Where do I start.
This is long
I feel a bit sick when I write this. Sick with guilt sick with missing an old lover, sick that he hasn't tried.
4 years ago last week I left my narcissistic ex. I was 13 weeks pregnant with my daughter. When I found out I was pregnant he flat out said what are you going to do you can't keep it and took me for an abortion which obviously i didn't go ahead with it. We then went home and he physically abused me. 7 weeks later I left I remember feeling so traped and scared. I didn't have any family as he had cut them off. I was engaged I did love him despite anything. He was my first love. And boy did I love him! We traveled we together we lived in the states we had such a love story. Well to me we did. The first year that is.
I left with out saying goodbye. I was at a counseling appointment and i never came home. I knew it was my only chance to leave as he was an abusive man. Just like all narcissistic men.
I took out a restraining order as he was stalking me and constantly ringing texting emailing me no joke over 500 times a day asking for me back.
We fought the intervention order for alomst 2 years.
5 months after leaving I went and did a property order. When going to get my things he somehow knew I was having a girl and he had heaps and heaps of stuff for the baby clothes toys a maternity pillow the lot. I didn't want any of it so I left it.
I moved interstate and started over when my daughter was 3 months. I have never heard from him. He wasn't there for the birth and has never even layed eyes on her.
I have moved back home 8 months ago still haven't heard from him
I keep in contact with his other ex feonce and their daughter. I would love for them to meet again (my daughter was a baby when they meet). This other daughter sees her dad every week. If they meet it might be hard on my daughter as this other daughter gets to see her dad as he wants her but doesn't want my daughter.
I asked the other women why he has never made contact and she said he has told every one my daughter isn't his. I don't understand why when he had all that stuff for her and me.
He meet a girl as soon as I was gone and she doesn't know my daughter is his.
I've come to the point after years of councling and talking to friends that I think I want to make contact. Ive been going insane doing it all on my own mentally physically and financially. I have always felt sick that I never got to say goodbye to this man except run. I was 20 and scared its all I could do at the time. But I do miss him shit I might even still love parts of him.
My daughter now being almost 4 asks all the time where her dad is and why she doesn't have one.
I don't have any custody orders in place or anything.
What should I do? I'm at a loss. I'm in all these different head spaces. The jealously of another woman being in her life.
The anger that he doesn't want her. And has never made the effort to meet her.
The worry of having his very highly toxic parents in her life.
My father and his family are interstate so if I want to go visit them which I regularly do that will mean I now have to have permission to do so.
But then I also feel like I've done this much I can keep going on my own.. but can I?
Then her being angry at me when she is older for not trying to get in contact when we are now in the same town.
I then might think it's selfish of me to want her to go to his house every other week so I can have some time for me which I have never got. To be able to study and get some one to have her and maybe one day meet a man and go on a date which I cant do as I don't have any support system. All my friends say sometimes you need to be selfish as I haven't been at all for 4 years.
I saw how he was with his other daughter when I was with him the whole fighting over clothes and him calling her mum crap, competing with each other. Like if they stayed home all weekend it wasn't good enough she should be taking her out enjoying her (what's wrong with a weekend at home) things like that. She has a rash but wasn't taken to the hospital as soon as it came up she was hounded. Even though she was at the Drs the best morning. Probably what a lot of exs deal with really. Can I cope with that drama. Im to old now for drama.
There are so many pros and cons here.
But how do I make contact if I do decide. Where do I start. Do I get a custody plan in place first in case things get messy? Do I need him on the birth certificate? If I do get custody before I make contact will he know what I have gone for soul custody?
What would I even say to him. I would message him I dont think I could meet up with him. Makes me sick thinking I could see him after all these years. How would I even react.
I need some sort if closer. Answers to why he did what he did. Why he hurt me. Why he meet someone so fast and gave my ring to her. Why he didn't keep it to give to out daughter. He keep his first feonces ring to give to their daughter. Why is my daughter so different. His new women thinks im crazy. I told her she was wearing my ring tried to give her a heads up. And she ended up deleting all social media clamming she was being stalked his parents commenting saying I was an insane person.
I know I can be the only one to decide but some ideas would be great right now.
I can't talk to my mother or sisters about this or my extended family as they have told me right from the beginning to never make contact. My mum would hate me if I do.
But does my daughter have a right to meet her dad even if he isn't a sane person.
Thinking of contacting daughters father
Thinking of contacting daughters father
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Self Care, Loss & Grief, Parenthood Guilt
11 Replies
Your family is correct!
Your daughter doesn’t have the maturity to understand. So it’s up to you to make the right choice and that’s to 100% protect her from involvement with this man.
He has nothing healthy or good to add to your daughters life, zero. Anything he will bring will make your daughters life harder and your life harder.
You have imagined this fairy tale ending where he will suddenly not be the abusive, toxic influence in yours and your daughters lives. You have to remember and remind yourself what he did to you. He will not help, and even if he did have your daughter he will DAMAGE her! Is that what you want?
You and your daughter are the lucky ones, because you escaped and got out.
You need to get back into counselling to work out a way to move past him without contacting him. It’s possible because contacting this guy could lead to the end of your life.
Let her decide for herself when she's 18 . And when you finally tell her why , explain to her all your reasons how you wanted to protect her and you . She will thank you for the honesty .
I think you should really consider whether this is your want or your daughters need?
They are two different things?
Do you want closure?
Or do you want your daughter to know her father?
I’d leave well enough alone tbh... sounds like you have escaped! Keep it that way... sounds like if you invite it back there is a whole lot of drama waiting for you!
The only thing your daughter needs is a loving, stable, functional up bringing. Do you really think he'll add any kind of enrichment to her life or toxic drama?
Secondly, it's not your job to facilitate a relationship with her dad, it's his and he would've done everything in his power to do so if he wanted that. He knows she exists yet he hasn't bothered with her at all, that's got to tell you he neither cares about her or desires any kind of relationship with her.
If you contact him and dredge up all this ancient history, you have the potential to reintroduce the cancer that this man is back into your life, i suspect he'll be harder to get rid of a second time around. Neither of you need that.
Your family are right, they are putting your daughters welfare and safety first.
You need to do the same.
I’m a single mum, I get it but I would never endanger my child to get a break.
There are other ways to get breaks, friends, other mums, you take their kid, they take yours.
Don’t contact him and open that can of worms, please don’t do it.
I’m also not sure why you would expect him to contact you, give you had an order against him. Isn’t that the point of getting it in the first place?
He will only cause you pain and stress. It will never ever be easier with him.than without.
I think you're seeing this other ex and thinking it could be the same.for you. But it won't be. And chances are high she's not telling you all the shit he puts her and that child through.
He's dug a hole with you and lying, I wonder if part of this is you wanting redemption for that?
You sure as shit don't really want him back in your life. Rethink this, think hard about everything you've been through and how hard you had to fight. If you say it's his baby, he could and at some point probably will take custody. And still be abusive. Really think about that.
I feel like you need to book yourself into a psychologist and process this issue because you seem very lost and I'm worried about you making decisions that could jeopardise yours and your daughters safety.
If you open thaat flood gate your putting you and your daughter in harms way. Close the book and move on!!! My ex was the same i left when my daughter was 6 months, the last 8 years have been hell on her, the emotional abuse she suffers when visiting is not worth it. We havent heard a thibg in 18 months and i Will Not ooen that door, i will barricade it shut. These men do not change.
Be happy he hasn't contacted you!
What you've said about how he treated you sounds shocking.
I don't know my dad, my mum told me his name and was very open with me about what happened before I was born. (as soon as my mum told him about me, he said he wanted nothing to do with it) I am extremely happy with how my mum handled her life and mine. I wouldn't want a man in my life who at one point said he wanted nothing to do with me.
My mum married when I was young to the man I call dad. I've never wanted to meet my "dad" nor cared too much for the reasons he decided he never wanted to meet me. He screwed my mum over and no matter how far I progress or how old I get I would never want to meet him.
Just be honest and I'm sure your daughter will trust that you have made the correct choice to help her.
Listen to your mother!
Firstly, you love the man he was and the man you want him to be, you do not love the man that is now and did all those things to you, he will not change, the man you fell in love with is gone.
Secondly, do not open up the door, he made a decision and has continued to make a decision not to br in her life. You need to be honest with her and address her questions, you do have a Dad but he decided he didnt want to see us and that is ok because we have lots of other people in our life you love us (name them), it is ok to be sad but we are lucky to have those people and each other. Just continue reassuring with the agreement appropriate truth.
You have got this!