Imperfect mums, I feel I’m in a tough spot!
One of my dear friends had been in a very abusive relationship (which has thankfully ended). She has only briefly touched on her experience. It was / is a very big secret she has been keeping and all she has told me is that he hit her a few times.
I am also very close with her Mum who learnt of the abuse with the breakdown of that relationship. Her mum had informed me that he would take her phone and car keys so she had no way of contacting friends or family. He would beat her and he has raped her numerous times. From what I am told this had occurred during the relationship and after the breakdown of the relationship. He later tried to justify the last time (after the relationship had ended) with if she was to fall pregnant she wouldn’t leave him.
I feel extremely guilty I wasn’t there for her when she was going through this. I was living interstate at the time and had no idea or had any suspicion this was happening.
Fast forward to the present. I have moved back to my home town. She is now in another relationship and has a beautiful 4 month old baby.
I suspect she is in another abusive relationship however I don’t believe it to be physical.
Not once have i been around and he be in a ‘good mood’. Not once have I heard him compliment my friend or say thank you. I have been there when he has come home from work and he will sit in the car for 15 or 20 minuets before coming inside not to acknowledge my friend or their baby for another 10 minuets only to ask what’s for dinner. At times I have witnessed him withholding affection because she didn’t do what he wanted or to his standards (it it took her to long to turn a light off or Burning dinner because she is trying to do a million things while his playing his computer games).
From what I have seen he helps with Bub only when my friend pleads and is reaching breaking point. She has mentioned to me at night she will rush in for a feed if Bub begins to stir because he will get mad when woken at night because he ‘works full time and needs his sleep’. I suspect he is controlling the money and give her a minimal allowance to spend on food. quite often takes her car to work leaving her and Bub stuck at home (he sold his car before they got together and he just hasn’t worried about getting another).
Recently he has had to make an unexpected tip to visit a terminally ill family member. they could only afford one ticket so he has taken Bub on his own to meet this family member. Coincidentally the fist night away was the second night Bub has ever slept through the night. He has since been messaging my friend telling her he doesn’t know what she is doing wrong, implying she’s a bad Mum saying it’s not difficult to look after a baby and she should be able to at minimum have the house clean and dinner cooked.
My question is should I raise my concerns and let her know I’m here for her or Bub if they need ANYTHING or do I just stand by quietly and wait for time to run its course.
5 Replies
Hi there.
Sorry to hear your friend is going through this difficult situation. I am someone who has been in an abusive relationship and also the best friend to someone that is in an abusive relationship for a second time.
I absolutely think that you should approach her in a caring and loving way to acknowledge what she is experiencing is not ok. Often you are so manipulated by the abuser that you start to believe it is your fault.
I would also recommend telling her that you are there to support her no matter what - if she stays or if she wants help to leave. It’s unlikely she is ready to leave the relationship but knowing someone is there for her will help.
Honestly this could easily be first baby tension. Most parents struggle to adjust. Most men don't yet realise how exhausting kids are. It also sounds like money is tight so buying a second car would be foolish. Does she have a pram or wrap? She can go for a walk. Maybe just ask if he is OK explaining he seems grumpy and you're feeling protective since her last relationship.
Sounds exactly word for word like my husband was after my son was born. He was like this for about 5 months until a snapped and had a go at him for it. I just had to be assertive and put him in his place.
Should you straight up voice your suspicions about her partner being possibly abusive? Simply, no. This is just from your observations, from someone else's perspective they may see this relationship 100% differently and you can't know the dynamics of their relationship behind closed doors (it may be completely opposite to what you normally see, it might be worse - who knows!)
If you go to her and say "I think you're in another abusive relationship", she may feel humiliated and like she can't trust her own judgement, she may get defensive, it may drive her away from you or she may never open up to you again and do everything to portray her life as perfect (Which is what a lot of women in emotionally abusive relationships do). If her partner is indeed abusive or their relationship is toxic in some way, she needs to recognise this herself.
Does that mean you do nothing though? Of course not!
Just let her know you're there for her, maybe casually ask her "hey, you don't seem yourself lately, is something up? You know you can talk to me about anything yeah? If you every need any help, I've always got your back."
I know it's tempting to want to jump in and save your friend when you can see they're headed down the rabbits hole but sometimes you just have to wait it out and pick up the pieces.
Best of luck x
You should definitely reach out and let her know you are there for her. I was in abusive relationship for many years and it was horrible. Looking back, I probably would have left a lot earlier if I had someone to lean on when I couldn't be strong.