I don't know if this is the place to ask this question but I have literally no idea where else to go.
I'm 19, a university student, single... and pregnant. About 3 weeks along so still very early. I've only told 1 person. I don't know what to do, I'm so scared.
I want to keep the baby. I really do. I've always wanted to be a mother, and I myself was raised by a single mum so I have no illusions about how hard it will be. I understand that it will be a struggle. That isn't the scary part to me.
The first problem is that I don't know who the father is. Please don't judge this. 3 weeks ago I was just a single young girl, dealing with stress the only way I knew how. Of course, if I had known what it would lead to, I would've watched Netflix and binged on ice cream like a normal person. But what's done is done. I don't mind being a single parent really, but it's not something I want to have to explain or figure out.
The second problem is that I don't have a support system. I have a few amazing friends, but I moved out of home when I was 16, and have no relationship with my mother and that side of the family. I have an extremely distant relationship with my father. I should also mention that my university is about six hours away from any relatives. Moving/dropping out is simply not an option I will consider, and so it would be even more difficult than usual, because I only have about two or three people to rely on, and no one older than me. I have some savings, a pretty steady but minimum income, and government support for young mothers is pretty good where I am. (NZ, not AU).
Of course, even if all these things were solved, there's still the issue of telling my family. Everyone will be so disappointed in me.
I'm not a drinker or a partier, I don't have that much of a "social life" that I would be missing out on... I want to keep this baby. But there's also a voice telling me that it's too hard and selfish of me to bring a human into this world when I can barely take care of myself. Please be kind with your suggestions.
Thank you.
49 Replies
The only person you really have to answer to is yourself. Don’t be swayed by others judgements but think long and hard for yourself about what you really want and what works best for you. Either way you are an amazing person. Do what’s best for you.
Thank you. It really does mean a lot to me.
How do you not know who the father is if you only conceived about 8-12 days ago? Like surely you know who you have hooked up with in the last few days particularly if you weren't drunk.
Or do you mean you've hooked up with multiple people in the last two weeks?
hooked up with multiple people within a few days of each other. trust me, i'm judging myself more than anyone else.
I'm certainly not judging you, I am sure a majority of us have been there, done that. More so I wanted to double check you are aware you've only just recently conceived and write my next response.
What would your step be once the baby is born? Would you contact any of the potential fathers and get paternity tests? Would you tell all of them that you're pregnant now and expect them all to be a part of the pregnancy and go from there?
More so just think about child support and what not, it's going to be quite the debacle and can you handle the backlash/rumours etc. if you do speak up to the boys who are potentially father?
Women have and still do raise children who do not know who their father is. As long as you can explain and nurture this in future when your child wants to know who their dad is or why they weren't wanted by them etc. :)
I've been researching the possibility of taking a paternity test while the baby is still in the womb. There's extra cost involved, but it would save soo much hassle. At least then I could figure out how to go about child support, etc. before the baby arrives. There are 3 possible fathers and honestly I don't know enough about any of their personalities to guess how they would react.The part of me that hates confrontation wants to just block all of them and pretend they don't exist and do what I can by myself. But that's not fair to them or my baby. I can deal with the rumour mill and whatnot - I'm not one to be bothered by what people I don't know think of me.
I just feel very unsettled as I keep having bad dreams concerning being a mother which I feel is my mind trying to tell me to run the fuck away. I'm already feeling hellishly sick a lot of the time, and pregnancy has never been easy for the women in my family. It worries me as I am already a generally ill person and have to study part time because of this. If I do keep this baby, I want to at least be able to finish this year of study before considering taking a break, but I'm worried about complications that could arise. Fuck, I'm just worried about everything.
For the cost on a paternity test whilst pregnant I wouldn't do it, for many reasons.
1. The cost - you're going to need most likely 2 to rule out who it is, that's money you could have put aside for when bubs is born.
2. Rights - if you do find out who the father is, are you prepared to co-parent? You would need to list him on the birth certificate and this gives him rights. Custody, stopping you from moving, stopping child from getting a passport. Quite frankly, a hassle almost.
3. Rejection - he can say nope I don't want to be a part of this kids life, then in 5-6 years say hang on, I all of a sudden want to be.
I by all means think it's right to find out at a later stage who the father is, but I highly recommend doing it alone to begin with.
If they're someone you will see between now and the birth, I am sure they will put two and two together and ask the question if they could be the father.
Yeah, I don't think I will be doing it. I'm going to tell each potential father about the possibility of it being their child, but probably not until after I'm done with the first trimester and absolutely sure what's happening. If they are that adamant for a paternity test, they can fork out for it. I'll be as honest as I can be all circumstances considered. I never want to purposefully deceive anyone. 2 out of the 3 people are Tinder matches. I don't even know their last names, so they can easily unmatch and disappear without a trace once I tell them.
I would strongly recommend you don't get some random person you hardly know involved!!! If this person turns out to be a NIGHTMARE you will have 18 years of dealing with them, handing your baby over to them or to their family. If they don't like you they can take you to court and get the baby handed over to them if they have money and good lawyers. Especially if they say 'she has no family support". I would flag the child support in a heart beat and do it on your own if you do decide to make the decision to keep the pregnancy going.
They are random people you don't know, you have no concept of what their families are like, if they are narcissists, soiopaths, psychopaths or a paedophile or one of their family members is one. , I wouldn't mention it AT ALL and keep them all well out of it.
Don’t be swayed by other people’s opinions of you. This is your decision. I was 18 and a university student when I fell pregnant with my first. I knew who the father was so didn’t have that issue...but.. 6 years later I’ve finished a uni degree - I did mine online, maybe this could work for you. I was so worried about others opinions and in the end everyone important has been supportive, everyone else I’ve lost touch with and I have nothing really to do with them. Having a child will change your life, how you think, how you make future decisions. It’s a big deal. But make sure it’s your decision :). Good luck !
I would definitely consider online courses. My university is very child-friendly and even have a fully-funded daycare centre under their name. I'm quite an introvert (I know my recent activities may make that statement doubtful but...) so I don't have much of a social life outside of uni, my flatmates, and the occasional coffee date. Seeing as I'm most definitely going to have to find somewhere else to live once baby is here, and I'm not naive enough to believe I'll be getting out a lot for coffee within the first six months, university would be all I'd have left.
Thank you so much for your advice and kindness!
It's great you're considering all options, if you're only three weeks along you literally conceived about a week - 10 days ago so it's still very new. So give yourself some time to process this and see it from all perspectives.
Firstly, you want this baby and you need to ensure you don't make a decision because society says so or you feel pressured. You're so young and you have SO many years ahead where you can be a mother at a time more suitable if you feel you need to abort.
I worry at the part where you say you have no illusions about being a single mother and how hard it would be yet you then go on to say you don't have a relationship with your own mother. Something must have gone wrong in her parenting in order for you to not have a relationship with her so young in your life and this screams disaster. I think you are oblivious to how hard being a single, young parent really is and what it means for you. Without a support network you will be really fucking lonely and lost. It's blunt, but it's true.
Parenting has it's good days but there are so many hard days in order to get to those good days. You're not willing to drop out of uni which sorry, but it's reality and most likely you're going to have to. Lack of sleep, childcare, funds on nappies, formula etc, wanting to spend quality time with your baby, mum guilt and all that shit that comes along with it just do not match up with a young girl at uni. By all means it CAN work, but you need to be absolutely organised and be prepared for those things I've mentioned because as a working mum I can't tell you how hard it is to miss out on my babe's special moments.
Don't rely on your friends, I can almost guarantee that when bubs is here and you need someone to chat to they'll be off doing whatever it is most 19yo teen girls do and you'll be a last thought. Been there, done that and it's freaking hard. You'll be a nuisance to them and your pooing, vomiting and screaming baby is not by any means cute to a teenager.
Your minimum income - throw it out the door. After studying, doing placement and all that jazz, alongside already using your childcare hours.. you won't have time to work and if you do you will hardly see your baby. You need to choose work or uni or study online in the late hours of night and work to support you and your child. Handouts aren't good enough to live off when you want or need something extra and it's not nice having to fret about when that next pay is coming through and having to scrimp and scrape for money to feed your kid and then miss out on food yourself because you put them first.
You have hardly any relationship with your family as you've mentioned, so who gives a flying f*** what they think or are disappointed in you. If they were there to support and guide you, chances are you wouldn't be in this pickle of needing to choose because you'd have love and support from them.
This is so harsh of me to say it like this, but I want you to see it in the reality of what it is like. If you think you can handle it after reading how raw it can be - then you can do this and you can and will be a great mother no matter what you decide.
Hi! Your comment has really given me a lot to think about and i appreciate your honesty.
I should clarify that my mother was addicted to drugs even before she conceived me, and remains so to this day. Drugs have always brought out a very dark side of her, and when I was 16 I chose to no longer be associated with that. I believe she raised me as well as a person like her was able to, and I do still care for her immensely, and I have no doubt she loves me in her own way. However, she is detrimental to my well-being, and I would be wary of letting her close to any of my children. She has a way of pushing her own insecurities onto others that has hurt me and my siblings a lot.
n regards to my mother, my biggest worry is that I don't have the knowledge of what a sober, stable home looks like. I'm still basically a child myself, although I had to grow up fast, and I'm still learning how to be emotionally articulate and accountable as these weren't things I was ever taught growing up.
I grew up poor, and I'm not a materialistic person. (I'm not trying to suggest that you are, you're obviously not either.) Although perhaps I don't understand all the sacrifices that were made for my benefit, I do understand the love that fuels those types of sacrifices.
The only thing I really know for sure is that I love this baby so much already. But I really have no plan for income, no support, nothing stable. It would be irresponsible of me to keep it without an insane amount of planning.
You sound so mature and like you’re really thinking this through and considering all aspects.
That’s really sad about your mum but it sounds like you made the right decision for your circumstances.
Can I just tell you that you can love this baby and still abort, that doesn’t mean you didn’t have love for it, you can mourn its loss like we all do when we lose someone. But you can also make this work, it’s going to be really hard and your life probably won’t ever go in the direction you expected it to career wise or family/love life wise but the thing is.. life’s unpredictable and if you have a will to do this, then you’ll find a way.
Thank you.
It is sad, but it is what it is. I'm proud of what I've made of it.
It's not an easy decision, and I feel like I'll be forever changed no matter what I do. I don't know if I could go through with an abortion, honestly. I'm so scared. Adoption isn't even an option because the foster care system in my country is horrific. I could never put a child through that.
If you don’t want to go through an abortion, don’t do it. You will find a way to make this work, you sound articulate and smart and like you can definitely succeed with this.
Have a chat to your doctor or a counsellor at the campus, they’re non judgemental and can offer you support and point you to some services that can help out financially x x
Your words might make me cry!
I definitely will talk to a doctor! Thank you so much. xx
I was 20 when I had to make this decision. I understand the fear.
Does your uni have counsellor to talk to?
Don’t worry about being judged. You’ll be surprised at how people take it. After the first surprise, people that care about you will want to support you, with what you want. The hard part is deciding.
There is no shame or judgement either way. You do, what you want and makes you feel the best.
I had my son, he is in his 20s now. To be honest, I don’t regret it one bit. I don’t think I would have regretted an abortion either, because I’m the kind of person who doesn’t rethink/overthink decisions I made in the past. Once they are made, they are made and you make the most of the situation.
That doesn’t mean there haven’t been hard times. There definitely have.
For some reason this comment felt very soothing in tone. Thank you. Yes, my university has a lot of support, and I have a private therapist funded through ACC that I can talk to.
I am diagnosed with MDD and anxiety, and so overthinking is basically my middle name. But every time I start to worry, all I can think about is how much I already love my baby. I am so torn.
Honestly, I would say HELL NO. Don't do it to yourself. You saw your mum but you don't know. Just wait until you're sorted and ready, have a bit of support sorted, money in the bank, life lived, at least give yourself a bit of a chance to enjoy it.
Shagging random guys for stress relief will go out the window too... You won't have time, money or energy to even line that up let alone get out of the house.
The biggest mistake I ever made was coparenting with a twat. Cos I didn't know him and had no idea it could go so badly. My advice is to at the very least, make sure the person you choose to have kids to is a decent human.
I guess I haven't really thought about how I would co-parent. I've just assumed that the father wouldn't want anything at all to do with the baby and would disappear like a figment of my imagination. Considering that's how my own father did things. That's certainly something to think about.
Absolutely no guarantee of that, unless you go with a donor. He has equal rights to you, he could even win majority of custody. He can stop you moving towns, give you the run around cost you money and a shitload in stress and abuse. He can do whatever he wants with the child in his time, doesn't matter if you wouldn't want that for your baby. From small things like skating without a helmet to huge things like leaving them for a sleepover at his mums or siblings. You don't even have a right to the address. He can come and go and say things to you and the child that cause stress, fear, anxiety and lasting affects on you and your childs wellbeing. The standard of what makes a parent worthy of contact is actually very very low.
We are very fortunate to be able to choose. Like me, you're probably optimistic that it will just work out ok, which is why I wanted to say, in hindsight I would not go in with that hope about an unknown again, I would make sure it was a known and I'd chosen.
Then I suppose my decision should wait until I know who the father is... I can get a paternity test done while I'm pregnant (can get them done from 9 weeks). But then it would only give me about 5 weeks to get to know the father and decide to keep the baby or not. After 14 weeks, a surgical abortion is necessary which I want to avoid if possible. Either way I'm a little bit stuck, aren't I? I feel like there's no right choice. Either way nothing will ever be the same again.
If you decide to keep it, I'm not trying to sway you, and I realise we all have different personal values, but if you are deciding, my experience is that a life of kids built on a flimsy foundation is really fucking hard almost to the point of regrettable, for many years, whereas the termination I had in early twenties (in a stable relationship, good guy, and owned a home) I have no regrets about, have no thoughts about, except to be glad I did that.
At the end of the day, I think you'll probably go with your heart and that's the path your life will take, it's not wrong and you'll get your degree and you'll get your career because I can tell from your post that you'll bust your ass, even if you have to wait and struggle for 10 years for it. It's just two very different paths.
I'm so thankful for all this amazing advice. I know it's going to be more difficult than I can fathom right now. I think... for the time being, I want to go about my life as if I'm keeping it and not stress myself out about the decision yet. There's still the matter of not knowing who the father is, which is a whole 'nother can of worms. Paternity tests cost about $1200 and that's just for one potential father. There's at least two that need testing. I really don't know how to go about this.
Honestly I would bin that idea. That's money you'll need. Just wait and do it all yourself, alone. If ones interested he may request the test, or if you are interested, sort it out in the first years. It probably will be much less stressful to not have them involved and do it yourself, at least for the decision making, the pregnancy, birth, naming, and first trimester. When asked, you just say he's not involved. No need to explain anything to any one.
Yeah, I think that is how it's going to have to be. I'll have to tell all 3 that there's a 1 in 3 chance they're the father, but that can wait for the time being. Bigger fish to fry and all that.
At 14 weeks, a surgical abortion will pull your babies arms and legs off and rip him or her to pieces. Please don’t do this to your little one
Oh fuck off with your stupid information, abortion is a choice go and preach elsewhere you moronic twat.
This is NOT the place for your personal views, if you have an opinion make your own post! She needs support and uplifting words of encouragement.
I'm pro-choice and already know that that is false information. However, for your peace of mind, as I've said before - I'm trying to avoid a surgical abortion.
Most disappear for the first 4 years and then when the child is older and easier, come on back. It's a complete nightmare, believe me. You'll no doubt meet a man you like and this will be a father like firgure for the child. Please be very careful about getting somoene you don't know involved! They could be controlling, abusive, you just don't know.
I had my first at 18 followed by 3 more and I'm now nearly 40 without a real job and nothing to my name. My biggest problem was no family support and an abusive partner. I have found that the other young Mums in my life that went on to be able to study and work etc had a great support network, ones that didn't are in my boat. No support from anyone and this will be the hardest thing you will ever do.
In regards to support, I have three best friends who I've known for 10+ years. It isn't much, but I'm naive enough to hope that they will at least be kind and generous to the best of their abilities. These are people that I've let live under my roof and taken care of when their life has fallen apart and when they need help rebuilding it. I have no doubt that these friendships in particular are strong, and I consider them like family. But there's not really a lot they can offer me in terms of advice, financial help, or anything corporeal. They're broke students like me, so there's not a lot I could ask of them.
I have been tossing up the idea of living with my dad and step mum for the final month of pregnancy and the first two or so months after. The timing should be so that the new semester for uni would be just starting up once I got back. The only problem is my dad is a pretty harsh man who often puts his foot in his mouth. i don't want him or I to say something in the heat of the moment that we can't take back. I'm also not that close to him, we are still building a relationship seeing as he left when I was 1 and we had almost no contact until I was around 15.
I don't know. I guess I know that I want to keep the baby, but it doesn't feel morally right to do so when it's future isn't stable.
You will be fine! I was in your exact situation when I was at uni. My daughter is now 19 and at university herself. Please don’t kill your unborn son or daughter ❤️ there is help available!
I received wonderful practical help from Right to Life Queensland.
She clearly states she is in NZ..... don't bother commenting on here if you're going to throw your "don't kill the baby" views around. Abortion is a choice!
You'll be fine! Unreal advice... don't bother reading the rest of this one
She’s also probably lying about being in the same situation, she probably works for right to life and trolls these kinds of posts.
Wow. So it’s terrible to say “Don’t kill the baby” but it’s fine for other commenters to recommend termination even though the OP has clearly stated she wants to keep the baby. Double standards right there. To the OP I just want to say I’m absolutely amazed at how you’re dealing with this. I have no doubt you’ll make the right decision. Just make sure it is YOUR decision. Don’t let anyone (here or anywhere else) pressure you.
I had my daughter when I was 16, honestly she just gave me something to live for, someone to better my life for. Dad was never apart of the picture. She’s 8 now and I wouldn’t change anything. You just need to do what’s best for you, give yourself a minute to breathe and process before making any decisions 😊
Personally I would not go through with this pregnancy. And. Or because you don’t sound capable, but it sounds like you are breaking a cycle, wanting more for you and your future. Don’t worry about judgment we all have our day for that. What do you want for the next 20 years? Your friends will be helpful but probably will want to be young and enjoy life. If staying in uni is you main goal, a child will make that near impossible. Only you know what you are okay with and that also means being okay with your life path changing forever.
My heart goes out to you ❤️
I’ve been a single mother of two for 3 years. My kids are 11 and 7, and I’m 39. I made it work financially up until the end of last year but I’m currently struggling to provide for them day to day & it’s a big burden to cover alone.
I have no doubt you’d make it work but it could be that your own dreams are put on hold or aside, when you could make a choice and choose yourself this one time. There’s absolutely no shame continuing your study, gaining your qualification and planning for a family later in life.
I am in NZ and I had an abortion at your age, and I dont regret it.
I was in a dead end job, dead end relationship.
But it's something you have to be sure about. You'll always think 'what if' no matter what you choose.
I'm now 30, married to a great man, own our own home and have a beautiful baby boy.
No matter what you choose you will be 100% fine. We are so lucky in NZ that you can be a single mum and still have options.
I think if you decide to continue with the pregnancy it will be a good idea to find out who the father is, I know that will be tough. But will be worth it for your childs well being.
All the very best. What ever you choose, you will be on my mind xox
I read this and think, wow! What a strong, mature young women! I think whatever descions you make, needs to be whats best for you now and your furture. All the best. Xx
Can you track down the guy.? Do you know anything about him.? You are so young still. I think you should think hard about it and seek come councilling. I couldn’t have an abortion but I am also not in your position. It’s an individual choice. Can you live wit. The regret you may face of having an abortion. Can you support and baby and uni? It’s a massive life time commitment. Did you like not having a father around.? Think of all these things and go with your gut feeling what is right for you. I’d want my baby to have their dad in their life.
I was in a situation kind of like yours when I was 18- 5 months into a relationship, 8 weeks pregnant, a low paying job and recently booted from home.
I had an abortion.
I will tell you now, the mental struggle I went through and guilt plagued me for the following 2 years. Not until I was well into my 20’s did I reflect on my decision as being the right one for me at the time.
My story ended up quite different though, I ended up marrying the father and went on to have 2 beautiful children with him, the house, the job and the lot. I still firmly believe that my life would’ve turned out very differently had I not made that choice, I still often think that I’d have a 13 year old by now and I still get emotional though.
But I know in my heart of hearts I wasn’t ready to be a Mum back then I had a lot of growing left to do. I really do wish you the best of luck, you sound very switched on and it’s such a deeply personal decision. It changed my views on abortion greatly though and it’s not a one sided debate. If you think you’re up to the task don’t hesitate in bringing a child into the world.
I am going to answer if this was me in this situation.
I too was raised by a single mum, however my mum has told me multiple times she wouldn't want me to do what she went through.
I too am in uni (I am married however if I were single) I don't think I would be in the situation, mindframe, or time frame to be able to manage being a full time student, working and raising a child.
My hubby and I are wanting to start a family, we would love it. But I am putting it off, purely based on uni. I wouldn't be able to handle it at all, even with a very strong support base with my in laws and my family.
I've read your comments and you sound well grounded and you would make the right decision for you. If you decide to not go through with it, don't take any thought of what ANYONE else says about your decision! (some of these comments are outrageous!)
Good luck.
No not a good idea.