before reading on majority of what has been written here my mother always told me what happens in these four walls stay in these four walls then she wondered why I never spoke to anyone or only gave vague details. I incidentally became a bloody good at keeping things to myself. Surprisingly I am not a drinker or on drugs
No I am not seeking help I do not feel as though I need it I just need to write this down somewhere and keep going on with my life after reading this I know I will get a lot of comments like " You need to go see someone, get some help for yourself, you need this you need that" honestly I am just jumping in before anyone else and saying please do not bother I have sought counselling and therapy multiple times, although I have been diagnosed as depressed after my daughter was born I am honestly coping just fine I am strong not because I have to be
Hello ladies, so I have been thinking a lot about my life lately I am 30 years old and have been through some horrible crap all my life, never once spoke to anyone about it not my husband nor my mother siblings no one. people have told me all my life you never remember your child hood before you were 5 that any memory is just something that has been said in passing I honestly do not believe this.
When I was little, living on a farm with older siblings 3 of them found a book I was only 3/4 at the time this book should have not been in the house with children at all let alone sitting in the bookcase with the other books. It was a Kamasutra style with obviously explicit pictures, my siblings for god knows what reason got myself and another sibling to act out the parts in this book, now It is my understanding one of my uncles or a family friend was molesting at least one of those siblings around the same time.
flash forward a few years and my uncle has been jailed for molesting my brothers and others sweet justice, however my Dad died while this man was in jail I was 8 by this stage the uncle attended the funeral under police protection, at the time I had no idea why he had been sent to jail so was happy to see him.
About a year later my older sister started wanting to experiment no idea why I agreed but I did it went on for over a year. Shortly after this one of my brothers had started trying indecent acts in front of myself and my little sister, My little sister mentioned something to my mother at the time the boys were thrown into counselling I was offered some but did not find it helped at all.
When I was 13/14 one of my other brothers had a big tin of Milo he had purchased I happened to have been walking passed him while he was gulping it down with no milk and a big spoon he asked me if I wanted the rest of the tin I thought nothing of it then he said "You have to do something for me first" and started thrusting his hips I declined and left the room in disgust.
I was 17 when I had my daughter and only one of my brothers had shown progress in counselling taking on board everything he had learned especially since he became a dad himself shortly after I became a mum I kept my children away as much as possible from the brother who didn't show much progress at all ( Milo tin brother) he upped and moved states when he was 18. when he would come to visit everyone I tried my best to never be alone with him nor leave my children with him flash forward I was then in my 20's and he was buying Pandora jewellery for my daughter asking to take her out to movies, spoiling her with chocolate. I kept insisting to my mother to tell him to stop but she brushed it off she should have known these were all signs of grooming but since he had been involved in an accident around the age of 15 and had brain injuries she fobbed it off as he just is not all there in the head.
I was right to be concerned as my kids grew up a few years ago he had taken the grooming to the next level, my children are all now receiving help for their anxieties and any questions they may have.
I can not go into more detail about my brother with the Milo tin just yet but after Christmas I probably will. however I will say this I have no support anymore not from my mother my aunts or uncles I have been told my "family" has been spreading lies about me and how I have put in false accusations, I have spoken about my daughters trauma with some friends but not even they know about everything I had been through as a child they know my dad died while I was young and that is all.
So this is part of my story. Honestly I am okay I have not been suicidal and my kids keep me going hoping beyond hope they never go through more than they have to in a normal life, advocating for them at every turn even if it means the few people I put my trust in broke it and I have no one to talk to other than my husband even he has no idea about my childhood though. Sometimes I do miss my mother but knowing she is supporting my brother and not my child (even went as far to say my daughter made it all up, until police knocked on her door) I can not forgive her.
Merry Christmas everyone
xx
18 Replies
You've had a troubled past, hopefully writing all of this down helps x x
It actually does help. Thank you.
Ever read “The road less travelled” by Scott Peck? Maybe you should.
You say you don’t want help but as a mum of child sexual abuse victims you clearly need it and just haven’t had the right support. When your ready and you realise this will continue to break you down until it’s really dealt with then seek out someone very experienced in child sexual abuse.
I can 110% honestly say I do not need to talk to professionals. I also do not need to be told to go seek professionals. I saught help when I was pregnant with my youngest 6 years ago for something completely different and it helped literally just as much as my typing here. All up I have spoken to several different phycologists. Not to mention I am thr abuse victim my kids were groomed then taken to the next stage (test of trust is what I prefer to call it) before becoming the final stage. My daughter told me of the "test" and I put a stop to the children being near my brother and anyone else who believed him over my girl.
Why post here? If you are not in need of help why post here and risk the trigger for another person. Surely you realise the risk it is to another. If you are not in need of help. Write to yourself and burn it.
And as for your daughter, removing them from the situation is one thing but helping them deal with emotions around what has happened is another.
Oh I am so sorry, I did not realise we cant just come here to write something to get it out. instead of bottling it up. what is burning a letter to myself going to do? nothing. it does not show my story at all. My daughter has had the help more than I have ever received more support too. for a near on 13 year old I think I have done a great job with the fact she was able to confide in me when she needed to most.
What does coming on here do? You don’t want advice or any feedback. The only thing it achieves is you standing up behind an anonymous post and saying this happened to me. Meanwhile triggering numerous other woman who are struggling. Thanks.
Writing can be really cathartic actually, as can sharing ones trauma with others. I'd say that's what the OP was doing here, not deliberately trying to trigger people.
There's also a massive trigger warning here, a person who may be sensitive to such topics can quite easily scroll past, it's not fair to blame this lady for triggering people by telling her own story. On the other side of this, someone may read this and it could resonate with them, leading them to seek help.
People write in here all the time just to vent, they don't want advice or feedback either. Last time I checked that wasn't against the law!
It very clearly states trigger warning and you could have stopped reading at any time. Everyone has the right to post whatever it is they are needing to, that's what we are here for.
Maybe Just maybe this member wants some where to talk to, clearly she has no one else to turn to, I suppose you have a lot of other family and friends you can have a general whinge session with but not everyone does. This page is for those ladies as much as it is for anyone. stop being so nasty. A trigger warning was posted so stop with the whole " someone might get triggered and become upset" news flash your comments can do the exact same thing to this lady. Do not have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.
Sadly, male victims *typically *(not always) become perpetrators to process their own emotions and understand their trauma whereas female victims *typically * (not always) self harm if they can't process their trauma in more productive ways. Self harm can include behaviours that are risky such as underage sex, promiscuity, drug use, choosing abusive partners etc not just being suicidal or cutting. Your mum is probably still supporting him because he's her child and he's a victim too. I hope writing this down has helped and that you find a way to break the cycle so that it ends with your children and doesn't progress to their future kids.
That’s actually not true and rather insulting. Research shows that victims do NOT typically become perpetrators or self harm. What research does show is that neglecting to properly deal with emotions and hurt can prevent you from being able to form trusting relationships in the future.
I work in mental health for prison release. I'm quite well versed on the research available and it definitely does show this pattern.
Oh so you work with offenders and assume every victim becomes an offender. So glad we’ve got uneducated fools like you working in mental health in prisons. No wonder reoffending is so high.
Actually made it pretty clear that not everyone does. I'm just saying that where they do have such serious disfunction afterwards, men usually tend to direct it to another whilst women usually direct it to themselves. I've known the opposite to be true too. But stats suggesting 1 in 9 male victims going on to become perpetrators themselves are really scary and explain why family continue to defend them because they still view them as the victim.
I believe this too. abuse is quite a common factor for future perps. unfortunately she knew he would need extra help when he was younger, she not only ignored it because the initial counselling for him had been "completed" but then she went on into abusive relationships. Her current partner wanted to have a baby with her. no issue except she was no longer able to conceive when she started menopause, they asked me ( mind you my older sister is 4 years older than me I was 20 at the time) I said yes through IVF only he refused and wanted to do it the " natural way" they discussed this with each other before asking me so she knew all about his plans. I went and got the implant to protect myself.
huh?
Sometimes you need to just talk and write it out to get it out.
I too have a similar past as you. Large gap to me in the siblings though.
I cut contact with the abuser when my kids were young. My mum refused to want to know what happened to this day but my other siblings know and understand when I don’t turn up to family stuff. No one else in my family was abused. Just me. Think it was the age gap and it was easy for him. I also had a vastly different relationship too with my father compared (now deceased) to my siblings. I was young and my siblings all getting older and leaving home he was verbally abusive and I was scared for my safety so at 16 barely lived at home.
I’m doing fine, not depressed, no alcohol or drugs. Wish my other siblings could understand but if you don’t go through it you don’t get it, especially when your memory is of love and kindness.
I have struggled mostly with my worthiness. Why me? Etc.
Hope this helps