Hi everyone,
I'm the same girl that posted anonymously under the title "Should I keep the baby?" Thank you to everyone who gave me such good advice and made me feel better about the situation.
A recap for the people who haven't seen that post: I'm 19, a student, single with no family support or guidance, and pregnant. I don't know who the father is. (I'm in NZ, not AU).
I've decided to keep the baby. I think the decision was already made, even before my first post. Even when I was just speculating at being pregnant, I already loved my child more than anything. It's too soon to know any details, but I already have a boy's name picked out. Arlo. I'm convinced it's a boy, but there's still a while to go before I can find out the gender.
I've been doing as much research as possible about government assistance, maternity care, financial planning, etc. for the past few weeks. I have a rough plan for the pregnancy and months after birth.
I'm going to continue on as normal for this year, finishing up my papers and working as much as I can to save money for after the baby's arrival. In NZ, I'm eligible to get covered maternity leave as long as I'm working more than 10 hours per week for 6 months prior to the birth, so I need to get more hours ASAP as my job is only 7 hours per week at the moment. I'll need way more hours anyway in order to save.
I'll finish all my exams in the October/November period and either a) stay in the city to keep working another month OR b) start my maternity leave and live with my Dad and Step-Mum in the countryside until baby is born. I haven't gone to a doctor yet, but if my math is right I'm due very early January. Right now I'm leaning towards going to my Dad's, but I haven't even told him or anyone that I'm pregnant yet, and I'm terrified. But I also know I can't do it all on my own.
The lease for the apartment I share with 5 other students ends at the beginning of February 2020. I will most likely have to end my part of it early and find a new apartment/move while heavily pregnant or even with a newborn. I'm also worried about finding an apartment that is central, cheap, good quality and has landlords/flatmates that are okay with a newborn on the premises. I've read some articles that there have been instances of applicants for living spaces being turned down specifically in my city because they are single mothers.
Even though I've spent so much time researching and talking to a counselor, there's still so much to figure out. So, I have a few questions.
I have a history of bad mental health and have been diagnosed with MDD and Anxiety. I'm scared that it will get much worse during pregnancy. Is there any advice anyone can offer me or any stories to share of similar experiences?
Has anyone had a baby while studying, and still managed to finish their degree within a normal time-frame ie. 3-5 years? What was the experience of studying and mothering like? Particularly with a newborn?
Does anyone have any exercise routines or tips they can share? I'm not severely overweight or unhealthy, but I'm not the type to exercise for fun and I have a sweet tooth. I want me and my baby to be as healthy as we can be though.
From what I've experienced and researched, sleep is the most important part of a baby's earliest phases. How do I enforce a good sleep schedule right from the get go?
A lot of articles have suggested that babies tend to get more clingy and fussy at 6-8 months, so it's best to put them in daycare before then so they're used to being away from mum. i was thinking I'll probably put them in daycare at about 4 months. I know that's really early, and I wouldn't if I had any other way. But I still plan to study at least part-time next year and I will need to find work as I want to be off the benefit ASAP. I'd want to find a different job to the one I have now as I need something that pays better, is more stable, and is more related to my degree and the field I want to work in.
Any general advice or information is most definitely welcome. I wish their was a list or step by step guide of how to do this properly.
Sorry if all of this is very random and all over the place. My mind has been in overdrive for the past few days and I can't seem to stop it.
22 Replies
Good on you keeping the baby, I felt after reading your post that you were leaning more towards keeping it. I'll just comment on the childcare - after working in the nursery for the last 4 years, we find the ideal age that is very minimal separation anxiety is 4-5 months so I think your doing the right thing getting your baby used to you leaving so early. Good on you for trying your best to make this all work out.
Thank you, thank you!! It's good to know that I'll be able to make the right decision when it comes to that. And yes, I think honestly I was only considering an abortion because I was so scared of screwing up and hurting my child somehow.
Hi hun. Congratulations!
I can help with experience of being pregnant and completely unready, and also having goals and a worry about depression, and I just want to say that this bab y is the hardest thing, the biggest change for you, ever. So take ALL the stress off. It's ok if you can't do uni. It's ok if you can't exercise and just carry weight for a few years. It's ok. I wish someone had of told.me to get real, honestly. Self care is.going to be your biggest problem, and a support network will be everything. It's ok if you put all you have jnto just getting that in place. And know that it can take a long time. Everytimeyou move or situation changes, those people disappear and you have to start again.
Get into a mums group. Get into a playgroup. Get into a mum friendly exercise group now! It will all help you.
For a house, I would advise you to look for a share house with another single mum. It may not work out, but If it does it would be great for you both.
Otherwise, a granny flat or something similar, and go outside every evening and walk the street and meet your neighbours, that's another way a social support network can start.
Uni is.possible, but honestly I would stop for the first six months and then look at one course or just wait until bub is one and then get back into it. You're going to be very very tired, and you don't need to put extra stress on top. Be kind to yourself. Xx
Ps. Lining up a good psych now can absolutely help you in making things work. Mine did wonders. (But then another one was awful and let me down terribly). Tell your midwife your like to speak to someone and they'll do the referral for you.
Thank you for leaving such a detailed comment!! I have minimal support at the moment, so I will definitely look into mum groups!! I want to do yoga or pilates at the very least, and actually learn how to cook. I'm definitely living on a student diet right now.
The reason why I am so eager to not take anymore time off uni is because I am already studying part time due to mental health issues and am already behind most of my peers from first year. So even if I didn't have a baby, I would still be finishing later than everyone else. I really don't want to extend that time more than I have to.
I just know that I have the potential for more than what I am now - and now that I have a purpose, a person other than myself to take care of, I really want to do as much as I can to be the best version of myself and the best mother.
And I totally get you, but you're really up against it, just taking care of bub. Ok. You need to understand that. Most people have family, a partner, in-laws, a friend, a circle, that holds them up. A home, savings. It makes a huge huge difference. Be kind to yourself. Take the expectation off. If all you can do is love your baby and try to sleep for six months, it's ok, remember it will change, it will get easier as baby grows up. The first 3 years is the hardest. Don't burn your self out.
I, personally, did uni full time when my bub was 18 months. It smashes me but I had goals and it was two semesters so I smashed it out.
With second bub I was ready to go back to work at 9 months and she went into daycare. It's bloody hard, but the best thing.just don't burn yourself out expecting you can act like you haven't just had a baby! It's the biggest thing you'll ever do!!!!
Thank you!! I do need to take it easy. Even now, I'm so anxious and stressed all the time. I know it's not good for the baby, and it's not good for me.
In saying all this, I have no doubt I'm going to be exhausted, sore, and stressed 24/7. My heart literally hasn't stopped racing since I found out I was pregnant, so I already know my anxiety is going to be a real pain. My family has a history of really awful pregnancies with a lot of complications and that's another reason I want to be as healthy as possible.
Yes, and exercise will help you get out and have friends and a laugh and feel better. It's good to find a nice group, but don't beat yourself up if you're too tired to go sometimes. You got this xx
Having a baby is full on, but can I give you the other side of the coin?
My baby woke for two feeds for the first 6 weeks, then for one feed up until 8 weeks, then slept through, forever. No regressions ever. He also hardly ever cried and was very happy. I went back to work at seven months with no problems at all, no sleep deprivation. I know you are preparing for the worst, but just know it isn’t always really bad. Good babies do exist 😀
Haha, thank you! I'll hope for a good and well-tempered baby of course, but I don't want to go in blind!
I'm not talking about good or bad baby. I'm talking about being single mum with no support. Being alone with the baby day after day, having no choice to be able to go out and do things for yourself. It goes on for many years, it's not just a baby thing, it's a single parents life, as I said with no support, it's a different level again. I'm saying to shift your thinking and priorities to allowing yourself to just be a mum and gently putting effort into your wellbeing and social life will be so so important for you and for you mental health.
I wrote the comment about good baby and I’m also a single mum, it helps!
I’ve been single for eight years.
I was pregnant with my first at 17, let me just say you have got this shit handled 💪💪
Seriously, you sound very intelligent, ambitious and organised. I have no doubt in my mind that you're going to be okay!
Make sure your prenatal care team are aware of your mental health issues so that's something you can be proactive with.
No advice for the rest of your questions but best of luck ❤
P.S Arlo (or even Arloh) is cute for a girl too 😜
Thank you!!
And I will let them know :)
I would definitely spell it Arloh for a girl. I really like the names Juliet or Aurora in theory, but neither really suit a newborn or child. She would have to grow into those names whereas Arlo(h) is perfect for any age I feel.
If Dad is not supportive don't put him on the birth certificate! Save yourself an 18 year long massive headache!
You sound like you have your head screwed on and aren't completely blindly going into this, I think for that reason you will be fine. The first few years can feel really lonely and isolating, get yourself into some Mums groups ASAP. I was a young Mum too, it's hard but I don't believe age makes parenting hard or easy, other factors decide that.
Thank you :) yes, I am a bit worried about the isolation. By nature, I'm an introvert and sometimes when I need social interaction I don't even realise it and am good at accidentally isolating myself anyway. Add to that the stress and time consumption that comes with a baby, and it would be very easy for me to cut myself off from people unintentionally.
You really need to go to the Dr ASAP to get it confirmed and all the antenatal bloods and a dating scan before you get too far ahead of yourself. It is really important to make sure all your levels are good for babies growth in those critical first few months. Good luck!
Hi! I was commenting on your original post and am glad to see you've made this decision (because it was evident you couldn't give this baby up).
Firstly, in the nicest way possible, you need to calm down a little. You haven't seen a doctor yet so definitely do this ASAP for bloods and wait a few more weeks for your dating scan and to confirm everything is okay :) Take a breather, you're sounding a little crazy saying you've picked a name and know the gender etc. - you're very emotionally invested and I think at this point in time it is extremely unhealthy.
Whilst you do definitely do have a lot to think about moving forward and you're in unknown territory, I think right now you are causing yourself a lot of worry and stress which isn't healthy for you or the baby. I would consult with your doctor and maternity services very very early on regarding your anxiety and depression so that they can have early intervention to help support you before and postpartum.
You can still enjoy sweets, just try and minimise how much you are taking in or swap it for something else. So if you would normally eat a doughnut, swap it for something naturally sweet like a banana and an apple. Just go on walks for exercise, try and do 20-30 minutes of brisk walking daily and then do 10,000 steps per day.
Sleep schedule - HAHA what even is that? In all seriousness, you can't really control these things. Go with the flow once baby is born, try and enforce a good routine of feed, play and sleep. All of this you will get to know further along in your pregnancy and in your antenatal classes that the hospital run.
My son is 2 and has only just started daycare this week and ALL children, no matter whether they are childcare, SAHM kids or whatever else will go through clingy stages NO MATTER WHAT.
There is no rulebook or guidelines on how to parent or how to be a good parent, that part is up to you to figure out and decide and you absolutely cannot second guess yourself as a parent. You need to be the strong, confident and act like the knowledgable one (even though you'll have no clue what you are doing).
It is very, very evident that you are going to need a lot more support than you currently have. With your questions and overthinking it's really important that you engage in services that can assist you ASAP and once you have had the baby. There is no point reading on Google as you need real hard facts and with your anxiety it is likely you're going to worry about absolutely everything and question yourself with each decision you make.
Hi hun, congratulations. What an exciting time you have ahead. My oly advice to you would be to not only go see your doctor to alleviate some of the concerns but you also really need to sit down with your dad and step mum. You mentioned you wanted to move back there with bubs but they dont actually know whats going on. You need to make sure they are on board with all this as well. If they are that's amazing. Good luck with it all.
My advise to anyone becoming a new mum in NZ 😊
Go to the dr and find a midwife asap, they will be able to do a range of tests and give you an abundance of info on your health
Look into seeing one of Nathan Wallace's talks, hes an expert in brain development and he has amazing tips on how to support babies development. He often gives tickets away to people who have s community services card.
When babies here join a play group, I personally attend SPACE, its supported by plunket and about $25 a term. It's a great way to meet other mums and get parenting tips and a great excuse to get out of the house, even if your sleep deprived or still in your PJS!
Join a due date Facebook group, I never did this, but wish I did! I'm not a very social person, but it's amazing to share this experience with other mums who are on the same page.
Go with the flow, I understand this is difficult when you have anxiety but its important to know all babies are different and that's ok. You can plan for all sorts, but at the end of the day babies will do their own thing.
All the best, you will do great!
Hi Mumma,
First of all congratulations! I had my daughter at 18 so I know how hard of decision it is to make. I also have a long history of severe mental health issues.
If I could offer any advice I would most definitely make your mental health a high priority! Hormones, stress, big changes and lack of sleep make a HUGE impact on your health. Both physically and mentally!
I'm sure you are aware of all the basics such as healthy regular meals, light exercise, routine, regular sleep cycles etc.
If you haven't already I highly recommend finding a psychologist and having regular visits.
It also might be worth keeping a simple journal to document mood changes ect.
If your MDD and anxiety worsen there are safe medications (if you aren't taking any at this point) for pregnancy. Stress/depression/mental health in general have more of a negative effect on baby than these safe medications.
From what I can see you are very well informed and are making every effort to be prepared and that is just amazing to see.
Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Not everything goes to plan and that is ok.
You are already an amazing mother!
Keep up the good work. Your beautiful baby is extremely lucky to have such a caring and loving mother.
Sending all my support and love xx