hi ladies
I have found myself stuck in the rut of asking my husband permission to do things, this of course leads him to answer in the general yes or no way. however it has also gained traction and led to many arguments where i have argued against my need to "ask permission like a child" and him not understanding the difference between consulting your partner out of respect and asking permission for things.
so it has me thinking, what is a better way to frame questions that do not open the space for him to give me "permission" but instead opens the space for a discussion around my plans.
when he wants to do something he asks if i have plans that day etc and then goes on to tell me what he is doing or wants to do whereas i find myself asking if its ok, can he have the kids etc
so can anybody shine some light on more productive ways of having these conversations?
10 Replies
Do what he does? Instead of asking for permission, just say "There's this thing on x day at x time and I'm planning on going. Did you have plans for that day?" If no, "Awesome. I'll be leaving the house at x time and back around x time." If yes, then, "Ok, is there a way that we can work it so we can both do our thing? Or can you go do your thing this time and I do mine next time?"
You actually say hey I am doing this such and such and if it fits in after I have done all the stuff I usually do unnoticed I am going lol ! .. do not put the foot in his mouth!! Just no
This is happening on blah date. Did you want to see if x can have the kids for both of us to go, or should I just rsvp for me? Or he says I'm doing blah on blah date,... You reply with 'no worries, I've got x on y date' so that works out well, we won't need a sitter for either event.
I usually start of by saying “I’m thinking”...
So, I’m thinking I’m going to do XYZ tomorrow while you’re home so you’ll be here with the kids, then afterwards we can do ABC together.
Then he can have his input but I’m not asking for permission, I’m kinda just telling him what’s happening.
Of course if he already had/has plans, we negotiate
Still sounds submissive
Oh my god we had this with money! We put my wage aside and try to live off his, if I needed a little more for something I’d have to ask so he could transfer it to me, he’d ask why, and I HATED having to explain myself, I felt like a child asking for money for lollies! We fixed this by moving accounts around at the bank.
Anyway if your partner is in any way reasonable you should tell him you’re working on your assertiveness. And then go and do just that! Not just with telling him what you want but if you’re anything like me there will be other areas of your life too.
If he is unreasonable - you deserve better and you should work on your assertiveness anyway!
We literally have a calendar. We write what we're doing on that. So it's not asking but just being aware. Like "I'm going out with such and such for dinner this night." And for him he might be going fishing or something with his friends.
If the calender looks too full then we pair it back by having a discussion. Like "okay this is silly, I'll reschedule that, and you reschedule this"
Not asking but working as a team. The calender is a visual reminder that the conversation happened!!! Works well for us.
We both have Google calendar on our phones. I have my calendar sync'd to his calendar and he has his sync'd to my calendar. If there is a potential clash we'll discuss it, if it's not in the calendar, there's slim to no chance it's going to happen, especially if we are subsequently double booked. It's more telling hubby I have something to attend rather than asking if I can go (unless I'm asking him to watch the kids while I go.)
SAME! We can consult the family calendar and hubbies shift roster - if it’s not in the calendar, it’s not booked. Makes it really simple to see any clashes and work with each other without “asking for permission”
So you ask him to watch his own kids?
Wtf people! Let’s aim for 50/50 parenting and none of this stale antiquated bull shut any longer.
And judging by the comments by young women on this page, we’ve got a bloody long way to go.