obey him in some way.
He doesn’t pay child support at all, he’s a kept man by his missus.
He’s good friends with several people in my town (where he also used to live whilst we were married), and they tell him what I’ve been up to, who comes over to my house, what times I go to work and come home, whether I call into the local pub for a beer and the meat raffle on a Friday night, etc.
He needs to stop it.
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
8 Replies
So it's not just him that is the problem, it is the people in your town too.
Have you considered moving for a better life? Just to take some of this stress off of you about people reporting back to him.
What are the agreed hours as per the courts? Or have you not gone through mediation? If not, you need to and work out specific times/dates for visits and custody.
Maybe try email instead of text. It's weird they share a phone.
He won’t give me his email address. Says he doesn’t have one.
There’s no mediation, he refuses to go to it. I don’t have the money for a solicitor, but he sure does. His missus is pretty wealthy.
I hear what you’re saying about moving, but apart from a few mates of his in town, most people here are lovely, and I couldn’t bear to rip my kids away from their mates, nor could I afford to move.
Yeah I think them sharing a phone is odd too. He refused to have one when we were together and was very against me having one as well. Since he insisted that I work, I insisted on having a phone to be contactable for work. He used to check it all the time. Smashed it once too, when I posted something he didn’t like on Facebook and his dad saw it.
Insist on mediation and no visits until he does. Let him arrange it. Change your ph # and put the old sim in a phone you keep turned off and in the drawer. Check it once daily and use only for text to him. Use that ph for kids contact at arranged time - your time not his. If he can't call when you and the kids say, then he misses out. He needs to arrange mediation to get more. He can't go to court without mediation first. Good luck.
Wow sounds really rough I'm so sorry. I also have a ex husband looser and while I don't have autism I have a mental illness that has rendered me in tantrum mode over my ex.
If I was in your shoes I would keep the record phone call. Back it up if you can. Keep all texts he has sent you, keep records of everything especially calling your son when he is drunk. Contact legal aid and find out what your rights are. I wouldn't let him have the kids at all unless he got his act together. You don't have to be his toy any more. Your boyfriend doesn't have to drive anywhere your ex is a ass hole
If thats the number hes given. You contact on that number. If he doesnt reply or confirm within a fair time then whatever youve asked is off or whatever he needed to plan ie a visit is cancelled. He doesn't get to rock in and out on his own agenda.
You need to just keep on cutting the contact and know that no contact is an answer - you dont need to repeat yourself trying to sort anything out.
If she doesnt pass on the msg thats not your problem. When he calls dont answer the phone let him leave a msg. You can use it in court if it comes to that. The text msgs as well which will show you have been doing the right thing.
If you have to speak to him and he starts going on like an idiot just hang up. Dont let him speak to you like that.
Ignore his demands on the boyfriend dropping the kids off etc. Stick to the plan and if he says no or demands something else just reply oh well maybe next time.
His behaviour is unacceptable and if you feel threatened speak to the police.
Try not to give him a reaction. If you stop giving him that he will get bored and leave you alone.
Go and apply for child support, ignore his calls let him leave messages and write him a text stating your terms ie when he can call the boys and they'll answer, that you will only communicate with him via text that there will be no conversation, tell him to communicate with his partner so he doesn't miss any important messages or calls and tell him if he doesn't like it to call the mediators and organise mediation. Make sure you call and update your details with any mediation service he may try to use. That way he can't say he doesn't have your details. Also give them your kids details so they have it al on file. A lot of work but so worth it so he can't just try and take you to court. Even if he says he's not earning he probably is and the ATO will get him eventually and he'll have a debt to incur. Get a cheap ass phone for your old sim. Tell your boys that dads changed his mind and doesn't wish to collect them from the terminus but maybe they can call him and see why. If they're teenagers give them some money for a taxi and the address they should be able to work it out. Get a AVO against your ex if he keeps leaving random messages and abusive messages. If you left him and he's moved on he's still blaming you it just shows how much of a narcissist he is. Also moving isn't going to destroy your children's lives living and being unhappy and them constantly seeing you unhappy because you chose to stay somewhere for them. They're at an age where they can go out and make new friends don't let fear of the unknown control your life. Also your neighbours/friends are a bunch of dicks. If your ex calls/messages having a go at you about someone being at your place or you doing something hang up and ignore it. Keep all records of it and move past it. Stop letting this dick control you, you are stronger than you know you just have to take the power back!!
I just want to add that email is not an option as they don’t have one, and I wouldn’t know if it’s him or the missus I was talking to.
He rang again the other night when I’m at work and left a message saying he’s not having them at all over the holidays. Then a few minutes later the phone rings again and it’s the missus saying “look, the boys need to live with us”.
They do this every holidays. Say they’re having them, then their not. If I send them anyway, I get abused for sending them when *I* want them to go, as apparently it’s always got to be when *they* want them. If I don’t send them because I’ve been told not to, then I get abused for withholding his children from him. I can’t win!
Why can’t they just be normal and not play stupid games?