I have two children (boys) aged 7 and 9. Their father took his life a week ago. My children had not seen him in 12 months. My eldest child’s birthday is in a few days and then Christmas. I have decided to wait until after Christmas to tell them because there was no plans for them to see him. Can anyone help me with how to tell them? How do I explain suicide to my children?
25 Replies
Tell them Daddy was sick and he has passed on and is no longer with us. Tell them to remember him as they happy man that they remember and tell them he loved them very much. Tell them it isn't their fault make make sure to stress that because children often blame themselves for things they no control over. My uncle died when his kids were young, between 5 and 9, and the best thing for the kids was telling them the truth, in an age appropriate way and without lying, as someone will accidentally spill about what actually happened in some point in your kids lives and its better from the start that they know the truth.. I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you
When is his funeral? My great grandmother passed away when I was 7 and my dad said I wasn't allowed to go to her funeral. I was devastated. Funnily enough, it came up 2 days ago and I said that to this day, I wish he had have let me make the decision for myself and go. I'm 37. Denying them the opportunity to attend their dad's funeral may bite you in more ways than 1 if it manifests as grief that leads to mental health issues for them.
RE their dad, explain that he was sick and that he sadly passed away but that he was OK with that because he knew it would stop him from feeling so yuck.
His family blame me for his suicide and they won’t tell me when the funeral will be. I have mutual friends who will be attending but I dont think I’ll allow my children to go just in case any comments about me come up. I’m also torn about this decision but I could imagine them overhearing something about it being my fault.
Let them attend, it’s not about protecting yourself, if you know you have acted in the best interests of your children and treated your ex with dignity, you have nothing to worry about. The kids would know and would have seen how you acted anyway.
Please let them attend. Do you have someone you trust who would take them and make sure they're not around people who are speaking that way?
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this stress at this time of year. I had a family friend in the same situation, estranged ex killed him self.
She explained to her children (with the help of a counsellor) that their daddy was sick in the head and he had thoughts telling him to do bad things. And one of those bad things made him die. They were free to ask any questions and the counsellor aided the responses that the mum gave :)
Thank you
Christmas is the hardest time of the year to have without your children.
I think the longer you leave it the more they are going to resent that when they're older. You need to tell them asap. Imagine if someone you loved died and you weren't told for over a month, so in that time you had carried on with your life as normal when you should have been grieving. You were laughing when you should have been devastated. You weren't given the opportunity to say goodbye with the support of family and friends. What if they see someone who tells them that they're sorry for their loss and they have no idea? Think of your children and tell them. The only perfect time to tell them is now.
Just to add - My partners brother was killed in a car accident when he was 10. In amongst everyones devastation unfortunately his parents and family didn't tell him until the next day. He was at his friends. He still hurts now over how nobody picked him up and told him straight away. He hates that he was having a great time when he shouldn't have been. That was only one day and he still feels like that now 30 years later.
I wasn't allowed to go to my grandfather's funeral nor see him in his last hours, I was 14. At the time it made me angry but as an adult I ended up in aged care, the first time I saw an elderly resident at the end of life stage, barely even resembling a human being, I was completely overcome by an overwhelming sadness. In that moment I realised my mum was trying to protect me from those feelings. I finally understood.
So if you feel it's best for your children to wait and not let them go to the funeral, I am sure they will thank you, or at least come to accept that you did what you felt was best.
On the flip side, kids are remarkably resilient, they are capable of understanding the complexities of grief and death surprisingly well.
I think this opens up a dialogue about mental health, which I believe is very important when raising boys particularly. I wouldn't just say "daddy was sick and he died" it's too ambiguous, too simplistic. Children are very literal as well, I explained a death this way to my children. One of the fell ill with a cold not long after and they were convinced they would die. I though I was explaining it in a child friendly way, but I really just made them more confused.
So I would just try and be sensitive yet truthful without going into gory detail. Explain that it's ok to be sad and miss him, encourage them to ask you questions, tell them their dad is always with them in their hearts amd he loved them very much.
It's also a good opportunity to teach them that grief and sadness makes people do odd things, that sometimes people want someone to blame, sometimes they get angry or say mean things etc but no matter what, it is no ones fault.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this xx
I think the people saying to say he was sick mean it as the strategy to take, as an opener, of course to have more conversation and answer questions.
Yes, I did grasp that. However I feel a few of the suggestions kind of inferred that as to skip over any talk of mental health or suicide because it's an uncomfortable conversation to have.
That's just not the approach I would take, that's all!
You may have inferred wrong, but what you've explained is good advice.
You need to tell them sooner rather than later. They should have been told straight away. For those ages they are smart, they are not going to be happy with just 'Daddy was sick and died'. Age relevance and as honest as possible is - "Dad had depression (or insert relevant mental illness here) and this has made him believe that everyone he loves is better off without him, and he ended his own life. He didn't do it because he doesn't love you. His illness made his mind so sick that he thought he was doing everyone a favour." Explain depression and suicide to them. Don't ever think this is just something awkward you need to do and you won't have to deal with it again once you've told them, this will be huge for the rest of their lives. Expect them to be angry, sad, happy at any given moment. Pull photos out and reminisce the good times they had. They should also be seeing counselors or a psych to be able to freely talk about what they are going through. They will not feel comfortable discussing it with you.
Perfectly said, this exactly what I was getting at above but I think you articulated it better than I did!
Well said, how this is dealt with will determine the future well being of these kids.
How very, very sad for your kids. So many older men taking their own lives in this country, they are less likely to seek the help they need with family breakdown/loneliness like women, I think you need to tell your kids ASAP. You can’t hide something like this or defer it to a later date, it needs to be done. I feel for his family, Christmas will probably be tainted forever for them, I hope they find some peace along with your children. I think your kids need to attend the funeral with their relatives, without you as there is obviously some resentment there on their part.
Do you OP. People wont understand and people will judge and think they know best. You make the choice and you don't need to justify it to anyone. If the kids are not involved in the funeral and if you decide its best to tell after Christmas, I can totally understand that and in some cases, maybe yours, that would be the best thing to do.
Hi IM,
Please call the one member in his family or family circle that you like and trust and ask them to come over if there close and You need to sit them down and Tell them the truth ASAP.
What if it slips by accident and you didn’t tell them their dad died .
Be open and honest about suicide like the other mum said , about why.
Sadly with all the times it is happening now They will know what it means .
It feels like it everywhere , every other day .
You need to rely on your family
Village and tribe strength right now and people are about to gather share their amazing memories of the their dad at a funeral .
This is for the rest of their life and will have an affect regardless of when you choose to share this terrible news with your sons.
But I think holding back the news may come back to haunt you many years from now .
Your boys lost a dad, his parents lost a son,and I’m assuming you must have loved this man at one point
so you also lost someone too.
I’m sorry you need to to do this, and I’m sorry your going through this .
They need you now more than ever to put aside what ever the problems were between you and their dad and the family
They have one parent now and now more than ever their relying on your guidance and your relying on the support from your family Village and tribe to help your boys Florish from this life marker event.
This man died by his own hand,
This man hasn’t seen his boys in a year
His family was busy pulling apart everything about you
Way way before his suicide and you were the bitch way before his death .
That is is their asshole opinion you can’t control that and they will have that with or without you at the funeral .
But you can control what your do for your boys and how your their role model and your Doing the right thing by them regardless of others people opinions.
So fuck them .
IMPERFECT MUM UP and make a terrible thing as good as it can be .
Take them boys to their dads funeral and stand beside and them,
It’s not about what anyone else wants or needs it’s about them.
They need your mummy bear cougar strength right now.
If they don’t appear to holding a civil head leave at the end of the service .
But you might just be surprised at just how much they are glad them boys are their .
Ps mum .
I have no idea how much money you have.
But please do something magical to mark the beginning of 2019 in honour of the boys dads with them and make it a tradition for each year .
I liked the idea of Painting a memory Picutes of the memories you made and for the memories they wish he had seen for the year and put them in the garden .
May 2019 and beyond bring amazing things for your family
This is beautiful!
You need to be honest in an age appropriate way.
Explain to them that sometimes people get so sad that they feel there is no other option.
It's a good way to open up a dialogue about feelings and letting them know who they can go to if they need to talk.
Maybe use kids helpline.
Is it possible for another close adult to take them to the funeral. I can understand his family not wanting you there but it's important they get to say goodbye
I don't believe they need to know the details yet. You can explain it when they are older. If no one else would spill the beans. Suicide can really mess up a child. One of my exs was the one who found his father dead from suicide. If they are older I think they will process it alot better but at this age it might make them very angry and worry about you doing the same and being left alone. Just explain that their dad passed away due to being unwell.
Find a support group in your state.
Victoria has Support After Suicide.
They can and are willing to help you through this process.
General advice: keep it honest and developmentally appropriate.
My partner took his life and our little one has asked a few questions but nothing about the details thank goodness. However I will be honest when the time comes.
I currently have a friend going through this situation. She has used “he passed away from a broken heart”
I also regret not being told & allowed to go to my great grandmothers funeral. I was 7 at the time. I chose to let my kids at a young age go to their grandparents funerals because of this. The plan was to sit at the back of the church in the open viewing. Next thing you know my son was up there with his dad peeking in... that did give him plenty of questions & freak him out temporarily but he’s glad he did it. They’re pretty resilient really.