Can someone point me in the way of some support services, please? I live in rural Victoria and I don’t know where to go for help.
I have three sons at home and the middle one is disobedient and unruly. He’s nearly 13. Refuses to go to school often (and I’m too small to physically drag him to the car so don’t tell me to do that, I cannot), wags class when he does go, chooses to nick off into town with his mates when he’s at school (a large high school in the next regional centre), has been caught drinking and smoking, swears and uses the c word to people, is bold and disobedient to teachers and doesn’t care if he is sent to the headmaster, he just leaves the school grounds and does as he pleases. I’m terrified he’s going to end up on ice and/or in jail. The boys he hangs out with are boys from disadvantaged homes and resi care.
My son was bought up with respect and good manners, which he does use when we are out as a family, in front of elders and at Mass. Its the school/mates environment that I’m really worried about. There’s no other school around and I can’t afford to sent him off to boarding school to get him into a better learning environment.
The oldest boy is good as gold, occasionally grumpy and rude, but that’s normal 16 year old boy behaviour. He always asks permission for things and doesn’t swear or talk back. The youngest is 10 and generally good, though he’s started with the school refusal lately.
I’m so sick of yelling and screaming at my sons to do the right thing and I’m really worried for my year 7 boy.
I should also add that I am no longer married so there’s no man at home, and I have autism and find this all a bit too bloody hard
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14 Replies
Can you call on any family support ? Or any support from your ex ? Can he go live with them so you can get a breather ? Have you tried councilling ? I was going to suggest to put him into residential care , hostel type support , but if he’s already hanging around with other feral kids from a resi support home then that particular centre won’t be good for him . Can you consider another centre of residential care as a form of respite ? I had to do this with one of my own kids and the centre he attended did not tolerate vile behaviour from the other inhoused kids . Maybe talk to the centre about your worries regarding their in-house kids before considering enrolment . Maybe even speak to the police and ask them to speak to him too and see what they suggest ? Those are all the things I had to do after councilling and family support no longer worked and residential housing was the only option I had left . They are monitored 24 hours a day with full staff so I don’t understand how the resi kids he hangs around are being unsupervised and getting away with being as feral as you describe.
Best of Luck ,
All my family live in Queensland, so not an option unfortunately. I certainly have thought about sending him to live with the boys father. Only thing holding me back is I don’t want him to feel abandoned. I love him so much and I wonder if he was emotionally hurt from our divorce. I just don’t want to make him feel I hate him, when I love him, but detest his behaviour.
There’s only one resi unit that I know of in town. I wasn’t aware that one could send a child there for short stay. In my ignorance I assumed it was only for kids who had been removed from their parents by the welfare dept. I will ring and ask them.
The boy from resi that my son hangs out with attends the local high school, and the high school doesn’t chase kids who leave the premises.
His behaviour is already rubbing off on his siblings . Eventually you will have three like that if you don’t fix this now since they are beginning to copy him , also a suggestion is home schooling ? That way you can monitor his whereabouts at all times before resorting to removing him out of the family home into a youth transitional share home . Especially if he’s brcomming dangerous ie : illegal activities or violence . Act now before it’s too late and he gets bigger .
I did consider homeschooling, but I have to work during the day as all my children are too old for me to have parenting payment and I cannot survive on the dole. Also, I don’t think I would be a very good teacher. I’d try to institute a lesson and he’d just utterly refuse to participate
What has the school offered, if anything? Contact them to try and find out what your options are. My child refused to go to school at one point so I signed him up for online school, run through some private schools. It does cost money but it might be a good option for him, it sounds like that school is no good for him. He is not even 13 yet, he is going to get worse before he gets better. Online school plus whatever sports he is interested in. Or if its an option consider sending him to Dad if that means he will be going to a different school.
The school hasn’t offered anything as yet. I think it’s a bit of a problem at that school, from what I’ve heard from others. Also, when in town shopping, I often see lots of kids from the high school who aren’t in class, when it’s not lunch time.
He does thankfully play football for the local junior team. That’s one positive support system he has, with positive male role models he needs.
I am seriously thinking about sending him to live with their dad, I just don’t want him to feel abandoned. And I’m not too sure what the ex will say about the whole matter. I haven’t told him about the poor behaviour as I’m scared I’ll get yelled at.
I had a phone call from the headmaster in charge of year 7 and he is going to meet with my son and I on Monday to see what can be done to help. He asked me to keep him at home until then so I know he is safe and not roaming the streets, as apparently my boy has only been to two half days of school at all in the past month, nicking off from lessons with mates. He wanted to know the names of his mates so he can address the whole issue.
Has there been an extreme life event or turning point where he began behaving in such a way? Where his dad, is he still in the picture and what is the custody arrangement like?
It's important to understand why he is behaving in such a way and lashing out. Does your area have a tech school, something that is hands on?
I know for my sister who was very similar to your son, my mum worked out a managing plan with the school. She was to attend X amount of classes and have X amount of percentage to work towards, and if she did this by year 9 she would go to a specific VCAL thing (she was a year older than everyone, most schools in VIC offer this in year 10) to work towards a career.
Ask the school about extra curricular options regarding say carpentry etc. that he can work towards moving to VCAL eventually.
My husband and I divorced under very bad circumstances when he was 5 and his brothers 2 and 8. There was DV involved. I was assaulted one night and ran off to a friends house and called the police. By the time the police arrived, my ex was sound asleep and the police did nothing at all. My ex refused to allow my children to see me for 6 weeks until I could get to court to arrange something. We were all in the same town and he wouldn’t even let them into the yard in case I saw them. I went to the house on Christmas Day to see my kids and because I was 10 minutes later than I said I’d be, wasn’t allowed to see them. The boy who is now misbehaving saw me and climbed the fence and wouldn’t let me go and his dad tore him away from me, ran into the house and called the police and told them I tried to take the boy without my exes consent and I was given the choice to leave the premises or be arrested.
After 3 months, the ex announced he had met someone and left town and dumped the boys on my doorstep and took off.
He refuses to sign consent orders over their custody and I don’t have enough money to do so through the courts, whereas he and his parents have a lot of money.
He sees them a couple of times of year for a week on the school holidays and that’s it.
What your mum did with your sister sounds awesome. I didn’t know you could even do that.
My son is behind in his schoolwork due to his poor attitude stemming from primary school (he was no where as bad as this, just refused to do work that was too hard), and something hands on would be better suited to him. I told him he must remain in school until he’s legally old enough and has a job or an appropriate study such as an apprenticeship.
I think you need to take him to the GP and get him some counseling sessions that is a lot of trauma for one little soul! I know your weary but he needs your love.
Wishing you all the best on this journey!
She needs her sanity back too . She does love her son . Removing him from the family home for a while should be a last option , albeit a definite option , if his ways are destroying his mother and rubbing onto the younger kids ,and it can’t be fixed in the interim , removal might be the last resort . Unfortunately in a lot of desperate cases of despair , outside help is only offered once they enter the system . And if that what it takes , it’s worth looking into before he becomes too big for her to handle at all .
It definitely sounds like there has been a traumatic event and I’m sorry you both had to endure that.
Looking at it possibly from his perspective, his male figure in his life taught him hurt and that he will be let down, and therefore as such he isn’t respecting the authority of any males at the school (does he have male teachers and principal)?
He would be holding onto a lot of negativity from what he has experienced and a lot of unspoken hurt. Possibly lashing out and misbehaving to get back at his dad.
I would definitely go to your GP and get a mental heath care in place and stick the 10 sessions out, make sure he goes along and try to make the most out of it. Discuss the issues with the GP and psychologist before he attends :)
you definitely don't want to send him to his dad. His dad sounds like a shit influence and your sons behaviour will spiral. I understand your desperate but that's definitely not the answer. You mentioned he plays football. I would speak to his coach and ask them to mentor your son in some way. Can he help with the younger teams etc to keep him busy or something similar. dont give up on your son. go to the school and demand help, reach out to head space or something similar if you cant afford counselling for him. there is something deeply troubling him and he's lashing out because he doesn't have the resources to deal with it. You are his voice and advocate. I speak form experience on this. I have a step son who grew up with his mum in a rural town (about 2 hours drive from us) and started to get in to trouble at age 12 also. His mum just threw her hands in the air, buried her head in the sand and did nothing, my husband and i did all we could from afar, even trying to get him to live with us during high school but he didn't want a bar of us and it spiralled over the years to him now being 21, his mum has kicked him out, he is long term unemployed, mental health issues, and he has also told us that he was sexually abused by a friends of his mums at age 12 (he refuses to talk about it further and his mum has told us he is crazy...helpful!!!) and we are picking up the pieces of his mums continual neglect. there are plenty of resources for help, not just for your son but for you as well. please keep fighting for your son.
Headspace is a wonderful service for young people. Have a google to see if there os one near by to you.