Hello sisters,
Where to start... I have been with my partner for almost 7years. We have 2 kids between us both from previous relationships, my DD who is 8 and his DS who is almost 14.
I’m 33 and my partner is 39.
I have been feeling a little bit off, really hot and urinating lots... I took a pregnancy test... positive!!
The thing is my partner has made it very clear that he doesn’t want any more children. I have previous to my daughter, had a still born little boy and despite understanding where my partner sits I have had a burning desire to have another for the past few years. I have been open and honest about this... but he has stayed firm on his desire to not have any more.
This little bean is completely unplanned... but I was so happy when I seen two lines!
I sat my partner down last night after yet another positive test and told him.
His initial reaction was, “why are you crying”, I said I was emotional. I said I was sorry, he told me not to be sorry as we both did this together. He asked what I was thinking... I said I was still trying to process things.... there was a long drawn pause... I then said “I know what you want me to do”. He responded with “maybe that’s why you are so emotional”.
That was it, end of discussion. I know he wants me to abort, I just don’t know that I could live myself if I did! I feel he will resent me if I keep it, and fear I will resent him if I am pressured to abort.
I know my DD will be over the moon to have a younger sibling, she has been begging us for years to have a baby.
I know there is going to be someone upset in this situation regardless...
Has Anyone been here before? Any advice?
15 Replies
Don't abort, it's evident this is a very much wanted baby on your behalf and you will regret it forever.
Have the proper conversation with him tonight, don't just leave it up in the air. Tell him you want this baby and you would like him to support you with this decision - ask him where he stands and book yourself in for a blood test and scan and see if he will come along with you.
After 7 years together, I feel like this can definitely work out and judging by his reaction, it sounds like he isn't adamant that he doesn't want this child at all.
To be honest, I can see it from his point. I am 39 this year and my youngest is also 14. There is no way in hell I'm having another child but my partner wants another one. I would hate to just be told I'm having another child and him coming home with a baby without me having any say in it. If you continue with the pregnancy knowing he does not want it then its the same thing. He will resent it, its easy for us Mums to fall in love with them on first sight but its not so easy for Dads.
Bringing a resented child into the world is not fair on the child.
If he didn’t want anymore kids he’d have been more proactive in using contraception and getting himself a vasectomy to prevent any more children from being born. Abortion is not a form of birth control and the pull out method is unpredictable and how my 3rd child made it into the world. It’s a decision the two of you need to make together. If you do decide to continue with the pregnancy you may loose your relationship. You’ve been. Single mother before, you could probably do it again if you needed to.
While this discussion should have both of you in it, the final decision is down to you. I've been in your shoes and no matter what anyone else wants you to choose, in the end it is your body, your hormones, your brain, your future.
a. If you aren't prepared to raise this child alone, don't have it. Cause when it comes down to it, women have the kids and provide the primary care for the kids when things go bad.
b. If you are emotionally invested in another child then you will never forgive yourself for aborting, and your relationship will be ruined by the emotional heartbreak.
So either way, you can both discuss it all you like, but if you are not on the same page, you, the mum, have to do what is in YOUR heart. YOU have to live with decision forever. Without discounting a dad's feelings, no man will ever be as invested in this, the hardest of decisions.
In my case I terminated 2 pregnancies from 4 to the same father. The first I accepted well, as I knew we were on the same page and the choice was in the best interests of mum, dad and potential bub. The second still feels like I chose a man over my child and I've never forgiven myself (although 15 years later, I have made peace...) And the relationship didn't survive. It probably wouldn't have if I'd chosen life, either. But I lost the child and then the relationship. I should have kept my baby, because I would have still lost the relationship...
Obviously, my life is not your life, and I send my deepest kindest thoughts your way, as you make your way through this next phase of your life. I'm sure you will make the right choice for your family. Hugs xx
You decide based on you. Just you as single mum. Then if you decide to proceed, y o u nkeep the bar raised high if he wants to stay in the picture.
Going into it tryi ng to keep him is a recipe for misery.
I think if you chose to keep it, you’d seriously need to consider if you could handle being a single mother (again assuming).. because if you chose to keep it, he might leave which is completely within his rights if it’s a child he doesn’t actually want.
I think that would personally (for me) be an easier pill to swallow then abort and regret and resent for the rest of my life.
I’d completely understand which ever way you went, either way is going to be hard and upsetting for someone.. everyone.
At the end of the day, it’s your choice but you do need to think of all options and consider him hugely in your decision
Mama I have been there and it is so hard! After weighing everything up, arguments and feeling really isolated I decided it was staying. Our child is now 2 and the light of our lives. The day we got home from hospital he said thankyou for not listening. I said thankyou for not leaving and it’s never been spoken of again. Just give it time. Everyone needs to process what is going on and you can’t make any clear decisions while it’s so fresh and new. If you are going to regret it it’s not the right choice whatever you decide to do
Don’t abort. You will regret due to the way you are feeling now. Abortion is 100% okay if that’s what you want
Have the baby this takes 2 & if he really didn’t want anymore then he should have taken more precautions. I know I’d have it especially when you have had a still born. You know the pain of losing a baby. If I was you, I’d go ahead. He will probably come around. It’s you that has to live with the guilt and grief.
Have the baby this takes 2 & if he really didn’t want anymore then he should have taken more precautions. I know I’d have it especially when you have had a still born. You know the pain of losing a baby. If I was you, I’d go ahead. He will probably come around. It’s you that has to live with the guilt and grief.
If it comes down to the baby or him then I’d choose the baby. If he can walk then he is a douche anyway.! This has taken 2 and he knows you’ve had a still born. He shouldn’t expect you to abort this one.
If you abort, you'll resent him.
If you don't, he'll resent you.
Your relationship may be screwed either way
Talk to him. Tell him want you want, he might surprise you l.... all I hear is what everyone else wants. You need to do what's right for you.
You can do it mumma. Please don't abort if you want this baby. You'll never forgive yourself.
My husband and I fell pregnant with our third last year. My husband had always been clear he didn't want a third, and so I had come to terms with that, but then we were unexpectedly pregnant. My husband asked me to abort. I felt I owed it to him to consider the possibility of doing that, but in my heart I had always wanted another and I couldn't live with a termination so chose to keep him. My husband was upset, but come to terms with it after a few months. The moment my little boy was born my husband was instantly in love. He dotes on him and we can't imagine our life without him. Its a tricky situation, I wish you the best in your decision. Follow you heart x
If you keep the baby one of two things will happen 1) he will see the baby once it's born and fall in love blah blah blah there's your fairy tale ending or 2) you'll be a single mother.
In all honesty if you keep the baby and then separate you shouldn't be allowed to claim child support. Why should a man have to pay for a child he didn't want in the first place.
Yes, yes.. Your body your choice but why doesn't he get a choice?