I desperately need advice. 11 years ago I got pregnant with my daughter and the man i was seeing wanted nothing to do with the baby or me, I never heard from him again. I moved on and the man I was with took on my daughter as his own from birth (we also had a son together) He is an amazing Dad and even though were not together anymore we share 50/50 custody with both children. My daughter is a sensitive soul, she knows that her dad is not her biological dad (as parents we decided she should know the truth). My problem now begins with a phone call I recieved last night from her biological dad, I have no idea how he found me. He wants to talk about his daughter, he's going to ring me to talk properly on Friday and i agreed to have a chat with him. I'm feeling very uneasy about this, I have so many questions for him, but what do I do if he wants to meet her? I don't want to turn her world upside down, I don't want to change anything with her Dad who loves and cares about her. What would others do? Has anyone else been in this situation? Any advice would be greatful. Thanks.
10 Replies
This guy is a stranger now, to you and your daughter. Do not agree to anything until you have had a chance to really think about it. He can't force you to hand her over to him if that is his plan! He really can't.
If he wants to be in her life this would be something that should be taking so slowly and only if your daughter wants to meet him.
I would say, you have had 11 years to want to meet her. I am not turning her life upside down because you have the guilts all of a sudden after 11 YEARS!
And hang up.
Ok that might be bad advice when it comes down to "a childs right to have both parents in their life" bla bla bla....but its just so damn hard to understand how someone can disown a child for 11 years! It pains me.
Maybe ask your daughter hypothetically if she ever thinks about wanting to meet her biological father and if she says yes, you have some big decisions to make but nit before finding out who this guy is now, is he a safe person etc...
I think regardless, it should be a slow process and if he does meet her, it’s not going to be tomorrow.
With technology these days, he can message her via whatever platform you prefer. Or you can email back and forth, for/with her for a few months and see where that takes them.
She knows about him and she probably has some kind of curiosity about him so I wouldn’t deny her contact completely. Yeah it’s shit that he has waited all these years, but that’s how it’s happened and I think I’d rather play it safe and be honest with her about his contact, rather then her having any resentment towards you down the track.
She’ll know, he never bothered for 11 years, then he contacted and whatever comes of it will be history.
I know family memebers who haven’t had contact with their father, and although they don’t want a “relationship” as such, it’s still always been a curiosity for them. To see where they come from, and just to meet them. My brother met his father when he was 15, once, and that was it. They don’t really keep in contact now, but it was something my brother felt he needed.. and he is so glad my mum never denied him (even though he is older then your daughter. I know his father had tried contact earlier which my mum had denied)..
I’d be honestly questioning his motives. What’s going on in his life that he now needs this connection.
I really feel for you! I would be open and honest with your daughter but let her know in no uncertain terms that if she decides she doesn’t want to see him that you put yourself as the bad guy! Children often do things they are not comfortable with for fear of hurting others feelings... so let her know you have her back. He has had 11 years to consider his daughters feelings and as much as he was selfish for not being in her life I feel like it is also super selfish for him to come back now!!
Make him work for it!
I don’t mean be nasty, but he needs to understand that this could crush your daughter if he takes off and doesn’t follow through so he needs to prove he is serious.
Tell him if he is serious he will book and pay for mediation. He will attend mediation and agree to a very very slow gradual introduction that suits your daughter, in a way that makes her feel safe and comfortable.
When he has booked mediation you are happy to discuss the schedule and your daughters needs in mediation, however he needs to be prepared to understand that this something his daughter may not want now.
My husband found out he had a half sister when he was 10 (she was 13). She only got 5 years to spend with him before he passed away and the only person she still has anger towards 25 years later is her mum for making them having contact hard. Let them meet. Introduce him the way you would anyone. But let him know that as she's now 11, you aren't open to him having overnight care (ever) unless she wants it. He needs to build a relationship with her first and can do that in the way a friend /uncle would.
This would depend on how your daughter views the situation. If he has never been there and she was lucky enough to have a father figure in her life then chances are she can take this really well, even if he meets her and disappears again. The mystery of who he is will be gone which will actually help her through the teenage years when kids wonder most about estranged parents and who the other half of them is. You don't want her to grow up and find out you kept her from her Dad when he tried to meet her, that could be really damaging to your relationship with her and I know of siblings who have cut family from their life for exactly this. Be sensible about it, talk openly and honestly with your daughter don't feel as though you need to remind her that he didn't want her but tell her people change and you have the opportunity to meet your bio Dad if you want to?
I’ve been in this position . Bio dad wanted nothing to do with my child except to occasionally visit once a year or so out of curiosity. Never paid child support , never wanted anything to do with him . Then one day almost 15 years later he came back with a vengeance he and his wife pushing for 50/50 contact . In the best interests of my child I gave it to them ( meanwhile my child has another dad for those 15 years as my partner and I were married when my child was only three months old ) .
So, I gave the bio dad and his wife the access that they wanted . It was extremely disruptive, no child support was still being paid . I did this for my child’s best interests as he wanted it too . This lasted about 6-8 months . And one day , bio dad just didn’t show up . This was two years ago and we haven’t seen or heard from him since .
At least I can say I tried for my child’s best interests to know the other parent . You could do this too, because I’ll almost guarantee you , he’ll fuck up too . And that’s when you can also say , at least you tried .
And unless , in my case , it’s court ordered or once my child turns 18 , he will NEVER get that chance again .
Tread careful and suss our his true intentions. Remember he isn’t the same person that he was back then and he may have lived the past 11 years with regret & guilt. Speak to him, give him the opportunity but don’t denie him this if he seems suitable. If he is reaching out for the right reasons which he probably is. Then he may be a good thing. He has prob regretted it ever since. Give him the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure if he wants what is best for her then he will repesct your wishes. Stalk him on Facebook, find out as much info to what he is upto now. Ask him open and honestly. Speak the. Truth to him. She deserves to know him when you feel the time is right but until then just keep her guarded and take it slowly. 11 years has given him time to mature. He probably has other kids or maybe he has none. Find out his story but don’t be too harsh. Yes it would have been had for you at the time but maybe it wasn’t easy for him either. Good luck with it hope it works out well
Laws (at least in my state) say that a child has a right to know their biological family.
It's not up to you. It's up to your daughter.