My sisters in law - have from the time I've met my husband treated me with disdain. Their mum has also always treated me this way. I think in her eyes - I wasn't good enough, but 15 years later, I'm still around. We have 3 kids. The relationship with the inlaws has always been a difficult one. Their visits fill me with dread. I've stood up to them and its not gone down well. It's caused stress for months on end.
My sisters in law lived with us for a while, which was a huge source of stress and drama, and they reported back to their mum if that makes sense? As in my husband and I had no privacy and Mother in law was privy to every single thing we did or were about to do. She even took pride is telling me often that she already knew that. Or she'd ask how my dinner with friends went, when I hadn't even mentioned it to her.
They( all 3) were never happy with my parenting methods etc, and felt obliged to comment on it whenever they had a chance. And when i used to ignore them or tell them not to bother - they would then start telling my kids what they should do instead of what mummy was telling them to do. I should add, My kids absolutely love them - I've never ever said a bad word about them to my kids and neither have I stopped them from seeing their aunts/grandparents. I have however insisted that either myself or my husband be present, whether its at their house or ours.
Anyway - my sisters in law are both married now and have kids of their own. They all still bitch and moan about me to mutual friends. They've been know to exaggerate the details of any issues between us. . At best I would describe our relationship as - cordial. There is definitely mutual dislike. One of the kids aunts would like to take my kids out for a day. No matter how hard I try to entertain this idea, I end up in a panic. I am 100% not comfortable with this idea. To be honest, I would rather my kids didn't spend any extra time with them. They are toxic, it is the best word I can find to describe them unfortunately. I feel that it is right to only see them sometimes.
My husband - is also happy with this arrangement. He's fine with the kids seeing them sporadically and also is happy for one of us to be present.
I am by nature a people pleaser. I dislike the thought that it can be seen as me keeping the kids away from them.( I'm happy for them to see the kids while we are around however). I care what people think - UNFORTUNATELY! its been my biggest issue.
How can I tell them - that the kids can spend time with them without being away from either my husband or i?
P.S I am sorry if this sounds like a mad ramble.
19 Replies
I don’t think you need to say anything other than no. Your children - not theirs, your decisions, not theirs. If they ask why just say “we’re not comfortable with the arrangement” and leave it at that.
My parents have a rule, and my sisters and I have the same rule now, because it worked so well.
We all communicate and negotiate with our own families. So that means I say no to my family and my partner says no to his family. That way the in law doesn’t become the target for being the bad guy/ difficult person. Also people will forgive there siblings and children in the blink of an eye. An in law is much easier to hold a grudge with.
So you don’t need to say anything at all. Your partner needs to tell them that he said no, end of story.
We also go by this rule.
I deal with my family and he deals with his. And when he does deal with his family, he doesn’t use my name because it’s his decision too.
Get your partner to say “no I’m not comfortable with it” or “I don’t think that would work well with such and suchs schedule at the moment. Maybe in a couple of years when they are older” or something
I totally get it. I feel like I could have written this, I feel ya. So hard feeling like you’re letting them down but at the same time, you just can’t trust them and don’t feel like they are healthy people for your kids to be around alone. And that’s okay. You’re doing the right thing by holding them at a distance while still allowing a relationship with their family.
I agree with you. It is hard. Good luck 😊
What do they want to do with them? I wouldn't necessarily stop my kids from going. But I agree, your husband should be who they ask.
I think you should stop and think of the kids in this one ! Are they dangerous you say the children love them so unless their a threat what is the problem ?'i think it is taking it to a stretch by always being present but they are your kids and the honest thing would be to open up and tell the in-laws how you feel otherwise it's a bit like supervised visits which is a bit unfair on the kids if no harm is going to come to them ! You sound like your in victim mode maybe get some counselling for insecurity issues sounds like it's everyone else and your making excuses for your feelings towards tthem and the kids suffer in the process !
If you feel that bad about them then cut them out of your life and explain it to your kids if they were so toxic would they be even bothering with your kids ??? Sounds harsh but it does seem like your looking for acceptance for your own begrudgings and not taking your children's relationship with the in-laws in to account
I am thinking about the kids, which is why we still see them. I’m just not comfortable letting them out of my sight with them.
I’m not playing the victim and my kids are not suffering because of my issues. They are toxic, this is how I feel and I’m comfortable with that.
Thanks for taking the time to respond.
I don't allow my mum to have unsupervised access to my children, it's not because I believe she'd put them in physical danger or because I'm hanging on to any sort of victim mentality, it's for my kids emotional wellbeing!
I can't trust her to not say innapropriate things to my kids, I can't trust that she won't slag me (Or other family members) off to my kids and I can't trust that she won't play silly head games with them!
It doesn't have to be all or nothing, supervised visits are a good compromise, it's still allowing the kids to develop a relationship with the inlaws whilst protecting them from all the toxic behaviour as well. Cutting family off completely can be just as damaging to a child and it's not an easy thing to do!
OP. I'd just get hubby to explain it to his family, I think at this point the less you personally have to deal with them the better!
Omg!!!! I love you!!!! This is exactly what I was trying to say. This family is always slagging people off, or talking about weight loss don’t eat pasta you’ll get fat to my 8 Yr old. My kids are young and impressionable and if I’m around I can nip that in the bud or have a chat to them later about what was said. OP.
My relationship with my in-laws is extremely tense also. It became worse when hubby went through with depression and just couldn't talk or communicate to them. It ended up being me to say no. So that I could look after hubby wellbeing and stop having them push us around. It went down as well as a lead balloon. we were abused for weeks on end. We have been together for 12 years and it's taken that long for him to see how toxic they can be. I don't have any answers for your question you have to do what's right for your kids but just know your not alone with the toxic inlaws.
Original Poster here - thanks for your post.
Toxic behaviour is not always obvious. It’s little digs and little sneaky comments that can often be overlooked as ‘that’s just them’. Or ‘you’re too sensitive’ Honestly no! you never have to make exceptions for people if they treat you a certain way that’s uncomfortable. Not all
Of us are equipped to have an argument or confrontation about it - so we have to find our ways to deal with it, which compromising our own beliefs and emotions.
I hear you, and good luck to you with your own battles. 😘
I could have written this almost word for word, you’re not alone in this!
Just say no. Theyll stop offerring.
You also need to work on pleasing people. When its at a point where you'd rather give your kids up or cause yourself severe anxiety than day no to someone then its not healthy.
I hope so. 🤞
You are right about the anxiety, I have headaches for days before we have to see them. I will work on this.
Thanks 😘
You’re not alone.
I’m a people pleaser too, and like to be liked. I have been in a similar situation but I cut SIL and FIL out when my daughter was only 2months old. - she is now 5, and we have a son who is 3.
It has been hard as they believe it’s normal what they did /or have heard that’s just how dad is!
They (like yours) like to tell mutual friends and other family members lies.
Due to these lies it has basically cut out his whole side of the family, but not his mother.
It’s hard mentally as a people pleaser, but I can sleep at night happily knowing my children aren’t around them and their not normal ways.
I really don’t know how you would tell your children why you don’t see them anymore if you did cut them out. But carrying on the way it is isn’t right for you or the children.
Good luck and be strong.
Oh my lord this is my husbands family!!! To put it simply they are BULLIES!
I went through the exact same thing. Except it was my sister in law and my husbands Aunty. Worse years of my life. My husband and I were young (19) when we had our first and it was like they were expecting me to hand them over the baby because I was so young. The thing is I could actually take very good care of our daughter. They would talk bad about me to anyone who would listen which resulted in people I didn't even know hating me. My husband and I went on and had 4 children together and have been together 10 years much to their dissaproval.
It took a few years but my husband finally stood up to them and cut them out. We have nothing to do with his Aunty and very little with his sister. She has a child so we try and keep in contact to see our nephew. But we dont get into their bullshit and our kids are never left on their own. I think what your doing is the best thing. It took me a long time and now I simply say No if they ask to take my kids etc. I dont care if I am the bad one. They can whinge about me as much as they want as long as they leave my kids and husband alone.
I always pleased them but now I just dont care. Alot of people know what they are like so it doesn't bother me as much. Keep your head high, your familt close and dont show them any weakness especially between your husband and yourself.
You need to realise you are dealing with narcissits . learn to shield your energy from them. Go "grey rock" ( google it )
Just say no
You need to pop onto reddit and check out #justnomil and #justnofamily it sounds like you could gain some valuable information about how you are not the issue but they are