Trigger warning
Bear with me it's long.
I feel like a child as I write this crying my eyes out.
I don't know what to do any more I'm really at the point where I'm thinking of moving out and cutting my mother out of mine and my childs life for good.
My mother since my dad left 5 years ago turned into a cold bitter bitch to put it bluntly.
He left because she was cold to him and didn't support him and his PTST. Shut him out all the time. But since he left she has gotten worse she thinks nothing is wrong with her refuses to talk or see any one.
She bought my dad out and now has a $190k mortgage. She works in child care 9-5 5 days a week. So a normal hour job. But all she does is complaining about every little thing the people she works with the kids the pay the out door set up. I'm over listening to it. The second she wakes up and we are having breakfast shes saying she isn't looking forward to the day it's going to be awful then she walkes in the door saying how crap her day was and how exhausted she is. It's bring my mood down. I've tired to talk to her to get into some meditation or something to look at the positives but she just tells at me and says I'm judging her.
I've just moved back home with my almost 4 year old.
She asked me back as I was struggling mentally and financially. She also promised to help with my daughter to have her every Sunday for a few hours. To watch her at night so I could go for a run. If I don't run i become very depressed. She made me so excited to come home. (I was living interstate)
But she never followed through. She has never kept her promises to any of her children in the past but I fell for it.
I can never have a normal conversation with her with out it leading to my dad and how he let us all down by leaving or how far off she is now that she is 55 and has a big mortgage and has to work. For example I'm visiting my dad interstate last week and she asks how it is I say amazing I love seeing all ym friends again. He reply is well it's your father's fault now you have two lives that you have to live because he moved away and you followed now you are stuck which one to choose. If he didn't leave you wouldn't be in this situation. I never said anything about choosing. She goes straight for the negatives. She never worked in the past as my dad had a really good income. She has told us children when he dies we owe her the money and she will put it on the house if we don't she doesn't think she will talk to us again. She hates he walked away with money and she didn't. But she got the house it was her choice.
I get she is getting old and how awful it is. I sat with her through the divorce even being pregnant and going through Court my self.
But she has never had my daughter on a Sunday. It's okay but my daughter wants to go out with her but she wont. She will ask her and she will say no grandma needs a day to her self.
I asked her to watch her tomorrow for 30 mins so I could get in a quick run. Her response was no you are going out Friday night I'm not having her 2 nights a week. I work all day I'm not working when I come home as well. It broke my heart. Minding her grandchild for half an hour is work?!
I was yelling at my daughter tonight as she was just being so disobedient and full on and was throwing food every where ets (whitching hour) I just got to breaking point. My mum didn't offer to help out instead sat there on her phone watching me struggle after I just cooked and cleaned the kitchen and said I feel sorry for that child you are a shocking mum.
This hit me big time. When I was 7 I was molested in this house and still to this day she has swept it under the carpet. Now all these years later when I try and talk to her and tell her how much it affected me her not listening more than it actually happening she will say you are older now you need to deal with it or where was your father at this time why didn't he do something. (I told her cause I trusted her she never told me dad I told him only a year ago, she kept this a secret and didn't get me any help) I see a councilor now since I was 14 still every week over it and she refuses to come along. I feel like she has no right to judge me as a mum because of what she let slide.
It's got to the point in our relationship now where I resent her I can't even be in the same room as her. Every month it gets worse we fight more we cant talk anything through if I start to talk she will get up and walk out of the room or say I'm being nasty to her or that I'm abusing her. Every conversation we have turns into a fight about my dad or what happened when I was 7.
I'm a full time mum her dad isn't in her life I'm struggling. I know she works hard. I always make sure I have her dinner cooked when she gets home. I pay her board every week I do her washing and mow the lawns. But I feel now as if I'm being used. I feed her dog last night and she asked me if I fed her I said yes. She goes well I hope you did because if you didn't it would be pretty shocking after I feed yours for the week you were away. Not thnak you for doing that. Turned it into a picking moment. Argh I feel like I'm going crazy here.
Looking after my daughter even for 30 minutes is to much to even ask with out her making a comment.
Am I being over the top?
I'm just at my ends whitts with her.
I have to get a biopsy in a month in my cervix. I don't have any one to come with me. I asked her to be there for me. She straight out said no I have to work I can't get time off. I sat in my room crying. Last Friday she took the whole day off to go away for her sisters 50th. But can't take an hour off for me.
I'm 25 now and for as long as I can remember ive just wanted a mother to talk to and be there for me and she never is. Every time I talk to her and she picks up her phone or walks out of the room I feel this tightness in my chest a hole in my heart. It kills me. She constantly tells me I don't appreciate her when I thank her all the time for letting us stay here I pay borad and have her dinner cooked etc I don't know what more I can do to show her. And when she says that it hurts too. Because I know she doesn't appreciate me or my daughter. I feel like she's a burden to her. Because she works with kids when she gets home you can tell she hates having her around many of times she will ask her to leave her alone or tell her to go to her room away from her.
What should I be doing.
Is it possible to fight these feeling of not being enough or not being wanted by your own mother.
24 Replies
Move out ASAP even if it’s to your dads, u sound much happier there with him and ur friends!
You know what she’s like and you just moved back in there and to a house where you were molested. You knew what she was like and you still made the choice to move in with your mum. You know she’s a Debbie Downer, that she’s negative to boot. Yet somehow you thought it’d be a great idea to move in there. Don’t give me the she manipulated line or that she made promises etc you know what she’s like, you’re her kid and you’re even prepared to subject your child to her. I’m sure you’re the chic who’s written in before about moving home because life was too tough to manage on your own.
Your child is your child, your mother doesn’t owe you anything. She doesn’t have to babysit for you, she doesn’t have to do anything if she doesn’t want to. Just like you don’t have to do things you don’t want to do. You can say no. It’s one of the hardest words to say but it’s a powerful word to use.
Move out, put your big girl panties on and get a job even if it’s a 9:30-2:30 job because something is better than nothing.
What a nasty piece of work you are. Think you need to pull your head out of your arse.
Nasty? Or matter of fact? OP comes off as a bit of a brat really.
A horrific thing has happened to her yes. But she also needs to show some responsibility for herself and the decisions she makes in life.
I’m not a nasty person, I just call it how I see it. I don’t have a great relationship with my mum and I’d never move back home no matter how hard my life got. Never!! Even when my relationship went pear shaped moving back home and expecting my mum to look after my kids was not an option. Especially if she was working full time with kids. Hire a nanny or a baby sitter or buy a treadmill second hand if your desperate to run and go running once the kid is asleep.
Went to write a comment but you have covered absolutely everything I was thinking!
Sounds like OP wants it handed to her on a silver platter.. I’m sure she had to do all of these things alone before moving back home and now she’s complaining about it..
I agree too! Firstly, Why would she leave her child with someone who is so bad?
Secondly, it's not her mum's fault or responsibility she is raising her child alone and can't cope. Her mum is not the child's father and shouldn't be expected to raise her child with her.
I can totally understand why after working with kids all day she wouldn't want to deal with kids. The OP says it like it's easy work and easy hours. OP is stressed and depressed, can't cope without a run working with 1 child all day. Her mum is educating and caring for many and had a huge responsibility. I lived at home temporarily after a failed marriage at 25, 2 kids, my mum works with kids and I would only ever leave mine once they were asleep at night so I could have my me time and not every day. The OP is lucky if her mum is willing to watch her granddaughter half an hour at night ONCE she is asleep so the OP can run.
The OP needs to take responsibility for her choices, for having a child with someone who wasn't going to be a parent, for making the choice for moving there knowing the past and relationship with her mum.
Also OP mentions she pays board, not rent and at least half of food bills, water, electricity, internet etc as there is 2 of them there more then her mum is. Also it would have been petty not to feed the dog, I would actually just do it every day when I did mine and every thing else you do you would have to be doing anyway, if you lived there or not. Your not actually doing her any favours OP she is doing you the favour.
Move out ASAP. This is not a healthy situation for you or your daughter.
It sounds like she's had enough. She spent roughly 20 years with your Dad and she would have been putting everyone first all that time. She's bitter because she still can't put herself first, she has her adult child living with her. She also has to work to pay off her mortgage while your Dad doesn't have to, I can understand how that would make her bitter too. Working with kids is hard work, it is constant all day and physically and mentally draining. I can understand that she is not keen on babysitting or dealing with witching hour when she gets home. Your Mum needs space, appreciation, a massage, a bottle of wine and some peace and quiet. Ok so I may have been thinking of my own needs in that last sentence but I bet your Mum needs it too 😂.
She's hardly 'old' hun . She's 55, that's not old . And just don't engage in her depressive talk .
While I understand your hurt that your mum wasn’t there for you at a period when you needed her.
Your coming across as quite immature and entitled. If you don’t like it move out and be self sufficient.
You have to take responsibility for your child. That’s not on your mum. Your expectations I think are a little high. Maybe when she said she’d babysit she meant every now and then. Your expecting a daily commitment, when she does work with children all day. I can understand that she would prefer not to babysit as well.
As for your mum being bitter. Divorce is hard. You seem to have sided with your dad. Have you considered why she was cold?
Would your board cover your costs? Grown up decisions have grown up consequences.
Time to learn how to be a functional adult now sweetie. You have an unhealthy dependency with your mum!
Address your past trauma, perhaps seek GP assistance and a mental health plan, save up and move out, accept your mum as she is and stop resenting her for not providing you (her adult daughter) a more cushy home life!
Sounds like your mum has a bit of her own issues going on too.
Time to take control of your life and start stepping up to your responsibilities! You'll be much happier for it!
Your mum sounds fed up with life in general.
I think as mum's you always try and offer your child the best and sometimes you can't follow through with those promises, as in her case. You sound dependent on her and like she owes you something (i.e. babysitting and coming to appointments) but reality is, she doesn't.
She has enough of her own stress going on, she's been freed from the man who was obviously causing her pain due to his mental health (and probably dismissing her own mental health by the sounds of it) and now as a result has a mortgage that she needs to work to pay off. That is very stressful enough, especially as she is doing it on her own. Most people don't absolutely love their job and don't want to be there everyday, so I don't think there's a problem with the way she talks about her workplace. As long as she does a good job whilst she is there, what happens back at home doesn't matter.
Why should your mum offer to help when your daughter is misbehaving? You are the parent and if you weren't living under her roof it'd be up to you to handle anyways. It isn't her responsibility to step in and in doing so she could be overstepping a line. Quite frankly though, kids as old as your daughter don't have "witching hour", so if there's ongoing issues it may be time to sort these out and your mum probably can see this due to her line of work.
It sounds like you need to also get your depression under control, contact your GP and discuss getting yourself onto a mental healthcare plan. If you need to go to appointments you can use the money you're saving from not living on your own to hire a babysitter or send her to occasional care.
I think you need to realise you are living under her roof and you're sitting here judging her for doing her own things in her own home and behaving in a way that suits her. If this is something you cannot handle then you probably need to reconsider the living arrangements and find somewhere else.
Thank you! I was waiting for someone to point out a 4 years old there shouldn't be "witching hour".
My kids are 8, 10 and 12. Sometimes they can still be absolutely insane around this time of day. Sometimes I can be insane at this time of day!
You're tired, you're hungry, you're impatient and you're kind of over it...
Come on, let's not act like a 4 year old playing up at dinner time is somehow an abnormal or uncommon occurrence.
The way that was handled wasn't ideal in this instance sure, but lots of people refer to this time of day as witching hour! I think the OP was just feeling super stressed amd alone in that moment and just wanted a bit of back-up from her mum.
Other than that, you've made a lot of valid points.
They can have witching hour, they are usually transitioning to having rests (either sleeping or just resting) in the afternoon to staying active all day which means by 4 or 5 in the arvo they are tired and grumpy.
OP the way to combat that is to bring the dinner and bedtime routine forward by an hour or two.
Both the above comments are correct, I probably didn’t explain in depth when I said that if it’s ongoing then to look into it. I didn’t mean in the sense the child has issues but as you’ve both mentioned possibly the need to evaluate the routine and bringing it forward :)
Apologies for the way I worded it as I can see how it came across!
Sorry but YOUR child is YOUR responsibility. Your mum is only 55. She is not old but she does want space. She has done her 'duty' of raising her children - its time to chill out a bit. May be she is stressed with how she'll ever finish off paying the mortgage. How much the council rates are, how high the water bill is etc.
Your daughter is 4 (if you are struggling in the evening, then adjust the bed time) and I assume will be at school next year? I would suggest for you to go and get some qualifications and a job. That way you will gain financial independence and may be see how easy it is to work 9-5, 5 days a week.
In terms of running - there is no reason why your daughter can't join you either on her bike or scooter. That will be fantastic for both of you. I've never had my mother with me for any of my tests... or my partner for that matter - he had to work. If I've managed to raise a child, I'm old enough to go and get a test by myself. And trust me, I've had some doozies.
Move out, become responsible. You are not 12. You are an adult.
The OP moved in with her mum specifically because she promised to help with her daughter. It may not be the grandmas responsibility but she got her daughter to move in with her under false pretences.
Living with someone with PTSD is incredibly difficult, it is emotionally draining so I suggest you educate yourself. However, given the molestation story, I think your mum is a very toxic human being and you will never get the love and care of a mother that you desire. She also sounds like she has depression, depressed people can be incredibly selfish. She was in a partnership for decades, now all alone, it’s incredibly overwhelming and scary. There are so many layers here, I wouldn’t even know where to begin to unravel it all.
Your relationship with her is complex, complicated and toxic, so I think you should consider moving out or accepting her as the subpar mother that she is. This resentment and anger you feel towards her is only hurting you, you need to find a way to let it go or it will consume you. Living with her, feeling her apathy towards you is constantly triggering you and the abuse you suffered. Also living in the house can’t make it easy either. For your own mental health, I suggest you leave.
I can't believe all these people flaming you for this - far out!
Facts:
- your mum asked you back, and promised to help you out a bit
- she is miserable and cold toward you
- she now makes you feel like a burden
Here's what I think:
She's worn out. She's emotionally unavailable. She is screaming out for someone to hear her and she's getting shut down, and has probably gone unheard for so long that she's given up and doesn't trust anyone.
You can try to get her to get help. Try giving back to her a little bit, do something for her. Build the relationship back a little. Show her that you appreciate her. Sometimes the people who act the worst can need the most love.
If that's not something you can see yourself doing, maybe you need to stop expecting her to change and move out.
Ok number one your daughter isn’t her responsibility. Yes she is a grandma but it’s her choice not to watch her so you need to accept it and let that go. Don’t ask her again. I wouldn’t want my daughter left with someone like her anyway. She turned a blind eye to you being molested and has the right to tell you that you are a good mum. Your mum sounds like she has underlying issues that she has shit off. Maybe she has been abused herself and can’t face yours and it opens up wounds for her. No exude as a mother for shutting your situation off. If I was you, I’d koce closer to your dad and keep contact with your mum limited. Explain everything to her and tell her what she has done to you has destroyed you. Not being there for you after you went through this is shocking. She needs to go get herself help or lose you and your daughter out of your life. I’d be moving away and continuing on with the professional help. Your mum has issues that only she can seek help for. As a mum I could never sit back and see my daughter go through such a traumatic experience and do nothing. Maybe your mum feels to blame and doesnt want to admit it. I’d be getting far away as possible. Do not leave your daughter with her. Why would you risk it.? Even if it’s half an hour. She isn’t good for you or your daughter.
When I separated from my daughters father I moved in with friends but then ended up at my parents 6 months later.
My dad worked shift work (12hr days) my mum cleaned for 1.5days of the week.
At one point my brother and I both lived there. Mum would do his washing, clean his room, dad would pay for his uni books and he never helped out around the house.
When i moved back in with my daughter, my mum was similar to yours and said she would help with my daughter (I have chronic illnesses, was studying full time, working part time and was going through custody battles). It started off okay, they would watch her over night so I could work, if I wasn't well (migraine, fatigue) they would watch her.
But I did all our washing and sometimes theirs, I cleaned my room, I cooked dinners and other cleaning around the house. Some of this would be done at night once my daughter was asleep sometimes as late as midnight.
I asked her why she does everything for my brother but doesn't help me and she said oh because he is at uni or works full time so he doesn't have time. I was like are you fucking kidding me.
Like you, my mum would winge all the fucking time about anything and everything and if you tried to help you would just get yelled at or a bad attitude.
Over time the tension was growing and getting worse.
Until it hit the point where we began arguing (loudly and badly) because apparently I was using them and didn't appreciate it when they looked after my daughter. My mum went to hit me during a few of these fights and even broke my bedroom door because she was smashing it (while my daughter was asleep in my bed). And sometimes these fights would start over the smallest thing, if I said the wrong thing it would start.
Within a week of the door bashing I found a small unit and moved out.
I was and still am a full time uni student, dealing with health problems and custody battles and I could/can only work during the time my daughter was/is with her dad and I didn't/don't have uni.
I didn't leave my ex just to experience the same toxic crap with my parents.
It was and still is fucking hard but I had to leave. I didn't have a relationship with my mum for a year (my daughter did though) and our relationship isn't as good as it was.
I think you need to leave before your situation hits the point that mine did.
It's not good for our kids to grow up in a toxic household full of disagreements, bad behavior, bad attitude etc. We think that it doesn't affect them if they don't see it but they are smarter than we think and they pick up on everything especially when mum is stressed or upset.
I hope you find a way to move out and remove yourself from this toxic energy.
Whether you move to yours dads or out on your own it will be better than where you are now.
It sounds like your mother is depressed and considering you have your own mental health problems you should probably have a little more compassion. She is also grieving for her marriage and her life is not where she expected it to be at this stage in her life. I worked in childcare for 5 years and the last year I absolutely hated it. When my sister wanted me to mind her kids for a day I didn't want to. I love them dearly but it was work. I minded other peoples kids all week and having them another day was tough mentally.
I was also abused by a family member as a child and my Dad was told. He brushed it under the carpet not because he didn't love me or care but because he didn't have the tools to cope with it. My mum today still does not know because it was her Dad. He's been dead a long time now so why break her heart. It won't change anything and she will never get the answers she wants. It's my issue and I have learned to cope with what happened and be at peace.
I think you need to move out because your relationship needs space because it's becoming toxic. Maybe if your mum sees you both less she will be more likely to give you a dig out every once in a while. Your mum also needs to learn to live alone which is something she has not had to do before. It sounds like she also needs to change her job. There is nothing worse then hating every minute of your job and not feeling fulfilled but that is something you can change. You have decided the relationship has become toxic and its obviously getting you down so look after yourself and change it. Write a list and make a plan do a course get a job or your own place do whatever you need to do to make you happy. But stop blaming your mum because you are just doing the same thing she is doing. Maybe when you get your ducks in a row you can find the strength and compassion to forgive her and stop resenting her for the mistakes she made. Then perhaps you can help her figure out what she can do. First change her job find something she loves or fulfills her, maybe just a hobbies, get a lodger to help pay the bills etc. Don't cut her out she's your mum and she sounds like she's hurting really badly but in order to help her you need to help yourself first.