Does the “happy family” actually exist?
I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and now I have my own dysfunctional family and I’m wondering, is there a normal family? Does it exist?
I’m a little over my own. I have a 6 yo with adhd and anxiety to an ex, who has him 50%, so that comes with its own issues. My eldest son and my husband don’t get along, constant bickering and attitude from both ends. Then my 6 yo is always fighting with his younger brother (4).
I always envision us having a nice family weekend, but it ends up everyone fighting and throwing tantrums and me dreaming about running away.
Is this it? Is this motherhood? Was I chasing a non existent dream?
8 Replies
I think you get days or moments of happy.. no one is happy all the time!
Sad your hubby and son don’t get along 😬
I think many parents in relationships are really unhappy/disfunctional together. Being single is really hard work too. Having kids is really bloody hard work for us all. Being in one of those blissful families does sometimes seem an impossible dream, there are some - but very few. But being happy is definitely possible, and being unhappy long term is definitely not ok.
Being respected, treated kindly, listened to, supported and encouraged to find your support and sanity and take care of yourself through the hard times and having people that help you smile and have good times is about as good as it gets.
I have a fairly functional family. Although I grew up in a dis functional one.
I’ve got a 3 and 5 year old. And been with my partner 8 years. We are always doing things. Taking the kids to the park, going for family walks, taking the kids on day trips, we take the kids to our families gym, ect ect ect. On the outside we probably do look perfect, but we aren’t. We bicker, argue occasionally. This afternoon we tried to play a board game and my partner and I were so close to going mad at trying to make the kids take in turns ect. Day trips often mean tired kids whinging most of the way home. Half our family walks are spent us bribing the kids with something when we get home. Half the time I get home and regret not staying home to catch up on house work ect ect. Or I’m madly prepping dinner before we head out to do something.
We are functional but our life is still hectic, and still full of tantrums ect. So even those who’s life looks perfect, aren’t. So don’t for a second ever believe that yours should, or need to be perfect. Focus on the nice times, or make more nice times. And don’t dwell on the screaming matches, the fighting ect ect because most of it just comes part and parcel with being a fam
I’m a single mum to one boy and we have a ball together....maybe no husband is the only way lol Just kidding, I see plenty of happy functional families.
Yes, happy and functional families totally exist, i do tend to think a lot of people expect them to look like American sitcom families though and that's just not realistic.
That's where this pressure for perfection comes from.
The thing is, even the most boring, functional family will experience tough times and not every minute of it is pure happiness. Maintain a family takes work!
Someone above touched on that perception of perfection too, it's really important to keep in mind.
I used to follow a friend from high school on social media - I was always so jealous because she had (portrayed) this perfect life. Behind the scenes, was a much different story so it's really important not to compare!
I grew up in a functional family. Lovely parents, despite them marrying at 18 and having me at 19. They are still together (married 46 years).
My dad grew up in a conservative functional family and my mum grew up in a more quirky functional family.
I’d say that my own little family is very functional despite the extra challenges my son faces (multiple disabilities).
I think it’s easier to be functional when you come from functional. I’d say I’ve had a very privilidged upbringing and that’s helped me avoid getting into situations and involved with people who would create a dysfunctional family. It’s much easier to walk away from a guy who isn’t right when you’ve had a great upbringing.
Thats not to say that there aren’t bad days, of course there are, and bad things happen to everyone, there is stuff in life we can’t control. But that bad stuff that happens doesn’t seem to crush us.
Yes of course they do exist, I think in your circumstance your blended family is difficult on your eldest, what have you done to mediate the situation?
We’re a happy and functional family, we do a lot of our own activities and ensure we do enough for ourselves and allow the other person to get that time they need to do so. We take it in turns getting up to the kids and then allowing the other one to sleep in on the weekend.
We do a family outing every couple of weeks whether it be to the zoo, park, a farm, lunch etc.
We do have our troubles though, we have a difficult child who doesn’t sleep and has behaviour problems, it’s extremely tiring for us both however we ensure we are on the same page in regards to parenting and punishments and have each other’s back no matter what. I don’t agree with all his methods and he doesn’t with mine, however we recognise that we are both equally the parent and need to allow one another to do what we think is right.
We get stressed about money at times but it doesn’t cause fights. We rarely fight but when we do it’s over and done with in an hour or so.
Dysfunctional families are hard in that you mirror behaviours from your upbringing unknowingly and create similar relationships with your partner. Awareness is the beginning of changing this inherited behaviour. As painful as it is it starts with yourself and honesty about your own behaviours and how to change them. I am from a dysfunctional family I have 6 siblings all encountering the same crap, Repeated partner relationships with addicts, alcoholics, chaos types, manipulative, cheating ect because of parent wounds. Most of us are aware of it and changing behaviours that attract this so being neglected emotionally means you want emotional connection but will likely choose someone who neglects you ect. It can take a few aware generations to change this family script which sucks cos it makes it feel pointless to try. You portray surface behaviours in your post but underneath you must feel like everything is wrong, and while you might have a idealistic image of how you wish it were, doesn’t mean you are over reaching. Listen to your gut instinct. Get some support by counselling or join a group or book club ect and “escape” even for a couple hours. Yes everyone has issues but some people think cos thier hubbies don’t put thier towel in the wash or pick up thier socks life is hard! I know plenty of people who don’t have the type of dysfunction my family has but I can also tell there are plenty who do.. change your script, get trauma therapy if there was ever any and don’t give up. It’s also the ages which are hard to get through, so make boundaries with your current partner and child and consistently enforce them, they will eventually take you serious IF you are serious about not giving up.