Ive been separated from my husband for 8 months due to his mental health. He lives nearby and the kids see him regularly and I still care about him very much. In the past week his depression has again spiraled down hill and I have been receiving messages threatening suicide. I have stood by his side and helped him get counselling, medication, etc etc, supported him financially, and been a good friend but I am exhausted. I have 5 children and am at breaking point myself. We live 2 hours from our nearest family.
After not being able to contact him yesterday for several hours after more suicidal text messages I contacted his father (who also had not heard from him) and expressed my concern. During the night I have received a very long text message with more “I don’t want to live statements”. I contacted his father today to let him know and he has responded “yeah he’s just a bit down in the dumps and needs some alone time”. I was furious and tried to explain the messages I have received (can’t forward as he does not have a mobile). He just kept saying his son is under a lot of pressure and he doesn’t know how he can help. Apparently it’s too hard!! I’m so angry I feel like his family doesn’t want to know, it’s just too hard. There is one Aunty I am close to that I am tempted to forward the messages to in hope that she might realise the gravity of what is happening and talk to her brother. Do you think I should send it?
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9 Replies
Honestly?
Every time you get a message that leaves you genuinely concerned for his safety then call the police and report it.
They will go and check on him. It will do one of two things.
1) they will take him to hospital and get him the help he needs if they truly believe he is a danger to himself
2) if he is not genuinely suicidal and doing this as an attention seeking/way to manipulate you then he will soon learn that texting you means he has an awkward conversation with the police and will soon stop.
I get that you want to help him but it is not your responsibility and it is not the responsibility of his family members. Speaking as someone who suffers with mental illness, it is only our own job to look after our mental health. He knows what he should do, he is choosing not to. Don’t enable him by jumping in whenever he texts you. I know it’s scary but there are processes and authorities who are better able to help him than you can.
Thank you. I have sought advice from Beyond Blue today as well who said the same thing. Really appreciate advice from someone suffering.
I just feel really alone in this and wish his parent would share some of the burden.
No worries.
I get that you want his parent/family to step up and take him off your hands so you dont feel the weight of this solely on your own. But it’s not their burden. They shouldn’t take this on as it’s too much.
It’s not your burden either. Instead of trying to co-opt others into carrying this burden that is not yours to carry, you need to try and set yourself free from the guilt/fixer mentality and step back. I’m not saying cut him off but protect yourself and set boundaries of what you can cope with.That may be limiting phone calls and texts, or answering every “depressed” text with the link to beyond blue or black dog institute.
I know you have a lot on your plate but I would encourage you to get some individual counseling to help you cope and step back. He is an adult. He can make his own choices.
That’s an excellent idea. I will start responding that way to the text.
I have made appointments with my support too.
I hope you got some help for yourself from them too and have rung the police and let them know about the texts!
As hard and cold as it sounds you have your own life to handle, who is there to take care of you and your kids. Who is there for you when you are feeling down and are at breaking point. You need to get tough and cut the ties with him now. It’s not upto you to guard him 24/7 I know you feel it’s your job to protect him but it’s not, it’s impossible and you can’t. He has to help himself. He knows where to find. The help. It sounds like he is using this to guilt you. You need to think about you and your health and your kids. The rest is up to him. Don’t reply to his msgs he knows you are there for him obviously. If he chooses that path to find peace. It’s not on you, that’s on him. Please don’t feel guilty.
Also these days if you don’t reply and call 000 with your concerns they will send someone there to check and admit him. He will soon stop it if he chooses not to get the help. he can’t keep threatening you. It’s putting guilt on you.report it if you honestly believe he is in grave danger.
Yes, been through similar with an ex and now realise it was emotional blackmail and all to get attention and me worried and my focus and energy on him. Most people who commit suicide don't talk about it. They just do it. Call the police and let them deal with it. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, for the love of your children.
Yes send the messages to his Aunty and other family members.
Tell them this is an on going issue and you want other people to offer support and understanding to him and tell them that you can no longer carry the emotional toll of these messages and fear for his mental health alone.
Whether they do something or not, you will know you alerted them to his mental state and god forbid he does commit suicide then they would have been forewarned.
Everytime you get a message - call the police and let them know. They should go around there to check on him.
You can not take this on alone and honestly he needs help, help that you can't give. He needs a professional.