Not sure if it's a question or what... I'm 38 with 2 gorgeous kids. I have severe fertility issues so it took us years to have each of the children (10 years all up). We've always been careful when having sex but a few weeks ago, we got lax and after not having sex for a few weeks (both have been sick on and off), we had unprotected sex. I started to feel unwell a few days ago and something told me to take a pregnancy test. To my shock, its positive.
Mentally and physically I cannot have a baby this year. I suffered quite severe anxiety...and only have just started to recover my mental health. Financially, we are just getting back on track.
Plz send me your positive stories. How did you deal with guilt? We have friends who are desperate for children and I dont know how I could ever look at them again.
27 Replies
First of all, hugs. What a shock that must have been for you!
Second, put all thoughts of your friends or anyone struggling tp conceive out of your mind. The only people you need worry about or consider in this case are you, your husband and your kids.
Third, I get where you're coming from. I'm a "one and done" mum. I struggled terribly with my mental health after our daughter was born and for the sake of our family, we have chosen not to go ahead and have more kids, despite planning to do so initially. If I were to fall pregnant now, as awful as it sounds, I would be considering abortion also. We cannot afford for me to go downhill again, and probably we would not cope financially either. I can imagine how conflicted you must be feeling, especially after trying so hard to have kids.
I know this is a difficult decision for you. I just wanted you to know that I can empathise with you. Take care xxxxx
Thank you for your kind words. They are much appreciated xx
Okay before anyone comments you don't regret the kids you have only the ones you don't. They are wrong! I love my son and wouldn't change him for the world but for a long time I regretted having another child.
All that matters is you and your family, no one else's! I totally get how your feeling. The thought of falling pregnant alone makes me unbelievably anxious. I suffered badly with post natal depression and my other mental health issues were unmanageable both during and after pregnancy. Having an abortion would be my only course of action if it were me. I would do it for myself, my family and so as not to bring a child into this world under those circumstances.
Sending you love and hugs. Please don't feel bad mumma, so many of us would have a termination in your position xx
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate them xx
It’s a tough decision, I can relate. There is no way I could have a child at this time. It would be a disaster.
One thing you have to keep in mind is what ever you decide to do has to be best for your family, you having a baby, or not having a baby won’t change your friends situation. I don’t think your friend would want to watch you go through mental health issues and struggle with a child that’s not truly wanted.
Thank you... my mental health is just getting back on track after horrific few months. It was so rough and I guess I need to think of my babies right here, right now and what sort of mum they need over the next 18-24 months.
I completely understand where your coming from! And would consider the same I. The same situation. 37 2 gorgeous healthy children. Financially a 3rd would mean saying no more to my current children. A bigger vehicle, a squishy home life. I just feel so blessed, at this stage I would abort if I were to fall pregnant, if I was 5 years younger I may not but now. I’m content and content!
Thank you for your understanding. We would have to sell our house as there will be simply no room, even with kids sharing. I don't want to dig ourselves into financial mess, stress about money, childcare costs, my career etc.
I think you should take time to really think it through. Initially it’s a shock, I wouldn’t make any decisions yet. Sending you big hugs xx
Thank you... we've made our difficult decision and for my mental and physical wellbeing, for my babies that I put to bed each night, I have to do what's best for us.
I understand it’s not an easy decision, but it’s whats best for you and your family. It will all be okay, I have heard it’s best to have a surgical one. Sending lots of love xx
I’m going to go against the grain here, think About that life you are carrying, that life didn’t ask to be conceived please think about the pain it would feel if it was aborted, carry the baby to term and if in the first month you feel you can’t handle another baby please put them up for adoption or eve kinship (if there is a family member that would take the baby) there are plenty of people out there who would love to have a baby but can’t.
I believe that once that baby is here things will get better for you and all the feel good hormones from cuddles with your baby will help.
I have spoken with many women who had a abortion and regretted it, the guilt of killing their baby, the pain of loss, having the abortion would only make your mental health worse I believe.
Take some time to see what the abortion procedure is (depending on your gestation) it is more than just a few pills, it’s a needle to the heart and then they are torn apart by an abortionist trying to get your baby out
It'd be a clump of cells by the sounds of gestation. Nothing more than that. Why should a mother sacrifice her mental and physical health? What if the baby comes along and she spirals into deep depression? PND? Suicidal? Its not always happy hormones. Have you not heard of postnatal psychosis. If the woman is stating they have made their choice and asking for support, then give it to her or keep scrolling.
Qualified medical professionals perform the procedure. "Abortionist" is a term pro-lifers like to throw around.
So idealistic and ignorant 🙄
If cuddles with a baby just magically makes everything good and releases all the 'happy hormones' no one would suffer post natal depression.
Things like finances, logistics, mental health, careers - a new baby doesn't just make these issues go away, in fact a new baby often exacerbates them.
And adoption, kinship care? Given how difficult and expensive the adoption process is in this country at least, that child will likely be bounced around foster cares for at least a good portion of time. Then there's the issue of explaining to the other kids where their sibling is going and why. And asking a relative to take guardianship of a child is a huge ask.
You're right about one thing, babies don't ask to be conceived but they also don't ask to be born. It is not fair to bring an child into the world you cannot love and care for, it is not fair to expect a woman to bring a child I to the world out of guilt.
OP, I sense you are already leaning towards a decision. You do what you need to do. Don't let anyone's opinions sway your choice because they don't need to live with it.
Sending love Xx
Fuck off!
Please be kind to yourself.
Do what is best for YOU.
Sending oodles of love. I know this is not an easy decision to make. There is no right or wrong choice.
get couselling, it will help with the guilt.
I have had 3 (emotionally abused in different relationships). But I can now confidently say that I am glad that I had the abortions.
I have one beautiful boy from the best relationship ever.
This happened to me a few years ago... I had an abortion and for 12 months the guilt was unbearable (sorry but its true).
I still have guilt about it now - usually around my due date - or the date I had the procedure.
At some point, I just had to forgive myself and realise I did what I thought was the right thing for my entire family at the time.
Its not a pleasant thing to go through, do what you think is rightfor you & your family.
Big hugs, either way its a tough decision.
I had terminations when I was younger, in between my two kids to my ex. I had 3 to be exact. Yes, I was irresponsible (I don't do well with the pill and remembering to take it, and I was young and stupid and didn't like condoms). Then when I was with my new partner, I had fertility issues when we very much wanted a baby. I had two miscarriages. A voice in my head kept telling me I should feel guilty, that this was my karma... but I didn't feel guilty. I did what was best at the time and I was 100% confident in my choices. Someone else's fertility issues are not connected to your choice whether to continue a pregnancy or not. Do what's right for you and your family, not what you feel is the "right thing" in general. Xx
I’m sorry you are finding this hard.
I’m a unplanned and very large gap baby and I myself had the same unplanned large gap surprise baby.
Everyone is saying to you to get the abortion for your mental health. But they fail to think of the negative mental health it will bring. So much guilt and depression.
You have other options too. Adoption if you can’t afford too or to mentally bring up another baby.
But seriously you need to talk to more people, not just the ones you think will give you the answer you want to hear.
Sometimes the blessings this child will bring aren’t seen until you are further down the track of life and can look back like I can now.
Get counselling. Oh and book hubs in for the snip 😉
I had one last yr and similar situation have 2 kids which took forever to get partner lost his job I was sick and we all had the flu didn't think anything of it then someone said I looked glowing like I did the yr before I was shocked n joking took a test positive had date scans done as I never often get periods it was hard to make the calls and book the appointment because I kind of would like another but I no $ wise and with a 1yr old my 9yr old would miss out I'd have no time ect I do often think what if but deep down I know I wouldn't have been able to provide fairly for them all
I found myself in the same situation two years ago at the same age you are now and I ended the pregnancy....I still fell sadness about having to make that hard decision but it was needed as my mental health would not survive another pregnancy. Make sure you have support as even if you are completely decided there is still a real grieving process and time does heal this. 💕
God gave you a blessing inna child take that blessing there’s people like myself who can’t have kids abortion is selfish and murder
God gave you a blessing inna child take that blessing there’s people like myself who can’t have kids abortion is selfish and murder
You need to do what's best for you and your family...
I've had 2 terminations (one in a dv relationship, one in a very low time) and have 3 children... I do NOT regret the ones I didn't have, because that was what was right for ME...
You don't have to tell anyone what is happening, and you don't need to do things because other people can't... I find it atrocious that people pull that card...
Look after yourself.
Sending love 💕