I have five children four boys and one girl.Aging from 16 to 1.My eldest three boys are from my marriage(divorced).
My 16 year old has suddenly developed what comes across as an intense dislike for my partner and father of my two youngest.
He will stay shut up in his room not even really coming out for meals,if my partner is in the house.Totally ignores my partner etc.
He has mentioned in passing that he doesn’t really like him.And refuses to be in the house if he is here when it’s his birthday soon.
My son and partner have got along well previously and I am very confident nothing untoward has happened as I am always around and I never leave my other children with my partner.Not even to go shopping.
My son won’t really talk to me but has opened up to family telling him the things I have mentioned(basically I found out)
He told them that no violence occurred it’s just he doesn’t like him and doesn’t feel comfortable when he’s here or that he can talk to me privately as there are always people around.
I feel caught in the middle as if I have to choose one child,my 16 yr old and his mental health as I know it’s not healthy staying locked up in a room and not even going to school,sleepyall the time etc..over my two youngest in terms of them spending time with their father.
I have took my son to the drs also as he has been unwell the past week but as soon as my partner isn’t here,comes out of his room and sits in front of the tv playing video games.
Any ideas and advice to move forward in a positive manner?
We don’t live together right now due to his work commitments but are looking to do so soon.
How do I handle blending my family and taking everyone’s feelyand thoughts into consideration?
5 Replies
Just leave it as be. Especially since you don’t live with him. He doesn’t have to like his step father. The more you force him to try and “like” him the more he will dig heels in.
Not everyone is going to get along. If he wants to spend that time in his room, that’s his choice. And it’s not like your partner lives with you, so there are times when your son doesn’t have to be locked away.
I went through this as a teen and the more my mum forced me to “accept” things, or like him... the worse it got
You make time for your 16year old when your partner is around. I can imagine that the entire energy of the house changes and your focus switches a bit when your partner is there.
Please don’t disregard such a drastic change as “typical” teenage stuff!
Start spending regular 1-1 time with your son, away from everyone else. Don’t force the conversation. Allow him to feel safe, and over time, as you’re driving, walking, gardening, cleaning together, he will open up.
Are you prepared for the truth? Are you prepared to end this relationship?
I highly value the intuitiveness of my kids and my animals. They instinctively know good Vs bad, just because they can’t tell you doesn’t mean it’s not true
And yes, I will always put my children’s needs above any man, including their father (my now ex husband)
Why don’t you let the other kids be alone with your partner? I have a 15 yo. My partner is not his biological father, we moved in together when my son was 9. My partner is a very kind man, even so it took them a few years to bond. They are now great friends and my son calls him his step dad. I just think it takes a lot of time and patience. I have a step daughter who was a total terror during her teen years. I think the non biological parent should just be supportive of the family and not judge. Just be there for them.
You can't force him to like him but you can work on your child being tolerant of your partner. I would talk to your son and say that it's okay to not like someone (acknowledge his feelings), you're not bad and you just want to help find a way that everyone can get along without the tension.
I also agree with other comments about spending 1 on 1 time with him. I know you have other children so it is hard but if they like your partner and your comfortable with it get him to take the other children out for the day and you spend time with your son, play video games with him, or just watch when he does and be involved.
It could be that he has realised that you are serious about this guy, until this point he has been the man of the house and now a grown up man is coming in and the dynamic has changed.
Talk, support and good luck