URGENT! Warning, distressing content
Hey sisterhood I need to ask your advice on what you would do in this situation. About near a year ago my partners brother had a warrant out for his arrest (and to confiscate and search the family home they where all living in) for watching underage pornography. My partners brother (let's call him "D") hasn't told us whether hes been cleared or convicted. We all dont know a damn thing. I've rang every government establishment I know to try and get the case info and any court documents i can to see what's happened but i cant access them. I've even rang police and freedom of info. No help there.
My question is, D has access to small children within the family who visit regularly. Ds cousin has 2 small kids and I also have a 6 year old son. There are only 3 people who know about what's happened and that includes myself, partner, and partners other brother "L". Their own sister doesnt even know and to make it worse she's going through IVF to try and have kids now! So more access to children!! No one else in the family knows!!
There is to be a big family dinner this weekend and these small children will be there and I'm suppose to be going but I'm extremely hesitant and anxious about it.
I feel so torn on what to do. Does my partner and D himself have a responsibility to tell the people in the family, particularly the ones with kids, that hes been charged with watching child porn? Do I have a responsibility to tell anyone? I keep thinking to myself if I knew, and something happened to these poor babies at any time, I'd feel responsible. Its be my fault for not warning his sister and their cousin. Should I do it? I know if I did it would cause massive family rifts and itd tear the family apart and me and my partner would break up over it (as he is defensive of his brother about it)
A couple years ago a GF was living with me with her 6 year old daughter and I was doing her washing one day. I saw her daughters underwear had small blood stains on it and I knew instantly she was being tampered with. Yet I said nothing for fear of reproach from my GF. Turned out my GF older brother had been doing it for years and was caught red handed. But again. I had a massive suspicion and I never said a word :(
What do I do? Do I warn these people? I'm so torn and the consequences of me telling them are dire. I know for a fact it's going to come back at me. I know I'll be demonized for doing it. But if it protects those babies... itll be worth it... what can I do? :(
22 Replies
Your partner sounds like an absolute dickhead for not taking this more seriously and caring more about his children being effected my this (let alone other family members).
Personally, I'd be running for the hills. He's practically condoning it! I couldn't be with someone who is defensive of their sibling about something so serious.
That didnt really answer my question. Should I tell his family or not?
Yes, but be prepared for all repercussions and if he was cleared, possibly being sued for defamation. I would want to know, mother to mother all relations out of it
I would be saying something. But I'd also be saying you aren't sure whether the charges have been cleared or not, but you feel given the sensitive subject matter ou thought it should be aired.
Just be prepared for backlash.
I’d be telling him (your partners brother) that if he doesn’t tell them you will. If you do decide to tell them make sure you have plans in place to deal with the aftermath. I think you need to call it quits with your partner. If he is more interested in protecting his brother then children, that’s a red flag.
Call parentline. It’s a help line they may be able to guide u. In all honesty the health and well being of children should take priority over upsetting adults. ask yourself if something was to happen or happening can you live with that on your conscience?
You knew something was wrong and you did nothing and then continue to do nothing. You need to act you can't just sit around wondering and asking people online what to do. Just do it. If you see blood on a little girls underwear you bring it up and suggest she been seen by a doctor because bleeding at that age is abnormal. You wouldn't need to mention that she may have been abused the doctor would find that out
If I see blood on a baby's knickers damn right I'm telling people. Im telling everyone until she's seen by someone and heard.
You need to do some serious thinking about why you prefer to be quiet than to speak up.
Tell them if you feel compelled but you need to be really careful in how you do so and what you say.
At this point, he's only accused of such crimes. Bear in mind you actually know very little reregarding all this and also bear in mind that people may know more than you're aware of or more than they want you to know!
My honest advice though: get as far away from these people as you can, your priority is your 6 year old's safety and you've got yourself involved with a family that seemingly is intent on burrying potential sex offenses.
I would also look at the types of people you're associating with and your own moral code.
2 years ago you essentially knew your mates kid was being sexually abused but you did nothing, history is in a way repeating itself again now.
Stop being a bystander and stop wasting your time with these people who don't deserve your loyalty!
No way in hell I’d be hanging out and playing happy families with anyone who was accused of watching child pornography! Let alone exposing my child to them!
Usually where there is smoke there is fire.. charges arnt generally brought about on a whim!
Burn bridges tell who you need to. My children will always come before my husband and anyone in his family that is a predator!
Don't make the same mistake again.
When it comes to children, always be safe and protect and let people prove their innocence.
I’d probably tell my husband that he needs to tell. If he can’t, then tell him you’re afraid you’re going to have to tell because this is children’s livelihood and wellbeing at risk.
Tell them or risk it happening to another child - really that’s a hard decision?? Fuck I hope it’s not your child it happens to because you were too worried about coping flack.
Just to clarify myself with people asking me why I didnt tell my friend about her daughters underwear having spots of blood on them. I have been a victim of child molesters myself. 3 times. And all 3 times I was told I was a liar, an attention seeker, that the perp couldn't have possibly done it. I was humiliated, vilified and shut off by my family and made to feel utterly horrible by the people who were suppose to protect me. All 3 times I told the truth and all 3 times I was the one who got attacked and wasn't believed. That's why I hesitated in telling my friend because I've learnt NOT to tell the truth. Telling the truth means being belittled and disbelieved and all the other heart ache that comes with it. If I would have told her she would have verbally attacked me. People dont want to know the truth no matter how horrible it is.
Sorry for what you’ve gone through but your train of thought and mentality is incorrect. Maybe seek professional help to recognise that
That little girl deserved your protection, having been through it yourself, you should have been her advocate. You should have gone to the police, you let that little girl down.
Omg yes they have right to know & if not you tell him he is to stay away. What the hell is wrong with your partner..!!! Yes everyone with children need to be made aware. Guard them and watch them with every move. If you don’t speak up, how would you feel if something happened to one of them..!!!
You have been in this position yourself.. you need to tell everyone, scream it done the house if you have to. Protect these kids..!!! Don’t let them go through them same as you went through. This man is sick. Please tell everyone, even his own sister.!! I couldn’t even look at the guy again if that was me.
I would tell, but you need to get your partner on your side. If you do break up over this how are you going to protect your baby?
Your partner will get visitation and if he is that protective of his brother your baby is going to not have your protection when visiting dad.
I would definitely call and talk to an organisation that deals with this, to find the best way to go about it.
My family is going through this right now, the social worker on the case has said it ALWAYS splits families. What happened with mine is my nephew ( sisters son, now 21 started when he was in his early teens) was molesting my niece since she was around 2 (brothers daughter, now 8)
It took her a long time to come out but since then I am of course on my nieces side as my nephew tried to do things with my sons, my nan of course brushed it off, she hasn’t even asked how my niece is. She’s trying to talk to my brother saying that my nephew only loves her and he doesn’t want to hurt her, we all know better. My sister is of course on her sons side. My nephew admitted to everything plus more than what my niece has mentioned. I have stayed out of it besides mentioning of court etc I know drama will start very soon though as my nan refuses to not leave my nephew out of family things even though legally he’s not to be around children. Perhaps your BIL has those conditions too? Your partner is refusing to believe his brother can do such a disgusting thing just like my younger nephew can’t believe his older brother is a pedo. You need to talk some sense into your partner and perhaps create a fake fb profile to tell everyone else in the family, I know that’s a petty way too go but that way it’s not on you.
Ok so my husband's family has a similar situation and the fact that no one knew the truth originally has fractured many relationships. Our children have nothing to do with their grandparents because of the choices they made.
If it were me, I would confront my partner's brother with my partner. You need to know what the charges are and if he has been convicted. This will then influence where you go from here.
I believe in everyone being totally open, honest and transparent.
It is not about him, it is about making sure the kid's are safe. Their parents need to be given the opportunity to decide whether or not they want their children to be involved with someone who has been convicted of those kinds of acts.
We went through a similar thing a while back unfortunately it was my blood brother in the wrong. I was at the police station within hours of finding out something had happened, and told my family within the week of the arrest. Noone speaks to me now but my kids are safe and I dont give a shit. It has been so hard. So damn hard. But I'm glad I told everyone because noone else was going to. I chose to keep my kids away from danger. And I gave my other relatives the same option. It's their choice what they do moving forward. If you and hubby arent on the same page this will cause issues. Maybe he can try and find out what's happened from his brother? Good luck xo