So, I’ve been seeing this guy for almost a year and I think it’s time I finally introduce him to my kids etc.
I don’t know how to go about it. I’ve spoken to my children’s father about what’s going on and how I think it’s time my new partner be introduced to our kids and he understands and is accepting, but as to how to approach the situation I’m at a loss.
I was thinking just going for lunch like “oh this is mummies friend who’s joining us” and keeping it super platonic, or having him over for dinner like “oh my friends coming over for dinner tonight” but then would that be too forward even if we kept it at a friendship like level etc? My new partner and I are both very conscious of keeping the kids comfortable and not wanting to thrust anything too much onto them, and we have been talking about how to introduce the matter for some time but it’s just hard to know what the right approach is.
Any advice would be so much appreciated.
9 Replies
First things first. How serious is the new relationship?
Like, are you guys starting to discuss the future together or is it still fairly casual?
If it's the latter, don't feel you need to rush in and introduce him just because it's been a year, just keep doing what you're doing to see if it progresses.
If it is quite serious and you're wanting to move forward with your relationship, it's definitely time.
I had many girlfriends/boyfriend's come and go as a kid so I give this advice from a kids perspective.
Don't introduce him as your friend, I got that so many times. It's insulting to a kid's intelligence. It's like, I know old Jim over here isn't just your friend, you've been looking at each the other like love sick puppies 🤣
Discuss it with them before you introduce him (There's nothing worse than having new boyfriend's sprung on you), explain that you've been going on dates with a really nice man and that you like him very much, now you'd like them all to meet and get to know one another.
Maybe involve them in this process, they might feel more comfortable meeting him in a public place first. It can be a bit overwhelming having new people come into your home as a child.
Juat be honest and open, kids appreciate that. Also, encourage them to ask questions!
Are you just friends though? Are you even in a serious relationship and is he your "partner" as the way you write, he isn't. If he isn't, I don't think it's the right time to introduce him.
I wouldn't fib and say he's your friend, as you're not wanting to introduce him because he's your "friend". I would tell them straight up that he is a man that you have been seeing and that you really really like him. And you hope that they can really really like him also. Ask them if they have any questions (depending on age they might ask the whole do you guys kiss, do you hug questions, or go completely opposite and ask what hair colour he has haha). Explain how you once really really liked their dad and you're having similar feelings with this man. He isn't coming in to replace dad, but he would like to meet them and get to know them and that is something that will make you really happy. Ask if they are okay with this and let them have some input.
When he first meets them, I wouldn't really encourage a lot of physical touching in front of the kids, maybe a kiss on the cheek but no holding hands just yet unless you're really serious about this.
Plan an activity, either dinner lunch or a beach walk, so it's timed and they can interact. Yes be friends and keep it light, but it's ok to kiss or show affection in small doses, as long as it's respectful it's good for children to see mum being treated well.
Slowly increase the visits and drop ins until it's a regular thing. At this time, he is a friend of yours and nothing more to the children.
I (stepmum) was introduced to my hubby’s kids about a year in. We both decided beforehand that we were both serious and committed, and if either of us wasn’t the intro wouldn’t proceed. He talked about me to them beforehand and referred to me as his friend, however on physical introduction he said I was a partner (not married then). Looking back for us that was the best way, as being spoken about as a friend first got them a bit more used to the idea, it felt like we didn’t force our relationship on them, it allowed them to be eased into it.
The intro we did at a park, very light hearted nothing deep or meaningful, just having a play with them. We went to an ice cream parlour after from memory. Overall it was just a fun day out. Just don’t force the relationship between your new half and your kids - let them find their own bond. Also I would say don’t ignore any questions your kids have - answer them truthfully (but age appropriately)
You’ve done well to get to a year in. All my friends introduced their kids to new partners basically right away. So it’s great that you’re both really thinking about how this will affect the kids.
I probably wouldn’t do a lunch. I’d maybe do a park/coffee date or an activity like someone mentioned. Then the kids (depending on ages) can run off and play if they sense any awkwardness or just to break the change up.
Then keep it low key after that. Just have him around them once a week for a while.
I was so impressed that they’ve waited a year before considering introducing the kids! My ex has always introduced our kids virtually as soon as he starts seeing someone new, and the women usually have at least one kid of her own. I just don’t get it!
I agree with keeping the first meeting low key. And in a public place. Keep communication open between you and the kids. If the kids aren’t comfortable for whatever reason, keep interactions low key and away from home. Home is their safe place so best to have no sleepovers until they are comfortable with your partner.
My first question is how old are your kids? You wouldn't approach it thr ssme way wirh a 5yo as you would with a 13yo.
There are a lot of other q's too.
How do the children feel about your separation?
Has your ex moved on and introduced a new gf?
I would consider all of these things before going ahead. Really assess it and then respond with something age appropriate
Kids are a hell of a lot more resilient than you think! In my situation it was a playdate with our kids then it was a takeaway and movie night a couple days later and by then it was just assumed so didn’t have to have any conversation (my kids were 11, 7 and 5, his was 3) my previous relationship we dated for 6 months before any introduction and it was a disaster as he didn’t know how to be with ‘mum me’ so that only lasted a few months